The Search to Belong: Rethinking Intimacy, Community, and Small Groups

This book has given meaning and a new understanding to what I experienced in my neighborhood as a child. On summer nights, people lounged the remainder of their day away on their front porches. Others who were taking a walk would stop and linger for conversation. Conversations tended to be light hearted, but sometimes burdens were shared. I loved my neighborhood because I belonged to it. Certain adults knew my name- or at least who I belonged to: "your Bob Klug's son". They talked to me like I mattered and told on me because I mattered. After college I returned to the city. I got to know my neighbors again. When my (parked) car was hit by a drunk driver, three of my neighbors hopped in their cars and chased him. Why did these men take such a risk? I made conversation with them on the side walk, but I did not have a deep or personal relationship with any of them. I think the reason these men were willing to pursue the drunk driver was because we belonged to each other. We knew it could be a dangerous world out there, so we watched out for each other. Through the years, my focus became so small group oriented that somehow I lost the importance of "front porch" communities. This book convincingly makes the case that people have a need to belong in "four spaces": 1) public; 2) social; 3) personal and 4) intimate. At the public and social levels, community "belonging" has fewer expectations and is experienced more easily, but not with as much meaning or spiritual benefit. Though people long for deeper community, many are afraid of it at the same time. We need to give people space, a place where they are comfortable connecting. These large group "spaces" are significant to an effective discipleship strategy when they serve to lead people into "one another" relationships. Jesus had His "Sons of Thunder", twelve, "followers", parties and the multitude. Yet it is clear to me that His focus was on a small group of men... Once people have a sense of belonging to our church, it is more likely that they will walk with us into deeper levels of community. We need to let them taste the sweetness of biblical community. If we keep them connected, with well laid plans and by the power of God we can lead more people to a small group.

My family spends a week each year in a quaint old farmhouse with no television. "Quaint" and "TV" don't really fit. I always bring a variety of books just in case one of them ends up being a dud. This year I brought a John Grisham novel (it doesn't matter which one--they're all the same); In Love and War by James and Sybil Stockdale (Jim Collins just mentioned it one too many times); and The Search to Belong by Joseph Myers (which is on Carl George's nightstand). Joe Myers' book was the first book of the week. I enjoyed his writing style, well, until I actually began to pay attention to what he was saying. Then, it just made me mad. In mid-paragraph I would stop reading to myself and begin to read the book aloud to my wife. "Listen to this guy: Joe Myers says, 'A church of small groups? Sounded like forced relational hell to me'" (page 10). "Exactly," my wife responded. "You, you can't say that. I'm the Small Groups Pastor. You can't say that." This was a matter of job security. The last thing I needed was bad P.R. from my co-leader and spouse. I continued to read much like I watch Christian television or slow to see the wreckage of a car accident. With each page turn I anticipated that this guy would finally hang himself. What exactly was he getting at? What was his agenda? Did he envision the church as some sort of YMCA-like gathering place where belonging overshadowed belief? The more I read, the more irritated I became. Jesus didn't commission us to go into the world and connect people. Yet, Joe Myers so much as invalidated "fully-devoted followers." What about Acts 2:42?!! Just as I was about to write Joe off as one more neo- orthodox, emergent guru, something began to resonate in my thinking. Up to this point, I looked at our congregation and saw many disconnected people who needed to be in a small group. But, when we asked our members to take the Purpose-Driven Health Assessment, we were somewhat baffled by the results. You see the people who were in small groups and the people who were not in small groups rated themselves most highly in the same two categories: Worship and Connectedness. I thought, "Boy, we're going to have to re-educate our people on what it means to be connected. These people think they're connected, but they're not even in a small group. They don't even know what Connectedness means." This book that I loved to hate gave me a key insight: Everyone in our congregation WAS already connected. Maybe not to each other, but they were all connected to somebody: a family, friends, co- workers, neighbors, and other church members. My job changed with one epiphany: I no longer needed to connect the unconnected. I just needed to invited folks to do a 6-week DVD-based Bible study with people they were already connected to. How simple is that? I'm pleased to say that in our Fall campaign this year, just over 1/3 of our groups were formed exactly this way. Each week a group of friends, co- workers or neighbors are gat

(...). . . this book really did help me navigate how people connect in community, he specifically drills into the aspects of community as a public space, a social space, a personal space and as an intimate space. and he points out that each has different strengths and he doesn't suck you into the `intimate space is the best and other spaces are subordinate' logic which was really refreshing!. . . myers comments helped deconstruct the real nuances of christian community . . . we have all been to more small group seminars, labs, and evening training sessions at church than we care to admit and we have consistently heard that the right small group programs will grow the church, create discipled Christ followers, and return us to nt model of chrn'ity, yet statically the most `successful' small group churches in america only experience about a 30% penetration rate . . . why is that if this is as good as it is promised? we wouldn't have to `advertise and push people into groups they would run to them . . . PEOPLE NATURALLY CRAVE COMMUNITY BUT ON THEIR TERMS NOT OURS . . . the bottom line is that people can feel a substantial level of belonging to a church on many different levels and not be in a small group, he is really on to something in the chapter that talks about the american culture's push off from the "front porch" and the churches need to find neutral ground (like starbucks has) to interact with others in the in-between space of social and neighborly friendships something in between out in public space, but also not in my home because that is often too intimate. this whole idea of how people belong is talented thought . . . this book quickly became a member of my top 10 favorite books . . . do yourself the favor buy the book!!

I've been to countless seminars and read probably dozens of books on small group ministry. For the past couple of decades, we have consistently heard that the right small group programs will grow our church, create fully-devoted Christ-followers, ease the burden on pastors, return us to New Testament Christianity, etc. I've spoken loudly to that effect myself.Yet as I have tried to implement them, I've found that either it doesn't work as well as advertised or there must be something wrong with me. Sure, there have been many people helped through small groups, but the small groups have also been accompanied by frustrations. Balancing fellowship-vs-study/accountability is always difficult; many people just aren't ready for that level of intimacy and accountability; and it usually isn't the ideal next-step for newcomers. On the other hand, the relationships built there are often very important to people. But now there's a fresh answer to help make some sense of it all.Joseph Myers' "The Search to Belong" is a timely and refreshing look at what community really is. He explodes some of the myths of belonging that we have often believed. He helps us see, through research and experience, the four different "spaces" of belonging--public, social, personal, and intimate. What's more, he helps us see the value of each space, how relationships are carried on in each space, and how to balance them. Bottom line, people can feel a substantial level of belonging to a church on many different levels. Understanding people's genuine community needs, and working with it and affirming it will get us a lot farther than trying to fit everyone into the "intimacy" mold.Myers has an inspiring chapter on "Searching for a Front Porch" in which he challenges us to find ways to interact with others in the in-between land of social, neighborly friendships--not "out there" in the public world, but also not "in here" in my private home. The book is probably worth it just for that chapter.Not only are the principles in "The Search to Belong" applicable to church leadership, but understanding the four spaces of belonging goes a long way toward understanding our other relationships--in our marriage and family, neighborhood, work, etc. Good stuff; worth the read.

I don't know why I read this book. I have always been suspicious of books on intimacy. And this looked like another small group book. Small group books suck. This book is different. Myers helps us navigate how people connect to a community, be it in public space, social space, personal space or intimate space. Each space has different strengths. Myers doesn't say--intimate space is the best and other spaces are subordinate and introductory to it.Rather he holds up each space as valid and available for people to experience real connection to your community. It is nice to hear of someone talk about community without seeing the pyramid which declares the highest expression of community is the small group. There are simply other ways that people really belong.This is helpful to me, having been a small group member and leader who brought certain expectations to the group (i.e. wanting to move to real group commitment and intamcy) but failed to see how people were enjoying social space and making significant connections without my poking prodding and manipulating them into giving something of themselves they didn't want to give to me or the group. If you understand the space that people want to connect in, you can adjust your approach to make connection meaningful for them without denigrating the way they really want to connect to your church.Myers vision brings nuances to the concept of Christian community. It is reductionist to simply speak of small groups, or public worship. If people relate in 4 spaces, our responsibility as a church is create an environment which allows people to optimally connect in each of the four spaces. Bloody Brillant stuff.