The Betrayal Bond

I searched all over for a book about Betrayal Bonds, Trauma Bonds, or Stockholm Syndrome. I am a survivor of multiple long-term childhood sexual traumas. I was abused by a parent figure (and also other people). In the primary abusive relationship I bonded to the offender through the need for love, as a means of survival, and in reaction to extreme terror (among many other reasons). As a teen and young adult I was involved in dangerous relationships and again sexually assaulted multiple times. It is amazing how betrayal bonds of all different kinds have so much in common. This book will help you to understand betrayal bonds, and as a workbook it is a great help for learning how to break the patterns of abuse.I am 25 now, and happily married to a kind and healthy man, but I am often held back from healing because of the bond I still feel towards the abuser(s). I have also come to realize that I still play out these patterns in my life on a smaller scale. I can not recommend this book enough. It truly is a lifesaver. I finally feel that I am able to reclaim my life from the abusers who tried to steal it from me. This book helped me to understand and validate the effects abuse has had upon my life, body, mind, and spirit. It helped me to face what I went through. The very last chapter was most incredible of all. Patrick Carnes offered great insight into why we continue these patterns of betrayal bonding and how we can gain the courage, strength, and self love to end the patterns. He also has a very accessible approach to healing the spiritual effects of abuse (as well as many other common effects of abuse and deep trauma). This book will always be one of the books that has helped me the most on my journey to recovery and healing. This book has also helped me to feel safe in allowing myself to deeply trust.

A copy of THE BETRAYAL BOND, given to me by who?, I don't recall, had been sitting on my bookshelf unread for at least two years when I finally took serious note of it, last Friday, June 22, 2001, while searching for yet another escapist novel. Actually, I was given no choice in the matter. Like a note to Alice (in Wonderland) the red lettered title suddenly jumped at me, screaming, "READ ME!" A day later, I emerged from reading, and answering the various questionaires, if not a new woman, a profoundly altered one. Where do I begin? In the beginning I was a severely beaten and incestuously molested girl and teenager. Then I married a man who said I was "nothing" compared to him and abandoned me for months at a time or beat me to make that point even clearer. Then I divorced him and worked my way through a series of disasterous relationships with men who had no intention of remaining faithful. I went to Al-Anon for several years but that only got me over the alcohol-related stuff. Affiliation with a 12 Step group still did not prevent me from entering what proved to be the most devestating relationship of all in which I was sexually exploitated by a Catholic priest who dangled the promise of marriage, only to renig on it after he was ordered by his superior into sex offender treatment. He is still a priest, who now attends Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings, and I am over the worst of the post-traumatic shock disorder I suffered from after learning about his Mr. Hyde side.So, I have to assume this was the perfect time for me to finally read this book, because I was really ready for it. I all but inhaled the thing, nodding along rapidly, recognizing myself in so much of it it was painful, but freeing as well. I have tools now. I'm not a lost cause. I don't have to avoid men for the balance of my life; I just have to become a lot more conscious of what I'm doing and why. This is particularly a godsend because the reader can begin to use this, without the help of others, as a way to rebuild the ability to deal with others again. I particularly like the comprehensiveness of this book. There is not one type of abuse, personal, social or institutional that Carnes doesn't discuss. He hits them all, with bullseye accuracy. There is no where to hide in this book and that's precisely what makes it so great -- a powerful testament to the assertion "the truth shall set you free." Amen!However, I was disappointed to note that Carnes' support group listing at the back of the book does not include clergy (or religious) abuse support groups. This is a serious omission given the fact he provides so many references to clergy and religious abuse throughout the book. In reprints of this book, I hope he will amend that oversight as there are several such groups in existence throughout the world. I belong to one and know that I would probably be dead of suicide by now if I hadn't been referred to the support group I now belong to, by my therapist. Mos

The Betrayal Bond is a superb book. It is research based, concisely written and easy to read. It handles the subject of exploitive relationships in a manner that shows great depth of understanding of how these bonds form in the first place, and great compassion toward those who suffer from betrayal bonds. The main strength of this book is that the author offers concrete advice for how to break free of the betrayal bond and move on to healthier relationships. Note: I read two other books along with The Betrayal Bond, and found the three books together to be highly complementary. The two other books I read are: Emotional Intelligence [Goleman] and The Verbally Abusive Relationship [Evans]. Buy these three books, and share them with a friend when you are done with them!

Have you been exploited by a therapist or minister, yet, inexplicably, keep running back to him? Have you been emotionally or physically abused by a spouse, but find it difficult to get out of the marriage --- or, if divorced, feel so bonded that it feels as if you're still married? If so, please read this book! The book clearly explains why "the betrayal bond" is so powerful. I myself was sexually abused by two different "authority" figures when I was 4 and then again when I was 16. I carried deep shame about this, feeling I somehow carried a flaw within me that caused this to happen to me. Then, a year ago, I sought healing with a licensed marriage & family therapist who turned out to be completely unethical (kissing clients on the mouth, allowing family members & ex-girlfriends in group, soliciting business from clients for pyramid schemes, having clients working for him, etc.) He seduced me. I immediately cut of ties with the man but could not quit longing for him, all the while enraged at him and knowing how destructively insane this obsessive attachment was. Not until I read this book did I understand WHY I found it difficult to free myself from this therapist. Now I'm healing the original wounds with a trained social worker and am firmly on the road to recovery. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has experienced trauma bonding: child abuse, emotional abuse, professional exploitation, religious abuse, incest, serial infidelity, sexual harrassment. IT'S A MUST-READ for those in the healing professions, as well.

As we've come to expect from his previous cutting edge books, Dr Carnes integrates a good blend of theory and practicality in his writing. In The Betrayal Bond the author first establishes the basis for seeing how and when relationships become and stay exploitive, and what is required to break the cycle of abuse toward healing. A REFRESHING ADVANTAGE of this book is that nearly half of it is dedicated to sequencing concrete steps for identifying problems and change on a path of awareness, action, recovery, and hope. This book, therefore, stands to be very helpful to the consultant and victim, the practioner and patient in charting a way of understanding, identifying specific goals, and marking progress toward achieving them.