This Is Not the Story You Think It Is...: A Season of Unlikely Happiness

"Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear" --- Laura Munson's account of trouble in her marriage --- was the most forwarded, shared, discussed, debated column in the Style section of The New York Times all year. It's not hard to understand why. After almost two decades of marriage, the father of her two children blindsides her with an announcement: "I don't love you anymore. I'm not sure I ever did. I'm moving out. The kids will understand. They'll want me to be happy." If your partner said that to you, chances are that would be the start of a conversation --- an ugly one. Laura Munson said, simply, "I don't buy it." And then, cool as you please, she asked her husband, "What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?" That separation of his problems from her problems, of his problems from the childrens' well being, unnerved her husband. And as the days of his absence turned into weeks, her refusal to deal with situations she couldn't control was sorely tested. But after four months, her husband had begun to deal with his issues. He rejoined the family, reaffirmed his love and their marriage. He even encouraged her to write about their experience. Most readers were dazzled by her insistence on living in the moment --- and on choosing to make these moments as self-aware and happy as possible. Only a few saw her story in darker terms: "Despite her assurances to the contrary, there is clearly a mother-child dynamic between the spouses. In the end, the errant child returns to the breast of the saintly, long-suffering mother." But publishers all had the same reaction: We want this. In days, Munson --- who had written something like 14 unpublished novels --- had an agent. In a few more, she had a publisher: Amy Einhorn, she of flawless taste and great editorial skill. (Einhorn is responsible for The Help and The Postmistress.) And now there's a book. If there is justice, it will do very, very well. Unlike "Eat, Pray, Love," it's not the account of a luxury sabbatical, in which a privileged woman, unburdened by children, gets to lick the wounds of a failed marriage with a trip around the world. Unlike "The Happiness Project," the author is not a New York wife and mother who has it all and thinks it can be still better. Munson may once have been a private school kid with all the advantages, she may now be living on a ranch in Montana, but when you're looking down the barrel of two kids post-divorce, you're in a zone that a lot of American women know well. I loaned my copy to a divorced mother of two. It was returned with 30 post-it notes attached to pages she found especially significant. And, on a larger post-it, a review: "This book will fly off the shelf and perhaps save many a marriage. I have a giant girl crush on Laura Munson." I like this book so much that don't want to quote, summarize, interpret --- I just hope, if you're in any kind of relationship, that you'll get it and read it. Because here's the ra

Laura Munson is painstakingly honest. She shares the unvarnished truth about her faltering marriage, and refuses to give up and allow this relationship to crumble without a fight. Laura finds herself at 40-something, living in Montana with two kids, in a marriage that she thought was unshakable, in serious debt and without creditable success in her chosen field as a novelist. Her husband is in the midst of a middle aged crisis. He thinks maybe he doesn't love her anymore. Laura speaks from the heart and tells him, "I don't buy it." This engaging, sweet, sentimental and funny book follows Laura through very difficult months as she struggles to make things work. The prose is just beautiful. I feel as though Laura is an old friend who has been sharing her woes over tea. Being about the same age, I have seen friends go through marriage problems, affairs, and divorces. It's easy to imagine Laura sitting at my kitchen counter, sniffling a bit as she relates how much it hurt when he didn't join the family for Independence Day celebrations. She's just the sort of smart, involved, and unpretentious person I choose to hang out with. Here's a brief sample: "This morning I lay in bed next to my sleeping husband. His eyes were rolling back and forth under his lids and I wondered where he was. Was he scuba diving? Flying helicopters? Climbing Mt. Rainer, which he did with his brother so long ago now? I wanted to be with him wherever he was. I kept eyeing his shoulder, so open and available. And like the worst sort of opportunist, I curled in to it. After all, that's been my shoulder to curl into for twenty years. Sometimes you have to steal what you want and run. " It just flows so nicely, and Laura describes her husband's issues without sounding mean, holier than thou, or like a martyr. She loves him, feels his unhappiness deeply, and wants to help him through the pain.

To outsiders, it looks like Laura Munson has it all. Custom-built house, prep school background, time to write, beautiful children, gorgeous husband, even a horse of her own. But her husband's career is crumbling, along with his pride, and one day he makes an announcement that threatens to shake the foundation of her life. He's not sure if he's ever loved her, and he wants out. From here, the book works on two levels. If you specifically know a guy having a midlife crisis, Laura (and her therapist) set an excellent example of how to play it cool and give him room to figure things out. (Laura does fall off the wagon a few times---she gets a bit pushy re: what she thinks will restore his zest for life---helicopter instruction. But overall, she basically adapts the patience of a saint and bites her tongue more times than I could ever manage.) Second, Laura realizes this is an excellent chance to practice "nonsuffering." We all know in our heart that we are the only ones who can make ourselves happy. But let's face it, our minds tell us differently. (Laura talks about her Evil Twin Sheila---we all have someone like that in our head speaking garbage to us every day.) She remembers to breathe. She realizes that husband or not, she can still enjoy fireworks on the lawn. Basically, she rediscovers her own happiness (something that gets spread a bit thin for those of us with husbands and families and perhaps for everyone else trying to juggle life in this century as well). So at this level, the book will speak to all women. For the record, I could have lived without the tomato sauce recipe. I don't know what's up with this gimmick---it's in Frances Maye's new memoir, Lunch in Paris, etc. But I loved the tell-it-as-it-is, gossipy, confessional, girl-talk tone. Basically, Laura is sharing her diary with us, and it's impossible to put down. This book could prompt some really candid conversations at book groups; maybe we all need to learn to share what's really going on behind those closed doors. This book offers us an excellent place to start.

Laura Munson somehow managed to write this book while she was going through one of the most critical times in her life. She kept her household going, took care of her children and her animals, and made herself into a better person as she dealt with her husband's desertion. When her husband announced he didn't love her, Laura didn't buy it. She recognized that he was in a crisis situation and decided that whether her marriage held together or not, she was going to survive and take control of her own happiness. Though the uncertainty must have been excruciating during the worst moments, she kept to her goal. I couldn't help but admire her courage and her wisdom as, with the help of a great therapist, Laura got through this dark period. The book is written as if Laura Munson is confiding directly to you and that you and she are good friends. She writes with raw emotion as she explains her strategy to give her husband time to see what's really important while not making the mistake of pushing or demanding. I found myself nodding and agreeing that what she was doing, while difficult, was exactly the right approach. At times I hurt for her and other times I cheered her on, but at all times I pulled for her to come out on the other side as the person she wanted to be--someone who had put an end to her suffering and become the source of her own happiness. Laura Munson is a gifted writer and a wise soul. I look forward to reading more of her books.

Nine hours after announcing that he's not sure he loves her any more, Laura Munson's husband has not yet returned home from an errand, and she's in some doubt if and when he ever will. It's clear this is not going to be a warm and fuzzy memoir and yes, it's written in present tense. Ms. Munson is very honest in saying she's not sure how the story will end. The only thing she is sure of is that her tormented husband will not get to decide how and when their relationship will end and that she can choose to not suffer, no matter what the outcome. She invites the reader to go along with her on her journey, and it's an unusual and adventurous one, though not always pretty. The reader becomes Munson's confidante and with her, experiences the disappointment, rage, and hurt caused by her husband's thoughtlessness, but we also discover the joy that comes from the realization that while we can't always control events, we can control our reactions to them. Munson recognizes her husband's pain, and somehow she manages to give him the space he needs to heal, while guarding her own well being as well as that of their children. It's not easy, and her life becomes a series of little battles as she protects her children, maintains her own career, keeps the household running while being compassionate about her husband's state of mind without getting sucked into it. Somehow she also upholds her vow to be happy and not suffer. It helps that she's a writer, has a great therapist, and a few trustworthy and non-judgmental friends and her own interests as well as living in a place of great beauty, with twenty acres, two ponds, a horse, four gardens and two great children, though she thoroughly makes her point that pain is pain, no matter what the economic context. This could have been a depressing and typical midlife crisis story. It could also have been whiny and New Age. It's none of these. It is an honest and not always flattering chronicle of Ms. Munson's constant struggle over that summer to not suffer, create happiness, and let go of the need and desire to know what happens next. It's a very personal and courageous story that will resonate with anyone who's ever experienced the ups, downs and out of controlness of a long-term relationship. It's inspiring--not because it has a storybook happy ever after ending, although in a way it does, but because the ending is incidental to the story. In her zen like journey, Ms. Munson proves that we do have a stunning power to alter the quality of our lives. That's something we all need to learn and well worth proving.