Thank You for Being Such a Pain: Spiritual Guidance for Dealing with Difficult People

_The central idea of this book is that there is a spiritual reason that we encounter difficult people (and that they encounter us.) As the author states, we are not on this earth just to have fun- we are here to refine our character, develop our talents, and contribute our unique gifts toward the greater good. Often this means that we are provided with the ideal foe- one that pushes all of our buttons. Instead of automatically striking back, we need to try to find out why this is so. That is why this book is so useful, for it not only lists every known way of trying to deal with another person that you have a problem with, but also with how to try to understand their motives. _Still, to his credit, the author recognizes that there are those that are so unreasonable that we will have no choice but to cut them off- and perhaps warn others. You just don't do this until you have exhausted all other options. Also, it is recognized that it is healthy and normal to have extreme emotional reactions to difficult people (how many authority figures have you encountered that considered your anger a worse sin than the offense that triggered it?) _I've come to the conclusion that the author is correct in his views. There are no coincidences in this life- not if we are sensitive and introspective enough to recognize and interpret them. Plus, the purpose of this life is to learn and grow- and often that means the pressure of conflict. In and of itself, conflict is not good- it is the effort to understand both your motivations and that of others that is of value. _This book isn't a cure-all for interpersonal conflicts by any means. However it is a good basis for a "reasonable man's standard" to use with dealing with others. Don't be too upset if you encounter people on which the approach simply will not work. Personally, over the years I've notice that there seem to be more and more people who simply cannot see that they are violating other's rights- or they simply do not care. Maybe that is why we are here- to be a thorn in their side.... And remember- some people are merely different, not difficult.

I am finishing an internship position working under a supervisor whose leadership style was a mix of authoritarian/ laisse faire. Metaphorically, I was in boot camp/ either sinking or teaching myself to swim. I was weak with writing paperwork and it often resulted in my supervisor ridiculing me to the whole department. I sometimes had to stand up to the supervisor without unleashing my wrangling emotions. I had to be very clear, justify my actions and not hold resentment. In other words, discipline myself. This book gives the mentholated rub needed. It is very helpful. It is very instructional, offering lots of techniques, warmth, and beautiful insight into a painful situation. Yes it is a gem of a book. It allowed me to stay in the training and learn to be more effective and efficient. The big bonus is that I grew emotionally. I learned to sit more with difficult emotions.

I have told several people about this book and just loaned my copy to a friend. I found the exercises helpful as well, especially the one in which you write down things others have said to you that have affected you positively or negatively in your life. It gave me a deeper understanding of the power of our words. We don't always know how they will affect others. It is a great book becuase it reels you in with its title, but then makes you realize the role you play in your own difficulties with others within its pages. A valuable read!

This excellent book is almost a commentary on Joseph's remark to his brothers at Genesis 50:20: "Although you intended me harm, God intended it for good." For Mark Rosen's basic outlook is that "difficult" people are sent to us in fulfillment of Divine purposes, one of which is to help us grow spiritually.I say "almost" because Rosen is careful not to assume that "difficult" people really _do_ intend harm; on the contrary, he repeatedly contends, many apparently difficult people don't really have any idea that they're doing something wrong. For that matter, many of them _aren't_ doing anything wrong; sometimes the problem is in ourselves only, and _we_ are the ones who are being "difficult." (Everybody is difficult to somebody, says Rosen. And genuine evil, he thinks, is a rarity, although it does exist.)But however that may be, Rosen takes the view that there is a spiritual lesson for us hidden inside every one of our dealings with other people, that we will have to keep retaking the lesson until we learn it, and that ultimately the only way to guarantee that we can deal effectively with "difficult" people is to change ourselves in accordance with such lessons. And in chapter after chapter, he sets out exercises and questions that are intended to help us do just that.Rosen's approach is firmly grounded in Judaism (and clearly inspired by the Musar movement, especially R. Moshe Hayyim Luzzatto's _The Path of the Upright_, from which Rosen quotes on page one). But he is careful to present advice that carries over to other religions and spiritual traditions, and indeed to quote from representatives of those traditions -- or of none -- when they have something apropos to say. (I like his choices; his quotations range from Ambrose Bierce's "Devil's Dictionary" to Saint Jerome to Shakespeare to Groucho Marx to the Christian New Testament.) It is therefore suitable for readers of any religious persuasion, although for obvious reasons it will be most helpful to readers who believe in a providential God.The exercises themselves look helpful, and although I haven't tried many of them yet, they seem to comport very well with the sorts of things I already do. And aside from the exercises themselves, the book is full of terrific advice, in particular on the subject of taking an interest in other people's well-being without turning oneself into a doormat.If Rosen's approach were more widely adopted, it would not only grease the wheels of our relationships with those we find "difficult," but also go some way toward restoring the idea of a "common good" to the place of respect it deserves. For Rosen's most essential advice is surely that we need not sacrifice our own interests in promoting those of others -- that, on the contrary, the most effective way of dealing with "difficult" people is to realize that we are on the same side if only we could see it.

This book was an enormous aid to me in dealing with some uncomfortable relationships. Putting the tensions in a spiritual context helped me to get a clearer sense of the learning that was taking place. This is a major tool for understanding and compassion. A must read!