The Marriage Bargain: The Surprising Rewards of Staying Together

At a time when divorce seems to be a popular option to solving marriage difficulties, along comes this crazy shrink with the audacious notion that people might consider investing in their marriage, that significant personal growth can be accomplished through long lasting and committed relationships, and, well, you get the idea. You know what they say. Shrinks are the craziest of all. Ok. I have to be honest. I was prepared to be preached to...and I was expecting to dislike this book. Instead, I loved it. First, I respect and share the author's point view that "We live in a culture that promises us Teflon-smooth lives lived with a minimum of hardship and a maximum of gratification." Of course things never go this way and when the inevitable happens who do we blame? "Everyone is a possible target, but perhaps the closest and easiest bull's-eye can be found stitched onto the backs of our intimate partners." And all this, of course, creates a major obstacle to both personal and relationship growth. So the author provides us with some cogent insight on coping with this pervasive characteristic of our somewhat decadent culture. Second, he has provided his insight not by preaching or lecturing but by artfully allowing the reader to experience (eavesdrop on?) the challenges and traumas of his (fictional) patients. He used a similar approach in his other book, The Good Father, but I felt the technique was even more effective this time around. The "characters," fictional couples that I presume are an amalgamation of his own experience, are all grappling with some form of marital challenge that is directly related to the point of that chapter. The characters are arresting and vivid. I particularly liked the couple he uses to set up his chapter entitled "Have Real Sex," who complain that, "there's a big party going on out there, and we didn't get invited," as they try to justify the seemingly new sexual landscape (is it any different than the "free love" 70's?) with their respect for marital fidelity. He includes a broad array of vignettes, and most readers are sure to find some of themselves in many of them. Third, I like his central message-that our relationships can and will change us for the better if we're willing to take the risk, and that he provides a concise roadmap to help us get there. Finally, I like his tone of voice. It is real, direct, even blunt and effective in delivering the message that this work is not easy. "Change and growth demand that we let go of our most reliable solutions(which often means giving up our habits and addictions), and that we tolerate the very fears, feelings and injuries that we most want to avoid." And there is the hope of this book that if we do so, "if we agree not to retreat into our familiar safety zones, we can, together, reverse our natural tendency to get smaller as we get older." The words are well chosen. They have that deep resonance that comes when someone is telling you the hard

this is a fine book and a good read. the author is clinically savvy and writes beautifully. Not only does he make a compelling case for the ripening of a relationship and the accompanying relational and erotic unfolding, but he also introduces reality into that most complex of phenomena--marriage

I loved this book. One of my favorite pieces of advice is "celebrate your differences." To me, this was a real mind opener: you don't have to turn him/her into a clone of yourself; differences are okay and even enriching; improving a bad pattern is more a matter of modeling something better than trying to change your partner. Another great recommendation is "have real sex"--messy, funny, human sex that's a piece of the conversation rather than some specialized performance or ritual. O'Connell's stories of people's most intimate moments are a great antidote to the airbrushed images we see all the time, where everybody's young and a sexual athlete. The idea that we can grow older and still be on an adventure, still play and learn and discover new things, all inside our long-term marriages, is happy news for baby boomers. And we get great stories of real people in their 40s, 50s, 60s, involved in real struggles, who find real solutions and joy while staying together. This book is a must-read for anyone working on the most important relationship they will ever have.