When Parents Die: A Guide for Adults

My beloved mother recently died and this book was recommended to me by the hospice counselors. I only wish I had known about it in the months prior to Mom's death. If you have a parent who is suffering a potentially long illness, especially with increasingly extensive care and nursing needs, buy this book NOW -- don't wait! It offers many helpful resources on the practical side as well as offering comfort and understanding. As the author says, "There is perhaps no greater source of needless frustration during a family crisis than the belief that you are dealing with it entirely alone. Even the most competent adult can be worn down..." He then proceeds to provide resources in the Appendix, including organizations and resources to find "Information on Death and Dying", "Information on Aging and Care of the Aging" (including the organization called Children of Aging Parents...which I wish I had known about earlier), "Information About Health Issues", "Information on Alcohol and Drug Abuse", "Information on Hospice Care", "Information on Funeral and Memorial Societies", "Information on Living Wills and Organ Donation", "Information on Suicide Prevention and Counseling", "Information on Widowhood", "Information on Assistance for Women", among other topics. If it's too late for that, you will also find this book helpful as it presents compassionate advice for coping with the emotional and practical aspects of losing a parent. Everyone's story and emotional handling of this life-changing event is unique, but you will inevitably find yourself in some of the examples that the author uses. In a time like this, it's comforting to know you're not alone and it is possible to cope. Another book with a different approach, but which is also comforting is "How to Survive the Loss of a Parent" by Lois F. Akner, CSW.

I lost my mother over a year ago, and it really wasn't until a few months ago that I finally realized that I needed to find some help for myself to realize what I was going through was natural for me. Over the past two months I have purchased at least a half a dozen books on the subject of bereavement and this book by far was able to pinpoint my feelings and emotions to a tee. From the guilt that I was feeling over things that were said before she died, to the grief that I am feeling now. This was the first book that I truly felt like I found some of my answers lying in the pages. I didn't walk away from this book feeling worse than when I started, it was actually a healing presence for me, knowing that what I was feeling was natural and that life does goes on but in a totally different light. This book may not be for everyone, but for me it was my saving grace!

I read this important work while researching my own "Fatherless Women: How We Change After We Lose Our Dads" (Wiley) and found it validating and encouraging of both my emotions and the primary research I'd done, interviewing other women like myself. In a readable, jargon-free style, Myers talks honestly about the broad spectrum of emotions that follow the death of a parent, from despair to guilt, anger to relief. Very honest, very freeing -- and now a staple of my library.

I first came across this book nearly 10 years ago when my 70-year-old father passed away. He had been ill for some time so his passing was expected, and in some ways seemed to be such a relief. No one who loved him wanted to see him suffer any longer and his suffering certainly took its toll on my dear sweet mother; yet, in the weeks following his passing I found myself completely unprepared to experience the grief that followed. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown until I read Myers book. The book literally rescued me from the depths of grief and helped me to move forward with my life. Since then, I have bought perhaps a dozen copies of the book for friends who have lost their parents and they, too, have told me how helpful they have found the book to be. Last October my dear sweet mother passed away and reading the book again has spared me from the agony of grief that I experienced with the loss of my father. By understanding and being so much more prepared for the loss of my mother, I found myself much more able to cherish her life rather than be emotionally devistated by grieving her loss. Sadly, I am purchasing another copy of the book to give to a dear friend who lost her father two days ago.