The Marriage Builder: A Blueprint for Couples and Counselors

"The Marriage Builder" by Dr. Larry Crabb has become something of a classic in the genre of Christian books on husband-wife relationships. In it, Crabb highlights three relational areas: the couple's spiritual relationship to God, their social/soul relationship to one another, and their physical relationship to each other. When dealt with properly, and in priority order, Crabb asserts that relationships will be healthy (not necessarily happy, since that is not God's goal nor guarantee for life this side of heaven). Discussing the spiritual relationship, Crabb explains that when God cleanses sin through salvation, His grace simultaneous quenches the deepest thirsts in the human soul. Rather than beings some new-age mantra as some claim when they critique Crabb, the concept of longings, desires, thirsts, and hunger is both biblical and historical (church history). The Trinitarian God of the Bible created humanity in His relational image. Since human beings are finite, they will always long for the infinite--for God's infinite holy love. Once a husband and wife have come to understand that all they need is God and what He chooses to provide, Crabb notes that then they can quit the old "tic on a dog" relationship of mutual manipulation. Instead, they can begin a relationship of mutual ministry. In this area, Crabb explores God's essential design for the masculine and feminine soul. He posits that males have a deep social longing for respect, which coincides with Paul's teaching in Ephesians 5. Crabb also explains that females have a deep social longing for intimacy, also correlating with Paul's teaching in Ephesians 5. As couples learn to drink fully from the God of the universe and to serve one another "heapin' helpins'" of respect and intimacy, then they are prepared to experience body oneness (not simply fun sex). One in their walk with God, one in their relationship with each other, now they move toward physical oneness. "The Marriage Builder" is a classic because it remains true to God's classic teaching on relationships. We are spiritual beings designed to worship God; we are social beings designed to mutually minister to and intimately connect with one another; and we are physical beings, designed in the state of marital matrimony, to experience body oneness. Reviewer: Bob Kellemen, Ph.D., is the author of "Soul Physicians," "Spiritual Friends," and the forthcoming, "Beyond the Suffering: The Story of African American Soul Care and Spiritual Direction."

I read the book before I got married as homework. And I got a lot of answers from it. This book teaches you the basic; the definition of marriage in Christ. In our society, marriage does not sound sincere and serious. But this book fixed my distorted view of marriage. I strongly recommend this book for those engaged. Because you need to know why you marry as a Christian and how you are going to do it.

I would sum up the message of this book with the words from a prayer my father taught me as a child,"... It is in giving that we receive...". There are many books which claim to be able to help your marriage. Some advise demanding your rights, while others give tips on how to manipulate your mate to change. The Marriage Builder teaches the Philippian 2:3 approach, "Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves. . Having read several books on this subject over the years, I've found this to be the very best! If you want to remain self-centered,(a major marriage destroyer), this book is definitely not for you!

We have just completed a study with another couple using Dr. Crabb's book, that has spanned more than 5 months, and we will be starting over again in a couple of months. This time however, we will be including several other couples because it is too good to not share it. This is truly a manual for a biblical marriage, whether newly-married, or married for a lifetime. Dr. Crabb describes our self-centerdness so accurately, and gives such realistic examples of the pitfalls we find ourselves trapped in. Fortunately he also gives examples of how to avoid common mistakes. His description of marriage as our chance to minister exclusively to our spouses and provide tangible evidence of God's love to each other is accurate and helpful. On many occassions I wondered if he had written this book especially to me. We have been blessed by this book and find it difficult not to recommed it repeatedly.

Although I have not read the book in its entirety, quotes from Larry's book are used extensively in my Promise Keeper's study, and we all agree that he is the one writer who consistently causes us to pause and reflect...and most often to change the way we view and treat our wives.