To Hell with All That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife

After reading all the hype and flak, I wasn't sure I was ready to read TO HELL WITH ALL THAT. But I was hooked after finishing the preface. And while I partly agree with some of the reviewers who are disturbed that Flanagan waxes poetic on housekeeping yet employs household help and a nanny, I think they've missed the point. Flanagan's subtitle says it all: we love AND loathe our inner housewife in the cultural sense. In other words, Flanigan speaks to the fact that so many of us give lip service to "family values," yet we remain oddly and stubbornly conflicted about who will take care of the homefront. We want the ironed linens on the bed and the fresh-cut flowers in a vase on the table -- but we want a mom or a maid to do these homey things for us. Flaganan's essays explore WHY we are so divided and often confused about these issues. Flanagan's style is elegant, and she's included a lot of fascinating research and some interesting historical references to housewifery -- without boring us to tears. Speaking for myself, a work-at-home columnist, I think Flanigan has done a fabulous job articulating my own longing for "home" as well as this country's weird conflict surrounding all things domestic. -- Cindy La Ferle, author of WRITING HOME. www.laferle.com

"Today's career mom is often trying to make partner or become regional sales manager or executive editor, jobs that require a tremendous amount of hours and a willingness to allow urgent appeals, via BlackBerry or cell phone, to interrupt even the best-laid plans for family time. And all the while, breathing down their necks, unwilling to give an inch, are the women who have chosen to stay home. They've given up on power and the autonomy of work for one signal reason: to ensure that their children get the best of themselves. And every day they're raising the stakes and the standards on what is required to be a good mother. These, of course, are the tensions of our times." (Caitlin Flanagan in To Hell with All That : Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife) To be a mother is to, at times, neglect oneself and one's children, whether or not one earns a paycheck. There is tension, hypocrisy, and grinding anxiety sandwiched between the moments of transcendence. Can we talk about these things already without the polemics of the working mom vs. at home mom debate and have some fun while doing so? Caitlin Flanagan does just that in To Hell with All That : Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife. Flanagan herself is a living contradiction. She is an at home mom to two twin sons and has a gardener, maid and organizer. She writes at length about the relationship she had with her sons' daytime nanny. True, I am a bit jealous of her ability to outsource so many menial tasks but her writing style is sparkling and witty and she doesn't have a "do it my way" attitude. She warmed my heart by devoting several pages to columnist Erma Bombeck , the icon of the post-World War II housewife. A housewife from that era was a different creature from today's at home mom. Housewives didn't trail in the wake of their children the way today's at home moms do. House and husband came first. And they had Erma to make them (and their teenaged daughters) laugh. When I heard the report of her death ten years ago I sat down and cried. It was almost like losing a friend. Today's icon is Martha Stewart, who doesn't make anyone laugh (except, maybe, when she's sent off to prison), but seems to inspire many and Flanagan spends some time pondering the core questions of her phenomenal success. Flanagan gives lavish weddings a proper dissing, discovers that de-cluttering is the new housekeeping, and tells the compelling story of how her competent and seemingly content housewife mother abruptly sought employment in 1973. And she makes her readers laugh along the way. If you're looking for a Mother's Day present, this book might be just the thing.

The issues Flanagan addresses are complex, and she addresses those complexities with wit, humor, and sensitivity. Since when is someone anti-feminist just because she points out that not everything that has come out of feminism is positive? Who hasn't felt the angst? With Flanagan's book, we get to laugh as well.

I recently came across a blog that said feminists should steer clear of Ms. Flanagan's work -- good thing I didn't listen. To view this book through a lens of "feminism vs. anti-feminism" is to ignore its inherent richness and insightful complexity. Ms. Flanagan raises vital and bold questions about the complexities of being a modern woman, exploring the many challenges and choices that women face as they seek to define themselves as mothers, professionals, and wives. It asks me to consider all sides of the choices I make, and that's undoubtedly a positive thing. Balanced with thorough research, heart-felt reflection, and hilarious wit, these essays are as entertaining as they are thought-provoking. Especially moving are Ms. Flanagan's essays on facing breast cancer and on her mother's decision to return to work -- both are written with such courage, honesty, and eloquence and underscore the indelible influence that our mothers leave on our lives. All in all, it's an excellent read, proving once again that you can't judge a book (or a writer) by a blog!

I have been a fan of Caitlin Flanagan's work since she wrote for the Atlantic (and those of you who are like me will be happy to see some of her classic pieces reworked in this book) and was excited to learn that she was writing a book. I knew that her painfully honest--and hilarious--way of observing women's lives would make it a great read. And it is. What has surprised me in the past week since the publication of her book is the response of "feminists" to her book. I am a feminist. And a lawyer. And a mother of three. And it is hard. Anyone who says otherwise is in denial or a liar. Caitlin Flanagan is neither; she faces head-on the hard truths about the guilt, the joy and the choices that surround them both that the average woman faces every day. How can it be inflammatory that she reminds us that "something is lost" when a mother works. OF course it is! And other things are gained. Dissenting voices--particularly articulate and FUNNY ones like Caitlin Flanagan's--should be encouraged. You might not agree with everything she believes (and I doubt she would want you to) but she'll make you defend your positions, if only to yourself. And that makes it worth it. Great book.