Try to See It My Way: Being Fair in Love and Marriage

As a marriage and family therapist for the past 25 years, this is the book I wish I had written. I have already recommended it to every couple I treat. Fairness, not love or sex, is at the core of sustainable relationship. Dr. Hibbs explains this fact, shows how partners unknowingly acquire models of fairness from their own families and impose those models on each other. The author goes on to describe typical fairness traps and how to get out of them. Her clear, accessible discussion is replete with clinical examples that anyone can relate to. The book includes questionnaires and exercises to help the reader explore his or her own model of fairness and fairness traps (blind spots for participating in unfair relating). Caring parents should give this as a gift to their engaged children! Highly recommended.

Try to See It My Way is a wonderful addition to the field of couples therapy. I wish this book would have been available 30 years ago when I started seeing clients. It takes a gifted clinician/theoretician to take a theory and make it accessible to the public. Dr. Hibbs has provided such a cogent and deceptively simple rendering of contextual family therapy to clinicians and ordinary couples. I think this book ranks along side of those of Harville Hendrix and Virginia Satir in that respect. Well written and conceptually sound it is enjoyable to read and extraordinarily useful, both for the couples who are healthy enough to make use of the concepts as well as to those who are locked in destructive relationships and don't know when to quit. I believe this book will help them with the difficult question of knowing when it is alright to give up. Dr. Hibbs offers a map through the "minefield of fairness issues". "Entitlement" has developed a bad rap, usually seen as an unhealthy demand, but Dr. Hibbs explains legitimate entitlements, and the consequences of those who ask for too little or who take too much in a relationship. She describes how such patterns develop, encouraging couples to look at their families of origin and realistically assess the good and the bad that they have inherited from their parents. Finally she presents a toolkit to use to change the unhealthy patterns. This book is written with tenderness and compassion. The many examples and the limited and very appropriate self disclosure all combine to form a sense of trust between the author and the reader, that probably mirrors what Dr. Hibbs clients are fortunate to experience. I have recommended this book to many clients already. It is one that I would consider offering for sale on the spot if I did such things, but I don't! Finally, I look forward to a sequel - written for those who are not in relationships but are searching for the "right" partner, or applying the theory beyond marriage to other relationships.

In clear precise language the author speaks to the relationship that lies between individuals , with a focus on issues of fairness, loyalty, and entitlement. Dr,. Hibbs succeeds in making some difficult concepts accessible to the lay reader. I wish I had this excellent book when I began my family therapy practice 30 years ago.

Try To See It My Way provides a much needed resource to the couple therapy literature, for both therapist and lay reader. This book provides examples one can relate to, and encourages you to explore your own way of relating. It also inspires you to reach for fairer exchange with those you love, and illustrates how this can profoundly impact your relationships. This is a must read!

Definitely five stars! As a psychologist and therapist for many years myself, I heartily recommend Try to See It My Way to couples, and also to clinicians. This is a wise practical guide from a skilled teacher and clinician. The language is accessible, the examples illuminating and the exercises useful. Most importantly, here is a roadmap that teaches couples how to tap a core resource between them: negotiating fairness. Until now, that terrain has been underexplored in the 'couple' literature. Bottomline: This is a truly valuable book for couples who really want things to be better, and a much needed contribution to the field of couple therapy.