Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last

This is a great book to help improve your relationship with a non abusive significant other. If you are in an abusive relationship this book is not for you. It will do nothing at best but it may give the abuser extra resources to abuse, control and manipulate you.

This book was required reading in my clinical psychology, masters level course. I was surprised to see a "popular psych" book in a graduate course but it turned out to be a great text. This book combines an academic and research perspective with accessible and easily generalized examples that can benefit anyone. Since reading it, I have significantly improved my relationship skills and use them frequently in my marriage. The self-tests, the simple practices, and the engaging writing style place this book at the top of the stack for relationship advice. This book is not just for couples in trouble--new couples or anyone looking to improve their relationship skills can benefit. I give it as a wedding gift all the time.

A friend recommended that my husband and I read this book just after we got married six years ago. We did and I am so grateful to that friend for suggesting it. Knowing that how we manage conflict is the key issue for a successful marriage has been critical for us, since we have different styles of dealing with conflict. I would highly recommend it to any one who is married, whether you feel like you have difficult issues to deal with in your relationship or not.

I enjoyed reading Gottman's book, especially after I had subjected myself to reading John Gray's preachy, opinionated and stereotype-based pop-psychology treatise, "Mars and Venus on a Date". I found that Gottman's scenarios involving different couples were a positive way to review his concepts, and easy to relate to real life. His scientific approach is refreshing, humanistic and intelligently written. An earlier reviewer asserted that the information that Gottman presents is basic, but I hadn't been exposed to any of the premises before, and I am grateful that I came upon his book. I highly recommend it as a sanity check for those who are questioning their relationships.

About 25 years ago John Gottman, a researcher at the University of Washington, started interviewing newlyweds in his laboratory. He hooked them up to devices that measure physical responses (blood pressure, heart rate, sweat on the palms, etc.) and videotaped them while they discussed a subject that was volatile for them. What topic was sure to create a heated argument? That's the one he wanted them to talk about. He was then able to go back and study the videotapes and watch the records of blood pressure and heart rate and see how the person responded both outwardly and inwardly. And then he tracked these couples over the years. Some broke up. Some stayed together. He found something very specific that enabled him to predict, with an astoundingly high degree of accuracy, who will break up and who will stay together: How do they fight? He found four things -- four kinds of communication -- that ruin a marriage. If those four are present during an argument, the marriage is headed for disaster. His most important discovery, I think, is that it isn't the CONTENT of the fight that makes a difference, it's the PROCESS you use during an argument. If you use a lousy method of fighting, it doesn't matter if you're only arguing about a toothpaste tube, it can destroy your marriage. But with the right PROCESS -- one that avoids those four disaster-creating methods -- you can talk about a highly volatile issue like infidelity and still keep the marriage together and your love alive. When you're in an argument with your spouse, it always SEEMS that the important thing is WHAT you're arguing about. But that's not what matters. The important thing is HOW you argue. And Gottman's book tells you exactly how to avoid what doesn't work.