The Wisdom to Know the Difference: When to Make a Change--And When to Let Go

I will start with a disclaimer: I rarely read self-help books, simply because they strike me either as idiotic or re-packaged versions of the common sense your grandmother would share if you asked her. For this reason, I may have missed out on some very helpful stuff. Fortunately, I did not miss this excellent and thoughtful examination of a very basic human dilemma: When do you take action to try to change a situation, and when do you accept it? Like me, are you a control freak, anxiously and endlessly scheming lest your world (or your kids' worlds) fall apart? And how do you make peace with stuff that's driving you crazy? Or are you a fatalist, giving up before you start because you've 'learned' there's no point in trying to make a difference? Through detailed interviews, Flanagan examines the dynamics of change in the lives of those who have undergone extreme life challenges and come out stronger and better for it. Each person, in his or her own words describes the valuable lessons they've learned, whether of acceptance, or of learning to question old beliefs that no longer serve a productive purpose. Each person also represents a different faith tradition--this is a book written around a prayer, after all--and we learn how individuals learn to discern the leading of the Spirit in their own 'languages', whether Muslim, Christian, or Jewish. The Wisdom to Know the Difference is an entirely hopeful book; its goal is to motivate readers to trust more courageously, to act more boldly, and believe more intelligently. For this reader, it was a success; I can point to several positive changes that have come from reading it twice.

This is an excellent spiritual self-help book. I would recommend it to everyone who is interested.

The book arrived promptly and was in excellent condition, as described. Thanks for your excellent service.

Change is not easy for any of us, and yet it is often in the process of making difficult changes that we learn and grow the most. How do we decide what is the best action to take? How do we find the courage to take action once we figure out what we need to do ? These questions are at the very heart of The Wisdom to Know the Difference. In this wonderful book, Eileen Flanagan has given us an inspiring and beautifully crafted diary of humanity. In these very personal, often heart-wrenching, stories, we learn the universal truth about how we as people make changes-- even in situations where we feel we don't have control. And this is the key. Eileen Flanagan has gone right into the thick of the human condition with all the complexity and messiness and offers her own wisdom along with that of the courageous people she interviewed. In addition she draws from psychology and a variety of spiritual traditions and guides us steadfastly to inspiring conclusions. She illustrates how we can ultimately find serenity by identifying which parts of a problem we can solve, and which parts we must accept. Cognitive psychology has identified this skill-- change what you can-- as essential for buffering one from depression and building a resilient mindset. I highly recommend this inspiring book and suggest that we all keep it nearby whenever we need a push and reminder for how we can live more optimal lives for our own, and the greater good. Tamar Chansky, Ph.D.Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking: Powerful, Practical Strategies to Build a Lifetime of Resilience, Flexibility, and HappinessFreeing Your Child from Anxiety: Powerful, Practical Solutions to Overcome Your Child's Fears, Worries, and Phobias

Eileen Flanagan is a Quaker writer who we're going to hear a whole lot more about in coming years. She's just finding her voice nationally in this book--and what a voice it is! Start reading "The Wisdom to Know the Difference" like I did and you'll find yourself curled up in an easy chair for a few hours--as if a best friend is sitting across from you, sharing a cup of tea and stories about the spiritual challenges we all face in life. Quakers are well known for their spiritual disciplines in discernment and Eileen writes out of that tradition. The final section of her book, for example, describes Quaker clearness committees--and suggests ways these principles might be adapted in our lives. The title of her book comes from the Serenity Prayer, long associated with the 12-step recovery movement. But this is not specifically a 12-step book. If you're looking for a spiritual overview of the 12 steps, I'd recommend Rabbi Rami Shapiro's new Recovery--the Sacred Art: The Twelve Steps As Spiritual Practice (Art of Spiritual Living). This book is about discernment--choosing the next step in turbulent times. "The wisdom to know the difference between what we can and cannot change is central to my definition of a well-lived life," she writes. In the course of under 300 pages, Eileen takes us many places both within the lives of dozens of real men and women--and even to some other parts of our cultural world. Most importantly, she wants us to enlarge our vision of God--and enlarge our hopes for our own lives. She's a humble guide. As a good Quaker, she offers us "Queries" all along the journey, wanting each of us to weigh her assertions and see which ones fit--and which don't. Here's a sample of her wisdom: "It's helpful to remember that Reinhold Niebuhr's version of the Serenity Prayer asks first for 'grace.' Such humility is a step toward serenity, accepting that even when we're paddling as hard as we can, we can't control the ocean. We can only control our own paddle. Likewise, a step toward courage is recognizing that our own paddle matters." The book also is a great choice for small-group conversation, custom made with the starter questions at the end of each section.