Watching My Friend Die: The Honest Death of Bob Schwartz

Mark Hare's "Watching My Friend Die: The Honest Death of Bob Schwartz", is a remarkable little book. Ostensibly, this is a story book of a mere 142 pages, well-told, about the lingering death from pancreatic cancer of a well-loved Rochester, NY teacher and songwriter at the tender age of 49. But it is also a story about the author's candid personal reactions to the circumstances of his friend's death and his introspective musings about death, faith, and life choices. The thoughts and questionings expressed are rightly thought by the author as more than just his own but likely to be experienced by others in similar circumstances, hence worthy of being expressed in a book. Hare's introspection results in some positive realizations for him, like the value of hope, community, and his Catholic faith. Hare is liberal enough to believe that these things may or may not be similarly valued by others, but he makes the case that one can learn a great deal about life choices from the experience of death. The book is part of a series published by ACTA Publications of reflections of lay Catholics on what it means to live out the Catholic faith in the midst of life's joys and challenges. What initially fascinated the author about the death of Bob Schwartz was how Bob refused to die what some would call "the good death"; that is, an accepting, contemplative, deliberate windup of one's life and relationships with others. It implies a quiet expiration where the dying one tries to make the least demands on his care givers. There was none of this for Bob Schwartz, an ebullient man who cherished life, lived life fully, and did not want to see it end. He refused to accept the inevitability and immanence of his death and acted to the end as if he would never accept it. This attitude placed increased and extraordinary demands on Bob's family, friends, and care givers. It seemed selfish in a way. It was not a "good death" by conventional understanding. The author's primary theme focuses on a comparison between the so-called "good death" and Bob's type of death. Bob was true to himself, his history, and his nature. For him to do it any other way would have been personally dishonest. For a man who lived a good, community-oriented, selfless life, to give up on that attitude would be difficult and wrong. Hence, the admiration of Bob's way by those who observed his difficult demise, despite the hardships. Bob's death, like his life, was honest, and despite the difficulties of his death process, his way of dying was probably the best choice for him. In his case, an honest death trumped the virtues of the "good death". For anyone who has experienced closely the lingering death of a relative or friend, it is no surprise to learn of the availability of a huge number of personal memories and journalistic pieces about the experience. It certainly is one of the most impactful, poignant, challenging, and provocative experiences one can have. Hare's description of the hones

"His story is really about the inner strength and happiness that comes from choosing to spend oneself for others. His story is proof that freedom ennobles us...when we consciously choose to be part of a community much larger than ourselves...Bob Schwartz's story is everyone's story." -- from "Watching My Friend Die." In this truly insiring book, Mark Hare writes eloquently and sensitively about one man's lingering death and the impact it has on the community of friends he has lovingly nurtured and sustained through his unceasing reaching out in love. Although Hare honestlty chronicles the journey to God of his friend with all its pain and sadness, this is not so much a book about death as it is a celebration of friendship and connectivity and community, a book about life and our pilgrimmage toward God together. The reader will find much to think about in these pages, and much, much hope.

This new work begs comparison with the wildly popular "Tuesdays with Morrie" written by Mitch Albom about his former professor Morrie Schwartz, an influential doctor of sociology. Bob Schwartz (no relation), the subject of the newly released Watching My Friend Die, was a popular and respected high school teacher. When he was in his 70s, Morrie learned he had Lou Gehrig's disease; Bob was in his late 40s when he heard the diagnosis of terminal cancer. Both men asked writers of their acquaintance to chronicle their dying, which, in each case, spanned about two years. Aside from some obvious particulars, as the progress of the disease and effect of the illness on family and friends, the similarities end here. "Tuesdays" is based on Mitch and Morrie's discussions about The Meaning of Life. "Watching" is the dying of an energizer who lived for his relationships, who rejected the idea that we can ignore each other, who believed that anything is possible. Experiences of and reflections by the author and others who participated in Bob's last year are integral to the story, and make it all the richer. "In my time with Bob I was seeing more clearly than ever that hope doesn't just fall into your lap. You have to choose it and live accordingly. By sharing his cancer with friends, he did not bring people down. Rather, he gave them hope and the tools to find it within themselves," writes Hare.