Toughlove

I am a member of a Toughlove group and just because that one woman wasn't willing to change her own behavior is not a reflection on the Toughlove group or their philosophy. Toughlove is about realizing that you can't change your child, you can only change the way you relate to them, thus forcing them to relate to you differently. It's about taking stands and setting boundaries and not letting your children manipulate you. It's about putting the anxiety and responsibility for our children's lives where it belongs, on the children. I think a lot of people have bad misconceptions about what Toughlove is all about. I would recommend this book and the new book "The Toughlove Prescription" to any parent, whether their child is in crisis or not. The principles apply whether the child is in crisis or not.

This is an amazing book and an extremely helpful approach to parenting teenagers. I don't get it why people think they advocate abuse, it's the opposite it makes parents accountable for their behavior. The writers present great ideas and insight into the problems that are facing our families and communities because of destructive teenage behaviors. Great book!

I have had this book in my book case since the 1980's. Today it is shop worn as it has gone through so many parents hands. It was given to me when I was having trouble with my 14 year old daughter. Don't purchase this book if you want 'warm & fuzzy'. If you are still in the warm fuzzy zone then your problems will continue. This book is about getting you to face facts and start you off on a new journey. It is merely a guideline and I like the fact that they present the information in such a way that you and your teen have to do the work yourself. Why does everyone want to get off the hook? This book puts things in perspective and makes you deal with reality. It addresses the real issues and opens your eyes. If you are at your wits end with a teen that is acting out this is a great start-up book to help you identify your problems. It really shows how Tough Love can work. It also shows how we as parents find excuses for our children rather than deal with the real issues. This book helps you to start making yourself and your teen accountable for all actions and decisions. It's a winner in my eyes! It pulled me thru time and time again.

Tough love is not for young people who respond to the support network we provide to help them with their problems and make them feel accepted. Does your young person trash the house, terrorize his/her parents with profanity, beatings and ejection from the house, deal dope, commit larceny or arson and sneer at all socialization? Then, your network is not working! In vain will you seek "techniques" of control, which do not apply here. The tough love method is not to condone uncivilized behavior but to initiate social action (courts, police, agencies) if necessary (and it usually is) and to let the young person take the consequences of his/her actions without interference, asserting that you love this person and stand ready to reward any repentance. The latter is usually a long time in coming. Meanwhile, you desperately require the support of your peers, and that is the reason for the group. Don't underestimate it. It may be all you have. The chance to share your specific problem with others possibly worse off is invaluable. Go to the group!

I felt very encouraged after reading this book. As the "wicked step dad" to a 14 year old strong-willed boy, it was never easy getting him to do chores, homework, and keep his word. The authors' practical experience with their own kids and dozens of other troubled kids shows how they went from frustration to a realistic and practical take-charge method. There are several case histories. Their method is about accountability, taking a stand and sticking with it. It's also about parental peace of mind. It ISN'T about a military boot-camp mind set, mean-spiritedness, or being something you aren't. My wife wished she had read the book a decade earlier, when she was treating her kid like a miniature adult, mostly in charge of his own life. He ended up being spoiled, selfish, and unreasonable as a teen.Many years later now, he's matured, on his own, and we all have a good relationship, with mutual respect.Parents have rights and needs, too!