The Dance of Deception: A Guide to Authenticity and Truth-Telling in Women's Relationships

this book covers a huge amount of territory, and covers it well, but the chapter I found most helpful detailed the effects of intentional with-holding of an important truth that has direct impact on a child's identity. This 'with-holding' is not based on selfishness or malevolence, but perhaps because it is easier for the family to deal with the issue via avoidance, or because it is deemed in the best interest of the child, etc. I particularly like Lerner's emphasis on the good intentions and complexity behind many decision-processess that culminate in deception and with-holding of the truth. I found this book particularly helpful because our family had an ethnic secret. My parents were torn on whether or not to keep this secret from me, and I am grateful to them for dropping a few hints, my father intentionally, my mother I'm not sure whether intentionally or unintentionally - so that eventually I was able to figure it out. Lerner spoke to me through this book, and understood my issues with this situation more than any of the people I have actually told about it! (including my therapist, although she has been great, too, in her own way.) The ethnic secret, especially in today's world, is really no big deal - but the effect the secret-keeping had on me was to make me feel excluded within my own family. I know other people feel this way, too, for other reasons, but in my case a big part of the quasi-exclusion was the ethnic issue. When I uncovered this secret, I felt very much alone, since it is not any of the more well-known and well-acknowledged ethnic problems, so people often seem more perplexed than sympathetic when I 'share.' The issue of truth in intimate relationships is the real hub of the matter. I feel that sometimes people focus too much on the racial issues and not enough on the effect on me of the 'with-holding of truth,' in my opinion the core issue. Harriet Lerner made me feel so supported, and gave me wonderfully helpful insights into myself as well, through this book. Thank you, Harriet!

Perhaps the truth can set us free, but it seems that the first step is to free that truth within us. The Dance of Deception provides an insightful overview of how our own personal truths get blocked by both systemic forces such as society, cultural expectations, family secrets, as well as by inner forces such as overwhelming emotions, personal narratives, and internal confusion. Harriet explores the process of truth-telling in women's lives which begins with tuning into our own personal truths and then effectively sharing these truths with others. Her book clearly illuminates how the quest for our deepest truths is a prerequisite for authentic relationships with both the self and others.

Harriet Lerner has long been writing books that are both insightful and accessible. In 'The Dance of Deception' she has achieved something miraculous: she has written a book that can help you reconnect with estranged family members and friends, improve your rapport with your children, no matter their age, and, perhaps most importantly, help alleviate the pain that deception has caused you in your own life. I have suffered greatly because of family secrets and have also struggled recently to communicate with my loved ones about painful topics. This book has served as an indispensable guide through these difficult processes and has helped me emerge a stronger, happier person. I am greatly indebted to Harriet Lerner. And I firmly believe the world is a better place for having her in it!!

Though this book is not new, I just discovered it. Having read it, I now take a different perspective on how 'honest' I am, and how I can approach more honesty - in healthy ways - in all of my relationships. I am not the typical image of 'feminism', in the negative ways the word has come to represent, but I do know that being a woman is an experience to be conscious of. Though it has a heavy feminist bent, one of the best things about this book is that it addresses more than just women's concerns. It tackles the many ways that we all deceive ourselves, and those we come into contact with. It addresses the issues of secrecy within families, 'faking' orgasm, playing out the scripts that we are given for life, and the important distinction between pretending and lying. I appreciated the suggestions about laying groundwork with others before approaching hard truths, and the concept of 'trying on' a different behavior in order to find out where our truths really are. As a fair assessment, I would say that it takes a while to get into the style or format of the book. It's not laid out in sequential order, so it took a few chapters to get totally engrossed. But the case studies, and her responses, rang true so many times, that I got to the point of almost being late for work because I couldn't put it down. I am married and work in a small non-profit with 3 men. I've shared several of my discoveries from the book with them, and had meaningful discussions with all. My ED even photocopied a few pages to share with his wife - another testimony to the concepts presented. You do need to be ready to read the book with an open attitude toward your own behaviors and ways of dealing with others. It's not always easy to admit to things we do, but don't want to claim. I would recommend this to anyone trying to sort out the best path to a whole, healthy, happy life.