Why Womn Shdn't Marry

At first I didn't respond positively to this book. I kept comparing it to my favorite book on being single (Singled Out by Bella DePaolo.) The book is set up as a series of anecdotes and stories. There's no reference to research. It's like joining the authors for Girls' Night Out, when everybody opens up after a couple of drinks. The Smiths present all the negatives of marriage, using one extreme example after another. Some women sacrificed their careers because they felt they ought to be married. Some stories were scary. For instance, a widow married a man whose daughters saw her as a gold-digging threat. She tolerated insults and humiliations rather than get a divorce and live alone. Single women, the authors say, avoid these messy situations. They don't have to answer to anyone. They create their own economic freedom. They enjoy their own company. Dining alone? No problem. OK, this is pretty strong stuff. It's easy to make counter-arguments. Clearly some marriages bring happiness to both partners. Doctors usually are arrogant, as the authors say, but I've known some happy doctors' wives.. And being single isn't exactly a cake walk. DePaolo's book, Singled Out, provides some vivid examples. Service providers from restaurant staff to doctors view single people (especially women) as second class citizens. One doctor's receptionist addresses all women as "Mrs.," whether married or single. She refuses to change claiming she'll upset the married women if she uses the correct form of "Ms." Socially, married family and friends talk down to single people. Some singles even get relegated to the kids' table at holiday meals. Like it or not, our society and infrastructure are still set up to support married couples. When you're sick or old, the world assumes you have a spouse and children to care for you. Children offer access to social networks. Even the Smiths note that some women called their grown children for help with a difficult boyfriend or spouse. Friends may want to help but they prioritize in-laws, children and grandchildren - all products of marriage. So why do I still like this book? Well, it's more entertaining and more tightly organized than most self-published or small-published books. And I can think of one situation where no other book will do. Many years ago, in my twenties, I was heading off to Paris, France, for a 2-week vacation. I stopped off to see a fifty-something relative I'll call "Beatrice." Instead of wishing me bon voyage, Beatrice said, "Oh, Cathy, you really need to get married. Then you'll have someone to take you to nice places." Ironically, Beatrice's own marriages had ended in disaster, abuse and horrific encounters with the criminal justice system. Yet she couldn't understand that I could send myself to "nice places" on my own terms. If Beatrice were still alive I'd send her this book. It's the perfect antidote to pushy relatives and friends. Alas, just as Beatrice couldn't hear me saying,

This updated version of "Why Women Shouldn't Marry" by the mother/daughter team of Cyntia S. & Hillary B. Smith should be required reading for all women in high school and again in college! Far from a feminist manifesto, this book calmly and concisely lays out the reasons FOR marriage. But it goes further by exposing the WRONG reasons to marry and why 'soul-mates' and 'biological imperatives' are about the worst reasons possible to marry. The book contains hundreds of interviews with women of all marital status. They speak honestly and bluntly about their lives, their failures, and their successes both WITH and WITHOUT a spouse or significant other. Although happily married for 20 years, I certainly wish I had read this book as it could also be used as a handbook on what mistakes NOT to make in a marriage. Why the phrase 'He makes me happy' is illogical as being happy comes from within...not from another person. I think the best idea in this book, while not necessarily explicitly stated, is that today a woman can be confident, secure, and established on her own. For what's really the first time in history there's no real physical, financial, or emotional NEED to marry. It's a decision that each woman must make on her own...and for the right reasons.

A very fair minded approach by the authors indeed. In today's world women hold nearly as many key business roles as men. Why should they comprimise their own lifestyles for a man who wants to be waited on hand and foot? The authors really did their homework on this subject as they interviewed many single, widowed, and divorced ladies. In many cases they show that women should not sacrifice their lifestyles if a persepctive male partner is only thinking of himself. The part these ladies don' tell you as that many men in the 40 plus category are not available usually as they are involved with younger women. To some degree the pickings for these ladies can be a bit slim. However, unattached ladies who have pride in themeselves will win out in the end when they marry or not. Some very good messages and analysis exists in the many stories. Certainly worth additional re-reads as even men like myself can learn a few things.

There are two version of this book. The one from 1988 expresses view from the 80's. The newly rewritten April 2008 version is of course expressing current day views. And is worth the read.

I highly recommend the book to all "coming of age" girls. In our society they are victims of a barrage of false information and advertising as to what constitutes the values to which they should adhere. This book definitely advises to "know thyself" firstly, develop your God-given talents and then make wise choices in regard to male companionship and possibly marriage. Hopefully a similar book will one day be available for "coming of age" males.