Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now

Gordon Livingston, a psychiatrist by way of West Point and Johns Hopkins, presents us with interesting combinations of truth telling. He gets immediate "street cred" due to his Bronze Star for valor in Viet Nam, and this after averring that he went to war to "find out if I was brave." Additionally, he plumbed the depths of his emotions after losing two sons, thirteen months apart, one to lukemia (at 6) and the other to suicide via his son's manic-depression. Livingston's advice as promulgated in the subtitle, "30 true things you need to know now", is delivered with the softly directed assurance of a loving parent, one who has counseled and re-parented hundreds of adults. IMO, he's too the point and for the most part accurate. I'll spell out my disagreements in a moment, but In the meantime I'll describe each chapter in a layman's terms,... mine. Chap 1 says that "if the map doesn't agree with the terrain, the map is wrong" - We all strive to keep our worldview's consistent even when they're contradicted by an inconvenient reality (which begs the value of education?) If people blinker themselves when they should be listening, they've closed their minds to critical analysis and aren't looking at all the facets of the problem in order to arrive at the best solution (witness what passes for today's political discourse?) Chap 2 - "We are what we do" - Here he distills patterns of behavior which IMO are the best way to predict someone's future behavior, man or woman. He discusses self deception (the result of the "blinkering process") and the fear of risking feelings in personal relationships (one could call this a fear of intimacy, no?) If crisis in life is seeing yourself differently at any age, then fear of confronting your rejections is nothing so much as the fear of agonizing self re-appraisals. Ipso, we engage in denial to avoid having to face reality on even ground. Chap 3 - "It's difficult to remove by logic an idea not placed there by logic in the first place" - He explains why arguing over political or religious dogma is fruitless as the blinders are surely on if the foundation of the facts underpinning the assumptions are fallacious (it's a testament to his own ability at mind compartmentalization when he argues (later in this book) in favor of the global warming thesis, of the anti-war thesis, of not spanking unruly children, and for "social justice" (all concepts favored by left-wing conventional wisdom, but not by the silent majority.) He gets into the difficulty people have in changing their own ingrained worldviews which speaks to the illogical nature so evident in their contradictory habits and patterns (not only found in the SUV driving enviro, but in all of us.) In that we're all living in a "google-it" world, our self denial of possible factual refutation displays our possible willful ignorance as outlined in this book. Chap 4 - He talks about "a figurative statute of limitations on our childhood traumas" - the on

I found this book in a bookstore at just the right time. I am up to only the ninth "thing" and I have already gotten so much out of it. I've read the sixth chapter (Feelings Follow Behavior) about four times so far. I had been grappling with understanding what distinguishes "diseases" in mental health from what the author calls "certain patterns of behavior." The author's thoughts in chapter six greatly enhanced my understanding of that. In beginning to deal with some of my childhood trauma, I am questioning what value there is in digging up all that stuff, how much to identify with it and what to do with it after it's dug up. The chapter, "The statute of limitations has expired on most of our childhood traumas" helped me understand more than anything else that acceptance is a prerequisite and powerful motivator for change and for dealing with "what's next." Another chapter had some good thoughts on the limits of control and perfectionism. One sentence from that chapter would make a great bumper sticker: "Control is a popular illusion closely related to the pursuit of perfection" (a lesson the author no doubt learned from his losses in life). I don't think that I'm a perfectionist but I sure do like to control things. Hmmm. This book is helping me stick with some positive changes I'm making in my life despite more than a little pain and uncomfortableness. That is one reason I consider this book and others like it to be more spiritual than self help or psychology. Considering the price of a therapy session it is a great investment.

For about 20 years now, I've had a cast iron trivet hanging on my wall that shows a Dutch couple winking at each other with the fake mangled English wording "We get too soon oldt undt too late schmart." I've always loved the sentiment that it expresses, the mangling of the English language, and the Dutch couple winking at each other. So when I stumbled across a book recently entitled "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart", by Dr Gordon Livingston (a psychiatrist), I had to check it out. It's a very cool and accessible book about "30 True Things You Need To Know Now", written in short, several page essays. Read one or ten, skip around, read the whole book in a couple of hours. It's good information. Since he is a psychiatrist, a lot of it has to do with mental health, relationships, self-actualization, etc... but it it is very readable, and very good information. Much of it has to do with the "I wish I knew then what I know now" sorts of things that we encounter in our lives. It's all based on him "working in the front line trenches" with those whose life problems have led them to seek therapy. Perhaps there are those who already know all of these things and don't need any additional information, but I'm not one of them! All of the essays, I feel, will lead one in a direction towards more mature, fulfilled, and "wise" lives. The pursuit of wisdom is something, in my opinion, which is sorely neglected in our hyper, "I want it all and I want it right now" culture. It's fun to pursue a little insight and wisdom, and certainly makes me at least realize my own limitations in that search! In fact, know up front that for EVERYONE who reads this book, there are probably one or more things that are going to make them uncomfortable. That's because growth ALWAYS involves change from the status quo, taking chances by reexamining some of our most cherished ideas or entrenched dysfunctional personality patterns. And of course, there may be some things with which people may simply not agree with Dr. Livingston. (I presume) That said, letting a breath of fresh air into our closed systems is often a good thing... My only complaint was that the book doesn't really have a coherent underlying "whole" to it, but just seems a collection of essays which the author has collected over the years; not that that's necessarily bad. Also, it seems that a lot of the 30 TITLES of the essays are thoughts in and of themselves, and good ones, but that the essays which follow sometimes don't amplify the thought, or veer off into different directions. Not that THAT's bad... it's all good info. This ISN'T a "self-help" book. It's a collection of essays and meditations. Finally, I actually felt a little sorry for the author... he's had some big tragedies in his life, and yet seems casting about a bit spiritually about the whole meaning of those. But that's OK... to me, it just means that he's human, and working on trying to grow, just like the rest of us.

I am not, in general, a fan of advice books, but Dr. Livingston is the "real deal." Having survived the suicide of his own son, he has great credibility in advising the rest of us about how to deal with disappointments and tragedy. But he also provides sage words about how to get on with living joyfully. If you've gone through some rough times--and who hasn't?--read this book for inspiration.

The minute anyone realizes good intentions just don't cut it, that it's only actions that make me "me," life is immediately more fulfilling, more challenging, more fun. The difference between a person who becomes who they want to become, and a person who doesn't, can be found in their willingness to take real steps every day. Want to be someone who speaks another language? Get a book and teach yourself. Want to be the kind of person who is appreciated and valued at work? Review your work ethic and your interactions and make positive changes. Want to be healthier? Actually exercise every day instead of just planning to do so. The world can tell who you are by how you act, and if you don't like what it's seeing you're the only one who can fix it. In addition, realizing that the people around you aren't who they say they are, but who they act like they are, is a lesson I wish I'd been exposed to and had been able to comprehend in highschool.