You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

To start my review of this book, let me tell a story that's an applicable analogy. A scientist named Alec loves research, and he is working on an invention for this formula that grows plants in the desert. As he nears completion of his research, the government becomes interested in it. Alec finishes his formula, and it works exactly the way that he had intended. He's about to use it to grow plants in the desert when the government steals it from him, and uses it to make a bomb, to destroy the desert country that Alec was trying to save by growing his plants. Deborah Tannen is that scientist. Her research is pure...her research is good. However, this book could be used for any purpose. It could be used to bring a husband and wife much closer together. It also could be used in the most horrific ways to manipulate both men and women. This book explains everything. It explains why men won't stop and ask for directions, and more importantly, why women want them to. It explains why women get jealous that their husbands talk to people in groups, but then their husbands won't talk to them when they are alone. And, it kept explaining things....I can't think of any common male-female difference that this book didn't explain and have a model for why. Also, I felt a little gay when I was reading this book, because I thought.... "These are things that I'm really not supposed to know." I feel like I had learned too much, like I had stumbled into a temple that held the keys to the secrets of the universe, but that I was not ready for it. And, it's more slanted toward women than toward men. That's okay, but I think that half of the all of the copies of this book that sell have been sold to women. And the other half of the copies of this book that sell are sold to those same women who then give them as gifts to their male friends, who end up shelving the book. I ran into three guys so far who had been given this book as gifts, but who haven't opened it. This book has more content in five pages of it than many books have in all of their pages. Even if I hated this book, I would have to give it five stars, because it's got so much good research in it. But, I loved this book, and so I'm giving it a very enthusiastic five stars.

John Gray did the male gender no favors by characterizing us guys as "from Mars". Fortunately, Deborah Tannen knows better. Despite her male detractors, who usually find fault with what they consider overindulgence of the more estrogen-laden of our species, Dr. Tannen strives (and succeeds) at maintaining a refreshing academic distance from a strong gender bias in this seminal work. Her anecdotal examples of male and female communication styles are convincing and rub no ones noses in their own verbal messes. Having found impenetrable more than one woman's labyrinth of words and feelings, it was quite comforting to find from a woman a sympathetic spirit. If you have tried reading "Men Are From Mars..." and were put off by the premise, "You Just Don't Understand" may provide a welcome alternative in the male/female communication blues.

This book can change your life, but only if both you and your spouse read it. Or a good handbook for singles, hoping to figure out just what exactly that other strange species is really saying. What is most impressive is how even handedly Dr. Tannen treats female- and male-oriented communication styles, noting that neither style is inherently better, but just profoundly different, and that understanding the basis for how women and men communicate so differently can really lay a groundwork for avoiding lots of misunderstandings. This is absolutely true. As a man, I am amazed that Dr. Tannen has such a solid and objective understanding of male-pattern communication styles. I certainly learned a lot about how women communicate, and thus have avoided perhaps 50% of the misunderstandings in my marriage. Now if I can only get my lovely spouse to "just read the book" (which alas has turned into my final defense on more than one occaision), we can eliminate the other 50%!

I read this book many years ago, and have since given it as a gift many times over. Ms. Tannen gives us a clear picture of WHY men and women's communication styles are so different through studies and examples that are easy to read and understand. This book has given me information that has proven invaluable over time in my relationships with both men and women. I have given this book as a wedding gift and have been profusely thanked by both husband and wife. I have also given it to a few teens who are just beginning to get into the world of male/female communication (or lack thereof). It has been well accepted and appreciated. My own experiences have been less frustrating based on a better understanding of where we are going (communicatively) and why. Thank you Deborah Tannen for a wonderful gift of insight!

Deborah Tannen has written an excellent book analyzing theverbal interaction between men and women. I highly recommend it toanyone. For many years I have been only generally aware of some of the symptoms she describes, mostly through personal communication problems that arose in my marriage. After reading her book, I now have a much better understanding of these challenging problems of differing perspective and I hope I can even change my reactions when these problems reoccur. I even note on pg. 201 (page numbers throughout refer to the Hardcover Edition) that the author herself, "as a result of doing this research, learned not to use machine-gun questions or cooperative overlapping with people who don't respond well -- a tangible benefit of understanding conversational style." I don't believe her book is at all one-sided. It presents examples of how some people (often women) feel they are always being interrupted and not allowed to present their views. It also describes how a male speaker, through his style, fails to get a professional group's attention or credit for bringing up a major point -- that is then later repeated by another speaker, who refers to the earlier speaker but still gets all the credit. In order for others to gain an appreciation of this book, I quote below from several selections. WHO DOES MORE OF THE TALKING, AND UNDER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES? "Who talks more, then, women or men? The seemingly contradictory evidence is reconciled by the difference between what I call public and private speaking. More men feel comfortable doing `public speaking,' while more women feel comfortable doing `private' speaking. Another way of capturing these differences is by using the terms report-talk and rapport-talk. "For most women, the language of conversation is primarily a language of rapport: a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships. Emphasis is placed on displaying similarities and matching experiences. From childhood, girls criticize peers who try to stand out or appear better than others." (pg. 76, 77) "From childhood, men learn to use talking as a way to get and keep attention. So they are more comfortable speaking in larger groups made up of people they know less well -- in the broadest sense, `public speaking.' But even the most private situations can be approached like public speaking, more like giving a report than establishing rapport." (pg. 77) "Many men honestly do not know what women want, and women honestly do not know why men find what they wand so hard to comprehend and deliver." (pg. 81) JUDGMENTS ABOUT WHY PEOPLE TALK AND DON'T TALK. "For girls, talk is the glue that holds relationships together. Boys' relationships are held together primarily by activities: doing things together, or talking about activities such as sports or, later, politics." (pg. 85) "Women and men are inclined to understand each other in terms of their own styles because we assume we all live in the same world. [A]