What Mothers Do Especially When It Looks Like Nothing

Consciously avoiding the mud-slinging of "working" vs. "stay-at-home" and "breast" vs. "bottle", the author affirms what dedicated mothers have in common: a willingness to be on-call, alert, and attentive to their babies' needs. This book is a backrub between two covers, and offers reassurance to mothers who fear that if motherhood feels hard they must be doing something wrong. Stadlen puts words to the dozens of small tasks that remain un-named, demonstrating why mothers feel tired at the end of the day even though they sometimes find it hard to explain exactly why. She elaborates upon what a mother does accomplish on the days that she feels she has gotten nothing done. For mothers who are discouraged by the daunting task of mothering well, and for tough and successful women who have never faced a challenge that was too much for them until their first baby was born, this book is a reassurance and a blessing. Highly recommended.

I read this while at home on maternity leave with my first child. This book spoke directly to me. So many days I had it trying to keep up with a house, pets, visitors & a husband to take care of and this book spoke directly to me. It helped me keep my balance and put everything in perspective. This talks directly about those things there are not classes for -- like actually taking your new, innocent, little baby home and caring for him/her.

I have never written a book review before and I am doing so now because I am SO excited about this book. It is exactly what I needed! As the mother of a 6 month old, things are still pretty intense and overwhelming. This book is so validating! It's like the best support group ever, but you can bring it home with you. It validates how hard mothering is and suggests a new way to look at it - a way that makes it feel as important as it truly is. This book is truly inspiring. I'm ordering several copies to give to all of my friends!

What a wonderful addition to the resources you can find as a new mother. Instead of being a "how to" book, though, ("how to breastfeed", "how to get your baby to sleep", "how to (you fill in the blank)"; it is a validation of your instinct as a new mother. This author strives to offer language to detail what it IS we do, especially when, as the title offers, we have no "visible" work to show (it looks like nothing). I will be buying this for every new mom I know, as it is invaluable.

Twenty five years ago, as I tried to adapt to the reality of being a new mother, I asked more experienced mothers, "why are there no parenting books that speak to the subjective experience of the mother?" My own experience was one of feeling sandwiched between the seemingly insatiable demands of my first-born, on the one hand, and, on the other, the often rigidly prescriptive advice of published experts on "what's best for baby." How different it all would have been had I been able to consult Naomi Stadlen's careful observations and wise reflections during those confusing, stressful days of early motherhood! I imagine that her emphasis on the infinite varieties of "good enough" mothering would have felt both absolving and empowering -- absolving in the sense that her book lends legitimacy to all manner of unsentimental responses to new motherhood (undercurrents of resentment and guilt, dislocations of identity, frustration, powerlessness, perplexity, humiliating inefficiency and obliterative fatigue) alongside the hours of joy and delight -- and empowering in the sense that even inconsequential-seeming new behaviors, learned for the sake of one's child, are revealed to be of immense significance. One example of this is the capacity to be interruptible, "on call," able to drop everything to tend to the baby's needs, and then somehow minutes or hours or days later, pick up all the threads one has dropped. This capacity, the author reminds us, is absolutely central to the health of the child's unfolding identity - and, in turn, to the well-being of the whole human family. Naomi Stadlen not only gives voice to maternal subjectivity, she speaks on behalf of infants everywhere in emphasizing that "in general" instructions are of only tangential value compared to what one's own unique child asks for and needs and deserves. In carefully recording the actual comments of new mothers about everyday challenges, Ms. Stadlen aims to convey what is, rather than what should be done or felt. She emphasizes that "each relationship is an original creation... no one has the recipe for perfection...[the] single blueprint for being a good mother." What Mothers Do is psychogically astute and nuanced, but blessedly free of psycho-babble and professional jargon. Stadlen writes with clarity, grace and precision. At the same time, because of her extensive training and experience, the material is anchored in sound clinical theory and research. Those motivated to do so may use the excellent bibliography to go further with such topics as "the power of comfort," attachment theory, and the origins of "motherly love". Deep thanks to Naomi Stadlen for her gift to all of us, mothers and babies both.