Why Him? Why Her?

This is not so much a dating/relationship guide as it's a book about understanding why we do the things we do. As in, why we keep picking the same type of guy (or girl) that we do. Helen Fisher is such a great anthropologist and she really hit it with this one. It really opened my eyes to the whole thing and made me realize why I sometimes do the things I do. Read it for the cultural anthropology aspect as for the relationship one. Another I also liked that helped me: How To Be Wanted: Use the Law of Attraction to Date the Man You Most Desire and Live the Life You Deserve.

Fisher served as a consultant for the dating site Chemistry.c0m before it launched in February 2006. She helped to build the site by designing a questionnaire for singles and devising a "scientific" system through which these singles are classified and matched based on their responses to the questionnaire. In Why Him Why Her, Fisher talks about the principles behind this matching system, which I will briefly explain here: The questionnaire is used to determine how closely a person conforms to each of four personality types: (1) Explorer (2) Builder (3) Director (4) Negotiator. A person has a primary personality type and a secondary personality type. For example, a person may be foremost a Director (her primary personality type) and then a Builder (her secondary personality type). Some traits that stand out for: (1) an Explorer: risk taker, enthusiastic, curious, spontaneous, impulsive, susceptible to boredom, etc. (2) a Builder: cautious, loyal, traditional, orderly, predictable, tenacious, meticulous planner, etc. (3) a Director: bold, direct, logical, analytical, exacting, focused, etc. (4) a Negotiator: imaginative, intuitive, harmony-loving, empathetic, etc. Explorers tend to seek Explorers, Builders tend to seek Builders, Directors tend to seek Negotiators, and Negotiators tend to seek Directors. In light of this, the question of whether attraction is based on similarity (like attract like) or complementarity (opposites attract) becomes moot. According to Fisher, if you're an Explorer or a Builder, you're attracted to a someone just like yourself; if you're a Director or a Negotiator, you're attracted to someone who is unlike (or who complements) you. Fisher also explains the bio-chemistry behind each personality type. (1) An explorer has higher levels of Dopamine and Norepinephrine (2) A Builder has higher levels of Serotonin (3) A Director has higher levels of Testosterone (4) A Negotiator has higher levels of Estrogen and Oxytocin. A little tidbit which is of particular interest to me is that many Directors (many of whom are in positions of power) have significantly longer ring fingers than index fingers - an indicator of high levels of testosterone! --- Why Him Why Her is superbly narrated by the author herself. Her enthusiasm and conviction for her own work on personality types and principles of compatibility clearly shows through her remarkably energetic and engaging narration. I enjoyed the book so much that I actually listened to it from start to end for 12 hours straight! I definitely don't subscribe lock, stock, and barrel to Fisher's view on the chemistry and science of attraction. I tend to view any formulaic approach to matchmaking with a generous dose of skepticism. Regardless, Fisher has helped me gain some very valuable insight into myself and the selection of my ideal mate. I can't guarantee that this book will do the same for you, but in any case, I think this book will be a very interesting and worthwhile read.

I really liked this book. If you are looking for a soulmate this book is a must read because it explains what to look for in a partner, why you might be likely to end up with someone other than that type, and how to know the difference. Very interesting. I also found the descriptions of the types useful (at least as good as Myers Briggs) and came away with a new found appreciation for other types of people. I understand them better now and where they are coming from, not just in romance, but in the life choices they make. It's easy and fun to read. There are little pearls scattered throughout - I suggest not skipping over any of it.

I don't know how anybody could consider this dry reading! It is full of insights, great quotes, relevant anecdotes - and is just plain fun to read. Why him/why her - is every bit about our own personalities, as it is why we are attracted to others. Further more, the book delves into different partner personality combinations - exploring the pros and cons of different combos. I found it fascinating and pretty accurate based on my life experience. Thankfully Dr. Fisher is not rigid in her definitions and admits that our personalities are multifaceted - but it only makes sense that we each have a dominant personality characteristic. What's more fascinating, is that she attributes aspects of our personality to certain hormones and neurotransmitters - arguing that our exposure or sensitivity to these body chemicals helps shape and determine who we are... and she backs it up with intriguing anthropologic data. What a great way to connect psychology with medical science. Fascinating!

I've been on some horrible dates, but one of the worst remains in vivid memory to this day. We went out to dinner at this really trendy restaurant. She looked great and I complimented her. For the first hour or so, the time went by normally. Then, in a very sort of subtle way, things changed. Gradually, I realized that there was no real conversation, no exchange of ideas going on. Even though I have to laugh at it today, the rest of the evening quickly became a truly weird experience. As much as I tried, I could not get my date to respond to any overtures that would initiate interesting conversation. I'm talking lighter fare, not religion, politics or guy stuff. Things like cinema, art, music. All to no avail. Her response was to unfailingly boomerang everything back to me. (Two phrases come to mind: "I'm not sure about... What do you think?," or, "I really hadn't thought about it. What's your take on it?") It was like, robotic. While I wasn't sure about what the gag was, I couldn't wait for it to end. I felt exactly like a standup comic who was quickly running out of material. It was an awful feeling, and I'm sure that at the end of the evening (Early, at about Ten O'Clock) she was just as happy to say goodnight as I was. We didn't even shake hands and I didn't bother to watch her walk away. I said "G'Night," and that was it. What I felt like saying was, "I'm really sorry," but at that point, I was too frazzled to say much of anything. In her audiobook "Why Him? Why Her?" Dr. Helen Fisher doesn't lay claim to any false promise that I'll never have to go through anything like that again. What she does say is that if I ever find myself in a similar situation, at least I'll understand exactly what is happening - at the time it happens. That way, I can anticipate the next course of action. If and when a chosen partner clams up for no apparent reason, or when some other failing social situation crashes, I'll be ready. But first, I have to buy into Dr. Fisher's system. Which, from what I gather, is based on anthropological research that would dwarf the Manhattan project (Or for all post generation Xer's, the race to produce a 100GB MP3 player). Anyway, to simplify all of her complicated findings, Fisher boils the whole magilla down to the X's and O's of romance in layman's terms: The compatibility problems associated with four Fisher-defined personality types: the Explorer, the Builder, the Director, and the Negotiator. To give it some life, the text of "Why Him? Why Her?" is laced with personal and not-so-personal anecdotes and explanations about how different personality types interact or fail to interact in given social situations. Other illustrations Fisher offers seem sort of like antisceptic diagrams of possible actions to take during romantic interaction. It's sort of abstract, but if you think about what she has so say, it's all logical. When Dr. Fisher isn't quoting great writers (Robert Burns, Shakespear