The Government Manual for New Pirates

Finally the government issues a document for all displaced individuals needing to retool after the last financial crisis! Perhaps ye thought yer ship has sailed, but never worry me hearties! This step-by-step guide will prepare you for current employment realities! Time and tide wait for no man!

In the third outing of the Government Manual to New (Superheroes, Wizards, Pirates) we learn how to be... well a new pirate. You'll learn many things like how to dress, amount of rum you need, picking out a crew, rum, selecting a ship, parrots, the proper conjugating of verbs, rum, naming your ship, where to find treasure, where to hang out as a pirate, and where to find rum. Do not be distracted by movies involving undead monkeys or bursting into random songs. Pirates sing chanteys not songs. Of particular use are the charts on verb conjugating, how to make up your own swearing phrase, pirate to Yiddish dictionary, and hot spots in Tortuga to find your rum. You also get useful tips on what you should do if you are tagged with the black spot from a pirate, the use of parley, and of course rum filled wenchery fun. Great addition to the Gov't Manual series by these two. I'm eagerly awaiting more. Remember, pirates are found at places like Cockroach Island, not Rainbow Pony Cove. And beware of Cuthbert St Cadbury.

Have you, too, "always had a lub/hate relationship with land"? Looking for a reliable listing of the best shops and restaurants on Tortuga, or the best and worst names for your ship? Wondering just how necessary the beard and eye patch are, really? If you're looking for an authentic guide to pirates, don't waste your money on loud, garish, plotless pirate movies that leave you feeling dizzy and unfulfilled; TGMNP is a *far*, *far*, farrrrrr better use of your time and money! It is cleverly written in easy-to-read Piratese, guffaw-inducing until the last page, and more importantly, chock full 'o helpful advice. For example, it served as inspiration for my new pirate a cappella group, Treble on the High C's... I also particularly enjoyed the Pirate/Yiddish dictionary and Pirate Cursing cheatsheet - A billion blisterin' barnacles on a blasted blue bialy to anyone who doesn't have the good sense to buy this book!

Hilarious up until the final plank-walk. I don't know how much rum these guys consumed, but this was a crazy, rollicking, and surprisingly informative tour through every nook and cranny of piratiana, real and imagined.

The GMNP is not for the faint of heart, real pirates, or ninjas. It cannot be described as a book about boy meets girl; girl rejects boy; boy makes girl walk plank. It can be described as the 'everything you need to know about pirates but were afraid to ask' so instead you talked loudly about your mom-in-law dying and awkwardly that very thing happened a few days later.