The Marriage Makeover: Finding Happiness in Imperfect Harmony

"While nothing prepares us for what marriage is going to be like, the same can be said of divorce with children." ~ Joshua Coleman How do you let go of your fairy-tale idea of marriage, maintain harmony and also take care of your children in a nurturing environment...when you no longer feel "in love" with your partner? This brings out a variety of complex issues that create waves of emotional response even for those who have yet to consider their options. When you decide to enter into a long-term relationship, you may not be aware of the challenges ahead. "..the heady phase of newfound romance doesn't last, and that's often a disappointment, no matter how seasoned we are in relationships. It's disheartening because it means that we have to either break up or start dealing with our expectations of what a real relationship is going to be like with this person. This means moving into the uncomfortable realm of facing the imperfections of our partner and ourselves." In the throws of initial infatuation and limerence, the future seems perfectly ordered and you can't imagine ever wanting to be apart from the person you imagine is your soul mate. Then the chemicals wear off and you start to experience the roller coaster ride of marriage that has highs and lows and various stages where we enter challenges that require personal growth. This is the time where either your heart takes over or your mind kicks into high gear and you start to solve problems with creative flair or a determination to save your marriage "no matter what." Joshua Coleman provides a wise and compassionate view of marriage. He understands the dangers the dissolution of the family presents. He understands how parents worry about their children when they are away from home and why providing a caring and nurturing environment is better for the long-term emotional stability of children. As parents move through stages of denial, anger and bargaining they may come to a moment of acceptance and then find the required compassion to forgive and then move forward into a new stage of the relationship. If you think your childhood is affecting your marriage, there is an entire chapter on the subject. Being neglected as a child is just as painful as being abused and the affects can later appear in your own marriage. This book sheds light on how the neglect or abuse causes you to react in your own marriage and how this can affect your children. With each problem, there is also a solution. The "Path for Change" sections give ideas for how to adapt or reverse situations that are completely in your control. This book will also help you understand why criticism can seem to be an act of betrayal or why self-destructive behaviors can be an attempt to manage fear. This chapter is especially interesting as it explains problems in a marriage from a perspective I had never considered. "If your parent was depressed or neglectful, there might have been a reversal of roles. Rather than having the exp

As a pastor, I have read many books on the subject of helping marriages because that is an important part of my ministry. However, this is the most radical, realistic and useful book I have ever seen. It is applicable not only to the average marriage but also to the more challenging ones like depression, personality disorders, alcoholism, and addictions. I am very disappointed with many Christian authors of books on marriage who are so unreal and with many authors of books for family members of the mentally ill who don't say enough. Here is a book I can use in counseling others After 10 years of marriage, a man's wife was diagnosed as a high functioning person with borderline personality disorder. Afterwards, she did not function on the same level as before. For three and a half years, her husband did about everything Dr. Coleman says not to do in his chapter on depression in marriage. As a result, he ended up depressed himself after giving too much of himself away trying to hold the family together. With the help of therapists and reading books like Imperfect Harmony, Wild at Heart, and No More Mr. Nice Guy, he found help to grow a long way from where he was a year and a half ago. Marriage to anyone with a mental illness or addiction is under extreme pressure. Staying married for the children's sake and still be happy or wondering if you should stay married in such an imperfect harmony is the theme of this book. Coleman writes of the various parts of a hoped for marriage that must be let go of. He writes about getting your focus off the spouse and onto what in your childhood attracted you to such a needy person. The author's definition of "toxic chemistry" is a helpful insight.He challenges readers to work through their toxic brooding, despair, and chronic feelings of resentment. Then we can develop empathy and emotional seperatedness. It is crucial to answer his question from chapter 3. How much meaning do you have in your life apart from your marriage? Contrary to many other authors, he says that communication is not enough. Just because one has imperfect harmony in one's marriage does not mean you should leave. He proposes good reasons for staying married with children present, even if your spouse is difficult or not fulfilling. Staying in such a marriage need not destroy you to be loved by them. However, he honestly states that in the case of physical abuse and extreme mental health issues the need to leave is very clear. The major intent of this book is to help readers to see if it possible and necessary to stay in an imperfect harmony with one?s spouse without loosing themselves or their good impact as parents. His chapters on "Depression in Marriage", "The High-Conflict Marriage," and "Is Change Possible" are worth the price of the whole book. One cannot and must not read this book at supersonic speed. It is a rich book to read, reflect upon, and dwell upon its searching questions. Reading it in conjunction with one's therapist will bring

Dr. Coleman's work is surely to raise an eyebrow or two for its novel approach to resolving marital discord and dissatisfaction. His premise that the adults in the relationship should work for a rapproachment (if total peace is not possible) for the sake of the children will not be popular in a culture where no-fault divorce is the preferred solution. What I love about this book is the way Dr. Coleman approaches marriage; realistically. You may have started out with what you felt was a "match made in heaven," or you may have been under an illusion that yours was a match made in heaven, but when things look like they are going south, this does not mean you bail. Can you accept half a loaf (half a loaf is better than none)? How about a quarter or even an eighth of a loaf to ensure that your child's life is disrupted as little as possible? After all, it is all about the kids. This book has a number of vignettes where Dr. Coleman is working with clients to change their expectations, or at the least help them to establish realistic expectations. He even goes so far to instruct partners how to live separate lives within their own home if getting along is no longer an option. Imperfect Harmony takes a look at marriage unlike any book I have ever read on the subject. Sometimes things happen and things don't work out, but this is not to mean that everyone (especially the children) cannot live happily ever after. If your marriage is in trouble, if you know someone with marital problems, or if you are interested in the topic of marriage as a counseling profession, this is a wonderful book to have. As a soon-to-be counselor I can actually envision myself using this book in couples and family therapy; assigning parts of the book for the clients to read for discussion in therapy. Five plus stars for Imperfect Harmony.

We have been married for twenty-seven years. Although our children are no longer at home, my husband and I were inspired by Dr. Coleman's book. We thought an alternative title could have been "How to Have a Satisfying Marriage". He recommends taking responsibility for one's own life and not looking to a partner for completion. Although a great read, Dr. Coleman's scholarly work draws on the research of anthropologists, psychologists and scientists. This is a book for all those who wish to be fulfilled in their own lives. We give this book two thumbs up!

I am not a fan of self-help books. Most of my clients find them difficult to read with a straight face and even more difficult to implement the "wisdom" they contain. This book is not one of those books.As a Marriage and Family Therapist and educator, I have to say that this book is the one book I've been waiting for since beginning to do therapy with couples and families. Coleman takes an unblinking and compassionate look at just what it takes for couples to begin to look at the difficult issues that often accompany a now rather predictable phase of marriage: the point where one thinks, "If it weren't for the kids, I'd be gone!"In close to a decade of seeing couples joined by marriage and long-term (non-marital) commitment, I have yet to see a couple that did not reach a point where they questioned whether the marriage was indeed still viable. Typically couples come into therapy much too late to successful address their concerns past this painful point. With this volume, the therapeutic community as well as the rest of us struggling with relationships has an intelligent, practical response. Coleman begins his book by acknowledging that as a society we've placed a heavy burden on the institution of marriage; we'd do best to consider the axiom that marriage or long-term commitment is and should be the answer to our deep wishes for the alleviation of loneliness or as the answer for a lifetime of excitement and fun. "Marriages," Coleman writes, "...are affected by the outdated memories of our parents' examples as husbands and wives, mothers and fathers [but] our expectations have to be tempered by understanding what's reasonable to expect from any marriage. Part of my goal is to give you tools to determine whether you should keep pushing for change, stay and accept it for what it is, or get out."And Coleman delivers on what he promises. He gives us a step-by-step (but not formulaic) way of understand the issues that drive our marriages apart and truly help us look at whether it is possible to stay and still feel like we haven't compromised our sense of self, values and principles. The book is not just about having an intellectual understanding about the things that drive us apart. This volume is filled with strategies for addressing the issues, and neatly divided into sections that examine the "Effect on the Marriage," e.g., with depression, and specific "Paths for Change" i.e., what to do about THAT specific problem.His focus is in the right place, as well--how to work through the difficult feelings of hopelessness that accompany a relationship crisis while at the same time protecting our children from what is most unsatisfying and difficult in that relationship. He doesn't shy from tackling the issues at the heart of most relationship difficulties-past trauma and how it impacts the couple; the insidious effects of depression; differences in sexual desire/the challenges of affairs; and emotional and physical abuse and violence. The book