The Wounded Heart Companion Workbook: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse

As I've mentioned in my previous reviews on self-help books for abuse survivors, I don't go for the current so-called Christian clap-trap ideas of healing and forgiving. Many push the idea that you should "forgive and forget," bury the memories, and be nice to your abuser by never mentioning the past, to "get along" at all costs. Some also argue that we should just hand it all over to Jesus and everything will be fine. Dan Allender boldly attacks and rejects these notions in his book The Wounded Heart. Allender is a Christian counselor who has worked extensively with victims of sexual abuse throughout his career, and Colorado Christian University I believe still maintains a sexual abuse ministry he helped establish. The book itself is written mostly for women, though I believe men can also benefit from it. My interest in this book was piqued by a friend who herself had used the book to tackle her own past issues. Something about the hopeful tone I picked up in her voice told me this book offered something different and worth looking into. The Wounded Heart took me several months to finish, but not because it is poorly written or boring. Rather it is because Allender's words, what he has to offer, is so intense that I had to take breaks and let the weight of what I just read absorb before I could move forward with taking another bite. This book is definitely not for those in search of a quick read or wanting pat answers. The first thing Allender does, and nicely done I might add, is stake through the heart all the notions that we have to play nicey-nice for everyone else's comfort and look like a good Christian while facing down our pasts. If anything, he states that this is probably the most damaging thing to push on an abuse survivor, because you can't bury what's alive and expect it not to scream. The cost of "getting along" with someone who has committed one of the greater evils in life against you for the sake of pleasing everyone else is ultimately that of revictimization, greater pain, and a deadening of the soul. In reality this is not a true calling of Christ. Instead it's a way of other Christians to not have to face the discomfort they feel in response to the painful reality that something as horrendous as sexual abuse exists. They don't want to risk losing that warm fuzzy feeling some contemporary Christian experts and authors have rightly come to term "cheap grace." It is artificial in nature and stifles long-term growth. From here, Allender explores how victims are often set up for abuse, most commonly from a vicious cycle created from an unloved, unhappy child receiving attention from a perpetrator zeroing in on a kill. The child, in turn, will do anything for continued attention... setting them up for unwilling compliance to the unspeakable. Sometimes this is reinforced by other family members who cannot or will not understand why their child will suddenly turn cold towards Uncle Fred and chastize her for not minding

"The Wounded Heart" is a classic text on the understanding and treatment of the sexual abuse victim. Dan Allender writes from a foundation of biblical insight, psychological research, and counseling experience. Allender is quick to defend abuse victims and to help them to understand that they were not guilty for their abuse. At the same time, he refuses to leave the victim a victim. Instead, "The Wounded Heart" provides the spiritual diagnostic categories necessary to help victims move to victors by exploring how they may have responded to the abuse in less-than- healthy and less-than-godly ways. He labels these responses "sinful relational styles"--learned, self-protective patterns that victims choose in order to handle life self-sufficiently. Because of Allender's emphasis on sinful relational styles, victims looking for empathy and therapists wanting training in empathic responses may be disappointed. Diane Langberg's "On the Threshold of Hope" and "Counseling Victims of Sexual Abuse" offer more in this area of "sufferology." Still, for biblical insight into the heart issues surrounding sexual abuse, "The Wounded Heart" provides the healing cure. Reviewer: Dr. Robert W. Kellemen is the author of "Soul Physicians: A Theology of Soul Care and Spiritual Direction," "Spiritual Friends: A Methodology of Soul Care and Spiritual Direction," and the forthcoming "Sacred Companions: A History of Soul Care and Spiritual Direction."

And all this time I'd thought that I was "big" enough to rise above the abuse. I became a better person, a better Christian, all under the same umbrella of sexual abuse. His insightful words touched places in my soul that I didn't even know existed. The so-called strengh I'd felt all these years was defense, a mask, to protect what had been damaged so long ago. I'd never been to counseling, but for my children's sake, I began to see a Christian therapist who recommended this book. If you've ever been sexually abused, no matter how insignificant you may think the contact was, you owe it to yourself to read this book. It has literally changed my life. The book, and it's wise words have helped me understand my thought processes, my defense mechanisms, and why I feel so torn and broken inside. This is the first thing that has brought light and clarity into a terrible and wicked past that has wounded me deeply. Most importantly, it shows that even things that I thought I was doing for the right reasons ("because I'm being a good Christian") are sometimes done with wrong motivation (though I didn't know better at the time). I literally thank God for Mr. Allender's book, and recommend it without reservation to victims of sexual abuse and those who love them.

I read The Wounded Heart and its workbook six years ago before I ever became a Christian, never imagining the impact these books would have on my life. Now I conduct Wounded Heart Workbook studies at my church. Dr. Allender understands and is sensitive to the dilemas and pain victims face in adult-hood and offers a sensible real-life approach to healing. While the self discovery always involves pain and grieving, the issues are handled with love and fresh creativity. Each time I go through a study, I uncover deeper levels of understanding my past and greater hope to face the future whole and intact. I've also developed friendships and trust with other victims that I will treasure for all time. We are finding that spouses are now reading the book and joining our studies also, sparking renewed tenderness and communication in stressed marriages. Now I am free to laugh harder, love deeper, and care more. Thank you Dr. Allender!

I am a Christian pastoral counselor and have used both the workbook and book with a number of sexual abuse survivors both male and female.It is an excellent resource for those who want to move out of the "victim" mode. Dan Allender provides the tools to help individuals to live independently of the suffering of past.What makes this material unique is that it can also be used with males. Previously, there has been real lack of usable material for them. But this is no longer the case.The books can be used in both a group setting as well as with individuals, as I have done.Highly recommended!