The Friends We Keep: A Woman's Quest for the Soul of Friendship

The friendship between women is worlds different than the friendship between men. "The Friends We Keep: A Woman's Quest for the Soul of Friendship" is a discussion of the friendships of women and how their relationships are unique. So often women's friendships involve competition, where there's lot of unfriendly behavior, yet the women who have these rivalries end up friends for a lifetime. Examining this anomalies, author Sarah Zacharias Davis offers much food for thought for women and their friendships. "The Friends We Keep" is a worthwhile and highly recommended read.

This book put into words so many things I had been thinking about friendships with women. It really explained a lot about why friendships between women are so different and perfectly described many of the challenges I have face in my own personal relationships. I found it very useful in helping me to understand how other women think and why they react the way they do. It also helped me to understand more about myself and how I can better understand my own needs in friendship.

Sarah Zacharias Davis' new book The Friends We Keep: A Woman's Quest For the Soul of Friendship (Waterbrook) is your local bookstore's best kept secret. If you're a woman and you have friends, then you need to read this book. Or if you're a woman who wants to be a good friend, you need to read this book. Perhaps you'd rather "hang with the boys," you still need to read this book. While Christian living books aimed at women can often derail with flowery metaphors and "tea party" talk, Davis does the very opposite--she emboldens women to pursue a lifetime of friendships. And, no, she doesn't get sappy. The Friends We Keep is a well-researched and exceptional approach to what is going on with woman and their tumultuous relationships. Davis starts out by introducing four female archetypes--the Nurturing Friend (think Meg from "Little Women"), the Evil Queen (jealousy rules as she strives to make others feel inadequate), the Olympian (constantly competing to be the best), and Marie Barone (named after the mother from "Everybody Loves Raymond." Maries constantly undermine the innocent with passive aggression). After fleshing out these archetypes, Davis tackles one of the seedier aspects of womanhood--gossip. For centuries, women shared information as a way to connect and create community, says Davis, but now, women also use it to gain power. She could easily shy away from her own involvement in gossip, jealous behavior, and other uncomfortable issues, yet Davis owns up to her own shortcomings, which allows the reader to be more honest about hers. At times, The Friends We Keep is painful to read due to its deep probing questions about motives, manipulation, jealousy, competition, and selfishness. If a reader allows it, this book can act as a catalyst for deep change in how she treats herself and others. However, Davis doesn't leave readers in their pain. She then offers a look at the various types of friendships a woman may have in her lifetime using personal accounts from her life and the lives of others to share about childhood friends, sister friends, best friends, soul friends, unlikely friends, and friend groups. Using biblical examples such as Jesus and Peter's friendship as well as Naomi and Ruth's, Davis clearly keeps her focus biblical without overwhelming the reader with "too much Bible," so this book is a great read even for non-Christians. By no means does Davis water down her faith, instead she says that a deeper friendship with God leads to right relationships with others. Her last chapter, which deals with the topic of friendship with self, is particularly interesting. Friendship with self is not narcissistic, explains Davis, but necessary for self-preservation and connectedness with God and self. She asks readers to examine their negative internal self-talk--messages such as "You are too fat. You are ugly. You aren't good enough"--and ask if they would really want to be friends with someone like that. Why, then, sho

Friendship can be complicated, can't it? In "The Friends We Keep, A Woman's Quest for the Soul of Friendship," Sarah Zacharias Davis, explores some of the joys and difficulties of friendship. We love our friends and we need our friends, so why then do we get jealous or resentful of them? Broken friendships can often be more painful than even the breakups we've had with boyfriends. Some friendships are broken off suddenly, while others wilt away over time until there's nothing left. These are just some of the topics Davis explores as she attempts to navigate the often murky waters of friendship between women. I did have some difficulty in reading this book, not because it isn't good - it is, but because it caused me to reflect on friendships I've had and still have. But I'm glad I read it, and I'm sure other women will also give thought to, and freshly appreciate their current friendships, and let go of those that have ended. There is a discussion guide included at the conclusion of the book.

Friendship among women is explored from different perspectives in The Friends We Keep by Sarah Zacharias Davis. Viewing how women relate to one another through the roles we play, through the stages of life, and in light of the various circumstances in which we find ourselves sheds light on how friendships influence our own growth and development. The easy reading style and organization of this book make it convenient for the reader to read the chapters chronologically or to skip around according to a specific interest. The author thoughtfully considers different faces of friendship in each chapter and stimulates thought in the reader to ponder her own answers to the many questions she raises. For example, in the chapter on the roles we play, Davis raises the thorny issue of how difficult many find it to be happy for a friend who has experienced a blessing of one kind or another. She points out "jealousy survives only on our feelings of inadequacy." This is particularly true in situations where several members of a friendship circle find themselves sharing a circumstance such as being engaged or having a baby and one member of the group is not sharing those same joys. The dynamics of the group change and jealousy is a frequent visitor to these friendship circles. Another interesting discussion the author raises is the phenomenon of how two friends may serve as a mirror to each other. She points out that when we see ourselves reflected in our friend, we may not like what we see and often choose denial and then a moving away from this type of friendship. As Davis states, "I have marveled at my own ability to justify my actions or feelings." Honesty with one's self helps us manage a friendship like this most productively. The Friends We Keep is written from a Christian perspective but not over-done with Scripture passages. The research into what other cultures have contributed to the concept of friendship is also interesting. "Friendship was a vital part of the tradition of the early Celtic Christians; its critical importance having originated with the Desert Christians...The Desert Christians ultimately inspired the Celtic Christians in their practice of soul friendship or anamchara." I learned much about how ancient models of friendship influenced how we view friendship in the modern world. I would recommend this book to anyone who is interested in learning about friendship relationships among women. It gives an interesting peek into the ebb and flow of friendships throughout the ages and stages of women's lives but it does not attempt to solve the problems of various friendships. It acts simply as window into them and raises questions for the reader to consider. A discussion guide is included at the end of the book. Review by Paula Buermele, Bookpleasures reviewer and author of "The Dream Catcher Tour".