Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life

This book helped me immediately to stop obsessing over matters that I could not change and redirected me to a more positive outlook about myself. I absolutely love this book! The thing that helped me the most was a chapter in the book that told me, I was my own worst abuser by re-examining every verbally abusive event that happened to me. Once I realized I was emotionally beating myself up more than the actual event, I quit doing it. There are so many tips in this book that helped me see in a new light and gave me ways to deal with my thoughts and reactions to verbal abuse. I wholeheartedly would recommend this book to anyone in a verbally abusive relationship.

I read this book with some trepidation because of one customer review that accuses the book of being about blaming the victim. After reading it, I believe the book is very helpful, and in no way, shape, or form is it about blaming the victim. It clearly condemns abuse and has many empathic words for those who endure it. It is strongly supportive of the variety of ways that abused partners will choose to address the abuse, leaving, staying, etc. The techniques recommended to address abuse seem excellent as a way to, as it were, immunize oneself against the destructive impact of abuse and empower its victims to take new and constructive approaches that would have been unthinkable before. It in no way implies that there is a "right" or a "privilege" to abuse. In one example in the text, an abused partner working through the issues and her response says that her partner has the "right" to abuse her. But it is clear from the context and the thrust of the book that the intended meaning is, "my partner, as a separate, free moral agent, is free to abuse me if he so chooses, even though it is wrong and destructive, and it is my job to decide how I will respond, since I can't control his choices or his behavior."

I am a male. I bought this book out of general interest, because I like Albert Ellis's books. This book answered one specific question for me. It had been puzzling me for a year and a half. Namely, why on earth did this woman who I cared for, keep rejecting me and going back to her old boyfriend who treated her like garbage, and occasionally struck her? (Answer: Abuse creates strong feelings, which some women mistake for love).I've had occasion to pass this book to a few female friends who I thought needed it, and to one who I knew didn't. The latter, who never takes any rubbish from anybody, found it a fascinating read - as it explained to her behaviour she observed in some men and women.The beginning chapters outline what constitutes verbal abusive behaviour, and gives numerous examples. One of the my female friends stated that it was an eerie experience, reading in point form, almost an exact script of what life with her ex husband had been like for the previous 20 years. My other abused friend said, "Yes it's all true - except for the part about saying sorry - he never said that".I can only draw one conclusion: If you have a niggly feeling that things aren't quite right with either your new Prince Charming, or with the one who used to be Prince Charming - before you married him - you had better read this book. Else you may waste 10 or 20 years on someone who, you will ultimately and grimly be forced to admit to yourself, never actually loved you. He was incapable of it from the beginning.The techniques for dealing with abusive relationships are given in the later chapters. They are standard Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy methods. They won't let you get away with a "Poor me, why did this have to happen to me?" type attitude. Ultimately, you only get the behaviour that you tolerate.If you are one of the unfortunate women stuck in this situation, you can at least take some solace - the book points out that you are not alone. Thousands of women are in a similar situation.

I wouldn't recommend this as a first book to read about verbal abuse. For me, it was a real catalyst for change, but probably would NOT have been if I hadn't a) been in therapy for a while and b)first read a lot of other books, especially books by Cheri Huber, a buddhist teacher with very similar ideas. 100% responsibility for your experience, 100% of the time. I agree, it is hard to swallow the idea that an abuser has the 'right' to abuse, but really it is true, but not in a specific way, like the way that we have a right to free speech. It is broader than that, and I think is intended more to shift your attention away from what the abuser is doing and instead focus on YOURSELF. I can't explain it, but it has to do with the abuser sowing his own seeds. I think this is a very powerful book, but also very easy to misinterpret. Save this one for more advanced recovery work.

It never ceases to amaze me how often any book that encourages targets of abuse to take personal responsibility for ENDING the abuse or getting OUT of the abusive relationship is bashed by followers of Patricia Evans and Lundy Bancroft, and how often any person who encourages targets of abuse to take personal responsibility for ENDING the abuse or getting OUT of the abusive relationship is alluded to as being an "abuser" him or herself (read R. Hollomon's review, in which R. states: "I suspect (The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life) was written BY an abusive man. PLEASE AVOID THIS BOOK!...MUCH BETTER BOOKS exist, including The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond -- by Patricia Evans, and Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men -- by Lundy Bancroft." Noticeably, both The Verbally Abusive Relationship (in particular) and Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men are gender biased books which only focus on abusive relationships in which the man is allegedly the abuser and the woman is a glorified saint! Neither book addresses women who are abusers, or mutually abusive relationships where each party shares the same sick reality at times, or the issues targets often have such as weak boundaries, love addiction, codependency, etc. which contribute to them gravitating toward/attracting/remaining with abusers, so of course anyone in denial about their own abusive attitude and behavior, or other issues similar to the above, and/or who has an anti male mentality will gobble up either of those books and discourage you from reading this one! Tragically enough, however, if there is nothing other than consistent emphasis on blaming the abuser for all of life's woes, and endless sympathy for targets of abuse, this can result in stagnation for many such targets; they can become stuck in a place where they incessantly complain about being abused but do nothing about it, or they can even become abusive themselves supposedly in self-defense (translation: retaliation) to being abused but vehemently deny they are being abusive too. In which case, a resource such as this book by Albert Ellis actually teaches targets how to DO something about being abused (and without becoming abusive back either!). The most effective methods in which to prevent abuse in one's life are: know how to develop a healthy self-esteem, know how to recognize the red flag warnings of abusive behavior, know how to set firm boundaries, know how to remain sufficiently independent even within a relationship, and know how to take personal responsibility for putting an end to abuse or getting yourself out of any abusive relationship. The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life contains the pervasive message that one does not HAVE to be a target of abuse, and includes concrete steps one can take in order to