When Love Is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting with Reactive Attachment Disorder-RAD

As a therapist who works with many kids with RAD, I bought this to help me see other angles of working with people who have RAD. So while I was surprised this was written by someone with no psychology background, I was cautious but willing to keep going. I halted abruptly when the writer endorsed holding therapy; a "therapy" that was well-known even before this book came out as something that retraumatizes kids when you force them to be embraced despite how they fight it. In that moment you're solidifying a message that they are powerless and their desires don't matter, not giving them a positive experience as the author describes. Equally horrifying was the writer's firm assertion that the therapist should never be alone with the child because the child will lie and you need to be there to clear it up; that again teaches the child that they can't have privacy and that their desires don't matter and how helpless they are because all adults are the enemy. I agree that family therapy can be very helpful with clients who struggle with RAD, but firing any therapist who wants to give the child a place of confidentiality is not that. This reads like someone who is struggling very much with kids who have been diagnosed with RAD, and who is looking for any answer to get the kid and themselves to a better place. Someone who is scared of what a child will do and so doesn't trust others (even professionals who have been trained in this) to be able to control them; with 'control' being a word that shouldn't be used in the first place with kids with RAD. All this is completely understandable, most people struggle with how to address behaviors stemming from RAD. But that type of person is who will be buying this book; not the person who should be writing it.

Because of the cacos that goes on here, I am only half way through this book and by the time I have some time for myself in the evening, I am totally exausted and drift off to sleep. However, I rate this book very high. With each page I turn, I see this youngster of 5 years, which was placed with us over 4 months ago, unfold within my fingers. We were his 3rd foster home within one month and have gone through a repite provider who will not take him, or his 21 month old deaf brother back. I have tried some of the options which are listed and they are working! Several things I was doing on my own, before I started reading "When Love Is Not Enough". Some of what I was doing already was the natural hand on hand love of a mother. I know of another foster family that is using the same book along with a gal that comes in through Greater Minnesota, which is working with us. Along with the training I am receiveing and the mental heath services this little guy is getting, I have high hopes that he will become a valued citizen of our great country. He has such a wonderful heart that is just crying to be set free.

I find it interesting that only three of the negative reviews written were written by actual parents. All the rest were written by "professionals". Being a foster parent and adoptive parent that is a professional, I have had to work with many therapist and social workers that know a lot of theory, but have never lived and worked 24/7 with a child that has RADs. I have listened to the Nancy Thomas' tapes and gone to her seminars. She is not a "cult", nor does she say everything she does is gospel. In fact, it's the opposite. She tells you, you need to have a profession therapist for you and your child at all times. A cult puts themself at the center and you can only go to them for answers. She tells you to not tackle this alone. Like most of life and books, everything in her book may not be for every child, but there is a lot you can benefit from. Overall she is teaching that what brings security and self esteem for a child is their learning to respect others and work within boundaries. Her tapes and books do not address every issue that a child can have, but she does state that if a child has RADs there are normally other issues involved. Her book is not to diagnose every possible problem, it is addressing RAD, and again tells you to get professional help as a part of your program. After working with children for as long as she has and having the results that she has you earn the right to be a professional. It is not the degree that makes you an expert in a field. There are many "professionals" that never earn that right.

This book is what many parents of RAD kids (children diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder) refer to as "the purple bible". Is it our sole source of guidance? Of COURSE not. In addition to "When Love is Not Enough", we have read Keck and Kupecky's "Adopting the Hurt Child", Cline and Fay's "Parenting with Love and Logic", Claudia Jewett's "Adopting the Older Child" and find wisdom in each. That being said, it MUST be brought to the attention of everyone who parents a child dx'd with RAD that Nancy Thomas' guide is the most practical and helpful guide available. In only 4 months, our lives with our adopted 13 year-old daughter (she came to live with us at age 11 and was diagonosed with RAD only 4 months ago) have changed radically. There is laughter and joy in our home again and she is making progress - she is HEALING. To be sure, there have been hurdles to applying Ms. Thomas' methods, chiefly the fact that both my husband and I have careers and home-schooling is not an option. Additionally, our daughter's age (13 years old). It has not been easy and we continue to be challenged every day; however, through creatively customizing Ms. Thomas' methods to what our daughter is telling us that she needs (through her actions), she is experiencing REAL success and she is HEALING. Parents of RAD kids, there are reviews here which disparage Nancy Thomas' methods in that they do not address respect for the child. I would like to remind these short-sighted individuals that respect is earned. Also, those children who do not respect themselves will certainly not be able to accept it from others. Following Nancy Thomas' guide affords children the opportunity to EARN respect - both from themselves and others. There are also reviews which attempt to discommend the resources of Nancy Thomas due to a lack of credentials. To these readers, I would remind them of the adage: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach." Enough said there. Yes, there are spelling and grammatical errors. Yes, the book's writing leaves much to be desired. Here, we must keep in mind the limited resources of nonprofit organizations. ALL THAT being said, if you are a parent of a child who has accurately been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), you ignore this guide at your AND your child's peril. Certainly, this is NOT the only resource. It will, however, bring about a change in your family dynamic that is nothing short of miraculous. It will enable your family to assist your "RADish" to begin to relinquish the debilitating patterns of control and, instead, begin building REAL relationships with others...relationships built on truth, trust, and love.

Someone has finally put what I live with into words. People did not believe what I said, because they saw a different part to my son, to the extent that they accused me of child abuse because I was "too strict". We have been using these strategies for just a few days, and we can already see a difference. I feel less stressed because I have ways of dealing with the behaviors that stressed me most. Any parent who has a child with ADHD, ODD, or RAD, should read this book several times. The methods may seem unconventional, but these are not conventional kids. I've lived with it for 5 years, and this is the first thing that's worked.

I have read many books on attachment and bonding and found this to be the most helpful. Nancy Thomas shares many concrete ways to #1--help your child improve his behavior and #2--help you maintain a loving attitude toward the child in the process. Patience, joyful living, and 'smiling eyes' can be hard when a child challenges every request, but Nancy's tips make it so much easier. My son is still quite young and his attachment issues are mild, but I am so glad to have these tools now before his behavior is 'cemented'. The book is helping us to maximize our bond to each other right now, which of course tremendously improves my son's chance for a bright future. I recommend this book to *anyone* who even wonders if their child *might* have attachment problem. Some of Nancy's tips have also been effective with my well-attached children. (Updated Dec 2008: Son is now a healthy, happy, well-attached 10 year old!)