We Have to Talk: Healing Dialogues Between Women and Men

This book challenges the prevailing theories about how men and women are different suggesting that these differences are socialized rather than intrinsic. In this book the authors show what is possible between men and women in terms of having mutual and deep connections by nurturing the "We" rather than the I & you. The concept of seeing ourselves as part of a "We" that needs to be cultivated is revolutionary and filled with promise.

"We Have to Talk" is a good read, almost too good, and I was left wondering how much was fiction and how much was non-fiction. Is Samuel Shem deliberately teasing us in using identical passages in his work of fiction "Mount Misery" and his later release ( with Janet Surrey) "We Have to Talk"? "We Have to Talk" (pg. 83)Kate: Where shall we go to dinner?Mitch: Let's go to Miguel's.Kate: How `bout PintementoMitch: Okay, let's go to Pintemento.Kate: (after a pause) But it sounded like you wanted to go to Miguel's.Mitch: No, no, it's okay-let's go where you want to go.Kate: But I want to go where you want to go too.Mitch: (silence)Kate: Why don't you want to go to Pintemento?Mitch: I just want to decide.Kate: But we are deciding.Mitch: We're not getting anywhere. (tensely) Let's just make a decision.Kate: (screaming) Why are you yelling at me? (starts to cry)Mitch: (screaming) I'm not yelling!"Mount Misery" (pg. 175-176). . . "Let's go out to dinner.""Fine. Where shall we go?""Let's go to Miguel's.""How about Pentimento?""Okay," I said, not really caring, "let's go to Pentimento."She paused, studying me. "But it sounded like you wanted to go to Miguel's.""No, no, it's okay-let's go where you want to go.""But I want to go where you want to go too." She considered this, and asked, "Why don't you want to go to Pentimento?"Feeling more tense, I said, "I just want to decide."The phone began ringing."Why are you yelling at me?""I'm not yelling."Also compare pages 201-202 of "Mount Misery" with page 44 of "We Have to Talk".The point to be made is not that Shem, the master of extreme hyperbole, is a sham, but that, while his fiction is eerily like real life, his non-fiction smacks of anecdote and fantasy. Even if Tom and Ann are real, a couple detailed in "We Have To Talk" who but the most affluent with limitless recourses, could afford the luxuries they take for granted, in and out of therapy. What about a boot-strapping theory for the rest of us? Also, why the pervasive Freud bashing in both books? I am certainly not a Freud fan, but why is "holding the We" any less contrived then "the shadow of the object falls across the ego"? Doesn't Shem do exactly as Freud, concocting fanciful theories to fit his anecdotal experiences from a small cross section of the American population in order to serve his own notoriety?I still recommend "We Have to Talk" but ask the reader to sift through the self help dross for the occasional enlightening pearls.

This is a great book - the kind of book that you wish you had read 10 years ago. It would have saved me a lot of pain and grief in my relationships. I'm a 35 year old male - and I could recognize both the male responses in the book - and the reaction of the women. I recommend it to all my male friends - this is the book all men should read if they want to make their relationships with women work - and if they really want to learn what it means to truly connect, not just with women, but with each other as well. A truly insighful - and inspirational - book.

A very thought-provoking and enlightening work on gender differences and how they conspire to prevent/hobble quality relationship between men & women. I found myself continually clapping my forehead and saying "Duh!" and I've always fancied myself an evolved, hip and sensitive new-age guy! With that said, I'm eager to "reality check" this book with some of my women friends to get their perspective. My instinct tells me "We Have to Talk" can be an incredibly valuable tool in understanding the deep, social underpinnings of both interpersonal communication and relational behavior. In fact, this may have been the single best interpersonal or "relationship" book I've ever read...and I've read a few. I now feel much better-equipped now to build stronger, healthier and more mutually-rewarding relationships in the future. I also got the sense the authors really know their stuff and commend them for presenting the issue and information in a clear,very readable style.