The Four Things That Matter Most: A Book about Living

2 days ago I spent 2 hours with my mother who is sick and not expected to live to much longer. I haven't spent time with her like that for 17 years. Over the years there have been so many misunderstandings, cross words, mean letters, siblings fighting and talking about each other and I honestly thought it was hopeless. I thought I would never see my mother again. Ever. It was a MESS! But, it became obvious with lots of work and support over the years that what I wanted most was to tell my mom I love her and how much I appreciate all she has done for me. My severe depression was based on the thought that I literally thought that was impossible. A few weeks ago, I (well, we) decided it didn't matter the outcome; I had to tell her anyway. I was prepared for the worst. I wrote out the scenarios and read them to my husband and therapist. They helped me visualize and come to grips with how I would handle whatever the outcome would be. Of course part of me really wanted it to go well but no one thought it would. 6 days ago, while preparing I found this book online. I immediately went to the library and got it (only because I couldn't buy it in time! We were leaving in 3 days!!) I read the entire book that night. OH my gosh. I cried and cried and cried. I prayed that I would have an experience that was good. But I knew I probably wouldn't. But something Dr. Byock said several times about how your loved ones will always live within you struck me. And I knew that is exactly what was driving me crazy. I KNEW I loved my mom. I KNEW she had done so much for me and THAT'S what I wanted in my heart. That's it. I don't want anymore sadness and hate. I don't want to be confused. I love my mom and that's what I want to feel in my heart and that's what I wanted her to feel in her heart. So, I had already written a letter to her, but I adapted it to incorporate the 4 things. I bought some beautiful paper and I decorated it. I printed some pictures of her grandchildren. I did it all with only love. All I thought about was I love my mom and even if she can't hear it I know it. I love her and I forgive her and I pray she forgives me. I don't care what anyone else in the family thinks. Maybe she won't want to see me. I'll leave her the letter. I'll put it on the doorstep. I'll pray that someone will give it to her. If she can't read it I'll pray that someone will read it to her. And if not, I made a copy for myself to remind me of how much I love my mom and appreciate all she did for me. I read the book again the next day (5 days ago). I was so scared to go see her but I knew my only option was to just show up. If I involved anyone else in the family it would become a big drama or I might be talked out of it. As we drove up even though I was filled sometimes with dread to face the worst, I kept the 4 things in mind always. That's it. That's what it comes down to. Nothing else matters. I told my friends about the 4 things (our best friends who we stopped

I'm studying to be a Geriatric Care Manager and purchased this book to help me understand the needs of the families of the dying. From this book I learned how transformative these four statements can be when facing the terminal illness of a loved one. They are tools for deep communication and for solving long standing problems in relationships- allowing true emotional healing to occur even under the most difficult circumstances. Dr. Byock's message is genius in its simplicity. I really appreciate his compassionate work and his profound message about living and dying. I recommend this book to anyone who is looking deeply into the meaning of his or her own life or who is going through a difficult time due to the terminal illness of a family member or friend.

As a Grief Recovery Specialist, I help people to complete relationships after a loss. After reading Ira Byock's, "The Four Things That Matter Most", I believe I wouldn't have a job if everyone would complete relationships before their loss. A great book for everyone. I highly recommend this book. Pat Reinkensmeyer, Grief Recovery Specialist

I have been working in the field of end of life care for 30 years as a nurse, and now, as the owner of my own hopsice program. When people say, "How can you do this work? Isn't is depressing?", I can only say, the dying have taught me how to live. Dr. Byok's book presents the lessons that we learn from the dying in a poetic and beautiful way. It is evident from his writing that his life expereince, both personally and professionaly, have allowed him to capture in prose what the dying teach us. I live my life as though there is a truck around every corner and if anyone says to me "I am dying" I say me too!" Now, what are we going to do to live in the face of this expereince called death? Dr. Byok's book has captured the simplicity of living each day in the fullness of love, gratitude and forgiveness. All that matters in life is our relationship with self, others, and a power greater than ourselves. This book helps to maintain wholeness in each of those areas. A nursing friend of mine who was dying once said,"Death is like any other journey but it is one we unpack for." Each day we live we can "unpack" a little more if we follow the lessons gleaned from Dr. Byok's wisdom. AND, for those who think that this is a book about dying, THINK AGAIN! I know from my personal experience that when my life upon this earth concludes I will have no regrets and will leave in peace becaue I already practice the four things that matter most each and every day. Thank you Dr. Byok for sharing your wisdom.

Too often in the midst of our everyday lives, we neglect to tell the people who mean the most to us how much we care. In this book, Dr. Byock gently shows us how to heal from even profound separations from the people who have touched our lives.After reading this book, I feel that I am able to express my gratitude to friends and family daily. I try not to hold onto negative experiences and have forgiven some grudges that were years old.Thank you, Dr. Byock.