Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self

Pages 11-14 are amazing! Chapter 1 is good and worth reading. Chapters 2 & 3 are absolutely amazing!!! The whole book is definitely worth reading. I am glad I read this book it helped me gain perspective and realize what I have been dealing with and that I am not alone and it isn't me

Children seek approval from their parents; adolescents, from their peers; adults, from themselves.In a healthy family, the parents facilitate this development, giving the child the generous love that makes it possible for her to grow beyond the neediness of the first stage. (Both sexes can occupy both positions, but for simplicity we'll assume that the parent is male, the child female.) A healthy parent recognizes his child as a separate person. He provides an environment where she can start creating an independent life that will represent her own spirit. His joy is to watch her become who she is.But generally a parent who has not received this kind of love in childhood does not have it to give. Instead of seeking to meet the child's needs, he seeks to make her meet his. In love with an idealized self-image of confidence and authority, he wants his child to justify or repeat his life--or the life he wishes he had lived. He acts to keep her in a childish state, seeking his approval. When she meets his wishes, he gives her exaggerated praise; when she doesn't, exaggerated criticism. But what drives his behavior is neither love nor malice, but fear--fear that his child, or he, or anyone, will discover that the Wizard of Oz is only the man behind the curtain.The child believes in the parent and cannot see his fear. Hoping to make him love her, she tends to act as if he were right (for he must above all be right), to live out his image of her--the idealized image of what he praises, the hated image of what he criticizes, or both. She often seeks mates who replicate aspects of his character--perpetuating both her misery and her false hope that he will one day love her as a separate person. Because she has internalized his impossible demands, her pursuit of his love can continue long after his death. As long as it stays unconscious, the cycle tends to repeat itself--each successive empty parent unable to accept his child's separate humanity, passing on to her the damage he has suffered.At varying degrees of severity, the dynamics of narcissism help to explain consequences that affect millions--ranging from low self-esteem, oversensitivity to criticism, and difficulty with authority figures to addiction, eating disorders, and confusion about who we are and what we want.To break the cycle, the child must realize that the love she hopes for from the narcissistic parent is not coming. (She can discover also that this is not his fault.) Giving up the old hope is painful--but once it is gone, adult life and adult love become possible.Through vivid case studies, including her own, Dr. Elan Golomb illuminates both the narcissist's compulsion and the child's struggle for liberation. She concludes with steps the children of narcissists can take to deal more effectively with their parents and emerge into lives of their own. Her brave and compassionate book enriches our view of others and of ourselves.

Trapped in the Mirror is a well-written expose' of the inner turmoil, devastation and confusion caused by the narcissistic parent or family. It is a must read for those dedicated to their personal growth or the development of an authentic self. Written in uncomplicated language, without psychobabble, it would be a quick read, were it not for the joy and pain of dawning awareness. Best read once for clarifying and strengthening your sense of self, and then again to challenge your own narcissism and how it affects your mate and offspring.

This book was the answer to my questions, my anger, and my resentment towards my narcissistic mother. For years I beat myself up, thinking that there was some way I could make her love me more. I thought it was up to me. "Trapped in the Mirror" was a very well-written account of many people's struggles and the common threads of emotions we all go through as "victims". I am no longer a victim after reading this book. I understand my mom better because I know where she is coming from. I also know how to spot a narcissist and keep my distance! Very empowering!

Narcissism has become a rampant dis-ease in our consumer driven, instant-gratification-or-die culture. Golomb's work can help readers identify the narcissists in their lives, and their own narcissistic tendencies as well. And she offers hope for those who are willing to take the risk to escape from the mirror.... Often, being able to identify a problem is the first step to being able to accept it, and transform it. Golomb gives excellent information and personalized histories/herstories that clarify the sometimes subtle, but desturctive control dramas used by narcissists to create their illusion-filled worlds. If you are considering taking the risk to free yourself from a narcissist this is an excellent resource. Information is power!