The Grief Club: The Secret to Getting Through All Kinds of Change

I was walking through my local bookstore when my eyes caught sight of this book. The title drew me in, as I am grieving the death of my brother. I saw the author and thought, "Oh, no - not that Codependency woman..." Melody Beattie - who was the first author I ever knew to use the term "Co-Dependent" a term that had come for many to mean "whiney person who thinks of himself/herself as a victim of everyone and everything." I decided I would give it a "cup of coffee" dry run, to see if my assessment was correct... or not. I am pleased to announce that my assessment was exceptionally far off and this book is a resource that belongs on bookshelves across the country, since Grief is something we will all touch and the majority of us are less than well equipped to manage. I remembered as I opened the book I had wondered where Beattie went, as I remember the early 90's and the plethora of Codependency titles I saw springing up and then... I couldn't really remember hearing of her since then. It only took a moment to see why. Her son had died at age 12. How had I not known this, I wondered? She wrote about this major loss with candor and frankness, without glossy coating. This is the way she tackles all the losses she discusses in the book - both her own losses and the losses of other subjects in the book. In the back of the book there is a Master list of losses which is very helpful as an initial assessment and an ongoing tool as you read (actually, work through) the book. Each chapter includes activities to further integrate the material presented. This is a book I will revisit right away, and then I will most likely revisit it. And I will recommend it to people regularly. It's a club none of use would choose to belong to, yet with this book as a guide, it will feel that much more "normal."

Subtitled: The Secret to Getting Through All Kinds of Change The New York Times best-selling author of Co-Dependent No More has lived through many crises: becoming sober, living with an alcoholic, losing her son to an accident, getting Hepatitis C, having chronic back problems--and many other losses. So she isn't writing this from a "professional or clinical viewpoint." "Welcome to the club," someone might say to you (or at least think it) when you have something happen to you they have already experienced. You may see your life in the chapters on death, Alzheimer's, suicide, divorce, job loss, childhood grief, alcoholism, empty nest, and much more. "Did I do something to tick God off--so that I got to join one of those clubs," we might wonder. Beattie says, whether we believe it or not, life hasn't signaled us out for tragedy, and depersonalizing a loss helps us detach and lessen the pain. You won't catch trauma from a person grieving or in pain--and much of her book is about seeking and offering help to those who are hurting--one-on-one or as part of a support group. The other day a woman told me her mother died seven week ago and now her friends are ready for her to be back to her old self. Obviously they are not a member of that club yet--or they'd be more understanding. Relative to grief, Bettie said, you either pay now or you pay later, and she said, "Once I cried for eight years." She explains radical faith (vs. simple faith: If I am good, only good thing will happen to me). Radical faith means you can be good and still bad things will happen to you--and it's nobody's fault. Every chapter ended with statistics, such as 2.5 million Americans die every year, and of that, 45-50,000 are under 25. Well worth your read because everyone will join some kind of "loss" club--whether you want to or not. Armchair Interviews says: Highly recommend to anyone going through grief, pain or loss--and those who want to understand better.

Reviewed by Shannon Bailes for Reader Views (9/06) I thoroughly enjoyed this book as it enlightened me to the fact that our lives are full of grief, we just might not see it that way. The chapter I most related with was the one entitled "Remembering Changes: Facing Alzheimer's Disease." My father died from complications of this disease almost 11 years ago, and I could really relate to all that was written in this chapter. It is always good to read or hear about someone else's journey through this dark tunnel where there are so many unknowns. Another chapter that moved me was entitled "Time Changes: Empty Nest and Other Rites of Passage." While we are not yet there completely, in less than two years the last of our four sons will leave our happy, little nest, and even now I grieve about that passage. Throughout the book, Beattie is solid in bringing out the best of all grief situations in our lives. Her writing shows that even through the worst situations, there is hope in everything, if you choose to find it. In almost every chapter we read about a seemingly lost and hopeless circumstance, but by the end of the chapter, we feel that the voyage you are on does not have to consume you, it can make you better and stronger. I particularly enjoyed the statistics at the end of each chapter. All are enlightening, and added support to the reading of this book. I would recommend "The Grief Club" to any person that I know, especially those who are struggling with a grief issue in their life. It is an uplifting, sometimes heart-wrenching expression of what life really brings--hardships and joys. The majority of life is filled with joy for most of us. We find while reading, that some have dark clouds and are not so fortunate. More importantly, we find between the cover of this book, that at times the only thing you have to grab onto is hope. Look for it--it is there!

They say that the teacher appears when the student is ready, and this again is true for me with Melody's latest. This is Melody at her finest. I have never been let down or disappointed in any of her books. Her sharing of experience, strength and hope has allowed me to understand myself and my experiences better. I was guided to this book at a time when I have been stuggling with my own health issues and accepting them. I am no longer in Chicago and have moved to So CA to which has been my dream for many years .. I have found out as she says on Page 110 - "Having our dreams come true is rarely what we expect. Dreams should come with with labels: Caution. Unexpected territory ahead". That one line gave all my recent feelings and emotions validation. She gives examples that are real, easy to relate to and will touch your heart and soul. I met Melody several years ago in Chicago at Transitions bookstore, I brought my dog eared, highlighted and written in the margins copy of The Language of Letting Go .. I charish my book all the more now that she signed it. Melody is a gift to this world.. I honor her wisdom and appreciate all that her work has done for the recovery community. Keep up the good work. We love you!!

I cried through the first chapter. The next morning I felt like I came out of a dark place into the light. I felt whole again. This book is a work of art. Melody takes you through real tragedies, brings you to a full understanding and then enlightens you on good ways to deal with them. Melody also elaborates on HCV and getting past the cold, heartless scorn which dominates so many afflicted by the virus. A must read for us all, including all of us touched by Hep c. Lloyd Wright