The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts

I have read 10-15 books relating to marriage preparation and making sure one is ready to pick and BE a good spouse. This was by far the best. The author reassured me that people who grew up with unhappy childhoods & unhappy parents have as good a chance at a happy marriage as others. It also made me aware of many issues these couples had that I had not considered. This book prompted me to think about what I want from my future husband as a type of marriage, as an emotional partner, as a parental partner etc. MUST READ! I also highly recommend "What you Need to know before you fall in Love" as a good gut check of what is normal in a relationship and what isn't, what areas you need to check on (do you have a meeting of the minds spiritually, financially, intellectually etc), and it has a great chapter on warning signs (are you dating this person to impress your boss, annoy your parents, or get revenge on an ex?). I highly recommend Harville Hendrix's Book "How to Find the Love you Want" for a more in depth look at how our childhood affects our need for love and influences our search for the source of that love.

The authors bring a rather unusual perspective to the study of marriage -- rather than examining how it has failed or is failing, they examine how marriage can succeed. The book provides a commendable example of a study focusing on success instead of failure. The authors first define a successful marriage, then discuss nine principles common to any good marriage and use several couples as case studies to illustrate and personalize these principles. The book uses a rather small, homogenous, and politically incorrect sample -- nearly all couples were selected by the authors and were lily-white, heterosexual, reasonably honest and cheerful Americans. Of course, many ground-breaking and valid scientific studies have successfully used such small, homogenous and politically incorrect cohorts. The book is not a cross-cultural study, an historical analysis, or a "how-to" guide for "making marriage work," and those whose marriages are in trouble may not find this book much of a substitute for self-analysis or competent counseling.Since history began, in nearly all societies, marriage has successfully survived despite never-ending pressures from those who have sought to abolish, revolutionize, over-idealize, or trivialize it. Marriage has proven flexible, durable, and critically important to individuals and to societies. Nevertheless, individuals and societies should frequently re-examine and re-explore marriage if they are to gain the most benefits from it -- marriage and success are verbs as well as nouns. Marriage and the family certainly need attentive examination today, since they remain under tremendous stresses from those who wish to change (or destroy) them and from forces causing them to fail at an increasing rate.The authors have given us a fine example of such an examination. They write remarkably well (no surprise, given Ms Blakeslee's wonderful columns in the NY Times Science Section, which first drew me to this book). They relate how marriage can be enriching, empowering, dynamic, transformative, redemptive, and positive (I found myself cheering on one of the subjects whose marriage succeeded despite enormous psychological problems dating from his childhood). As the husband of a wife whose parents had a successful marriage, as the child of a successful marriage, and as a member of a thirty-three year old successful marriage, I found the principles outlined in this book to be reasonably accurate and helpful. No book could be the last word, but this one is a fine place to start.

I strongly recommend this book to single people wondering what kind of mate would really be best for them. Ignore those dating manuals and read about the real thing -- the day-to-day relationship that has to be maintained after the wedding. As a woman, I found it fascinating to read so many men's accounts of marriage: how much they love and need their wives, how much a good relationship means to them. Most of us grew up thinking of blissful romance as the only model for marriage, but Wallerstein carefully shows that marriages take many forms. I can't recommend this book highly enough.

When we came upon this book, both my husband and I were in the middle of painful, long, stretched-out divorces. We made the decision to read the book together, yet independently. It was one of the best decisions we ever made. The insights gained from these pages literally pulled us through some very trying times. We both absolutely loved it! Judith Wallerstein is a wise, compassionate woman. After reading the book, both my husband and I understood (too late, unfortunately) why our first marriages hadn't worked out. Neither one of our marriages had the romantic component.We've been together now for 6 years, and ours is definitely the "romance" marriage. What a difference! This is our second marriage for both of us, but we are determined to succeed this time. So far, excellent! We highly recommend this book to anyone considering marriage. It is important for any young couple to become aware of the consequences of not properly separating from their family of origin. A couple needs to form a new family unit without undue interference from parents. We feel that what the book shows best is that the success of a couple's relationship has more to do with how strong a "we" they form than any other factor. Neither my husband nor I had a strong "we" in our first marriage. We also both had lousy sex lives. It was reassuring to realize that other happy couples felt that sex within a loving marital relationship is the best sex there is. We agree.

I think the best thing I got out of this book was the notion that happy marriages are not the exclusive domain of people who had happy, carefree childhoods. Wallerstein's message that the love two people experience in a marriage can be a healing, transforming love was a very hopeful message for those who come from broken and/or abusive homes. I also thought the characteristics of a happy marriage were nicely elucidated by the stories of the real-life couples, their good times, trials and tribulations.