The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life

If you have a boss, friend, or relative that always seems to make you feel "bad," even though you try and try and bend over backwards to understand them and their viewpoint but they treat you even worse, read this book! If you cannot say anything right, if you don't apologize enough, if you aren't perfect enough, read this book! If you are "in denial" because you don't agree with how someone else (the gaslighter) sees you, read this book. If you are constantly trying to figure out the "why" of their behavior, read this book. It answers so many questions. It helps you to see that you are a person of value. It also explains how this relationship occurs, and how to end it, or, if you choose, to live with it. I wish that this book had been available a few years ago, it would have saved me a lot of tears and heartache. It has helped me to come to peace with myself and to not blame myself for something that wasn't my fault. Reading this book for the third time, I believe that I won't be caught up in a relationship like that again. Gaslighters are abusers (see also the work of Patricia Evans), and you don't have to take it anymore! I highly recommend this book...it could save you years of therapy and save you thousands of dollars!

Dr. Stern clearly illustrates how over time, a person's sense of self-worth can be invalidated and the person's perspective and sense of bearings nulled. It is difficult enough to respond when one is caught off-balance by a loud-mouth bully, a cut-you-downer invalidator or a sweet-talking used car salesman. Responding appropriately and eluding danger becomes a lot harder when the corrosive attack is masked. This is when the invalidation and destabilization happen at the same time that a number of the victim's needs are being fulfilled (e.g. praises, romance, a sense of belonging) . The victim may mistake the invalidation/ destabilization by the other person as mere bad habits that the attacker will eventually grow out of. There is also the hopeful wish that love and goodness will prevail over the attacker's bad behavior. When the imbalance is sustained long enough, when the victim's feelings or reasoning are continually belittled and ignored and the victim's resistance always presented as a statement of her deficiencies, then destabilization follows. The victim falls into a malaise from the loss of joy of life. She becomes drained of energy to fight and resist the sniping and bullying. The common-sense action to seek out truth from distortion (or even to tease and be playful) is overwhelmed by walking on eggshells and trying extremely hard not to upset someone. This book does a good job in identifying the nuances of the problem, describing the stages of seduction/invalidation, and providing ways for one to re-orient, rejuvenate and find solutions out of the problem.

As a career consultant, I find myself saying often, "It's not about you." You blew the interview? Your boss keeps insulting you? Some interviews are a sham -- the company wonders who's out there or the boss wants to hire somebody's relative. And some bosses have their own agendas. This book goes into much more depth about all kinds of situations where it's appropriate to say, "It's not about you." I like Stern's comparison to talking to a four-year-old who insists candy is a vegetable. You don't get into an argument. You know you're right. So you don't waste time worrying what she'll think of you when you hold firm in your position. If nothing else, readers will take away a new understanding of frustrating interactions. Sometimes the other person will never "get it." You have to focus on escaping their influence. It's especially difficult with family and bosses, but easier when you recognize the dynamic. You learn to say, "We will have to discontinue this project because I think we are not on the same length," not, "I can't work with someone who won't keep deadlines and does sloppy work." You can say, "Yes, maybe I am selfish when I won't offer free services to your needy friend." Or "I will not continue the conversation when you speak to me in that tone." Readers who remember the popularity of assertiveness training from the 70s will recognize some of Stern's techniques and will want to add their own. For instance, in my own experience, it's rarely helpful to set up a time to talk and explain, "Next time you interrupt me I will leave the room." I would rather just do it. I enjoyed reading Stern's examples of "flight attendants" who serve as barometers of when to worry and when to shrug off an incident, analogous to flight attendants who remain calm and cheery through most bumps of flight but get serious when there's real trouble ahead. I like the way she encourages readers to pay attention to small Stage 1 incidents because they can easily turn to bigger incidents that threaten our entire quality of life. Finally, I think Stern's techniques would be appropriate for dealing with difficult professionals, such as arrogant medical professionals. You could also use them when you're a consumer of products or services, or when you're dealing with difficult clients of your own. Hopefully readers will take away a lifetime message: "You're probably not stuck here. You can leave. The price may be high but ultimately you will be much better off."

The book teaches one how to explicate what seems like the commonplace. If you have that uneasy feeling in the presence of those to whom you are connected but don't entirely trust, The Gaslight Effect can provide you with insight into many hidden dynamics that can create that unsettling experience. This book is for anyone who lives and thrives in the company of others but has trouble keeping their bearings in the presence of strong and manipulative people.

Robin Stern's book, The Gaslight Effect, is a template that allows the reader to identify and navigate power imbalances in relationship, both personal and professional. As a clinician I have found her writing to be a flashlight for explorations with clients around relational conflicts. The material in Robin's book both illuminates the issues and suggests possibilities toward growth and change.