Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre

I wasn't sure what to make of Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre when I received it. I mean are these guys serious? Yup, there's a rather angry looking Teddy Bear right on the cover. Yet this horror athnology from Tim Lieder's Dybbuk press turned out to be quite a surprise with 11 stories that hit on a variety of subjects including demented fairy tales, killer clowns, and talking crabs. C.C. Parker's "Formaldehyde" is a somewhat meandering tale of Bad mushrooms, zombies, and the overpowering smell of formaldehyde. I really loved Paul Haines' "Doof, Doof, Doof" telling a rather demented version of Little Red Riding Hood where the big bad wolf is down on his luck, Red is rather promiscuous, and the three little pigs are foul-mouthed little perverts. What more could you ask for! "Rats! Wrong Alley" deals with a couple of small-time degenerate drug dealers who have to come up with some money very quickly or find themselves very dead. When they rob a convenience store and hide out in a dilapidated alley, they find that there are worse things than winos living there. Story by Tim Johnson. Cameron Hill's "Hermetic Crab" is wonderfully imaginative but somewhat out of place as it is more of a straight urban fantasy as opposed to horror. A man finds a crab that talks with a Scottish accent who teaches him the ways of arcane mystical arts for an eventual showdown with the story's villain. "Something Funny is Going On" by Brian Rosenberger is a great story. It's told in first person through entries in the lead character's war journal and I couldn't get the image of Marvel Comics' The Punisher out of my head while I read it. This lone soldier battles a world that has been infected by alien clowns and he's terminating them with extreme prejudice...and a bit of biting humor to boot. "Head Drippers" by Robert Steussi might be the single most horrifying tale in the book. A man conducting a journalistic experiment checks himself into a psychiatric hospital to find out just what goes on behind the closed doors and to see if he can actually get back out. He'll soon find he's picked the wrong hospital to check into and "head drippers" becomes quite a literal term. Other stories are provided by Trina Shealy Orton, William Brock, Roberta Rogaw, Jennifer Jourdanne, and Michael Stone. 144 pages in all and definitely an anthology worth picking up. So when is volume two coming out? Reviewed by Tim Janson

Tim Lieder instantly gained my respect for producing the first anthology I've come across in some time that does not include its editor's own fiction between its pages. It's a practice that has become all-too-common these days, and any editors who do it are instantly suspect in my eyes. Essentially, they're just making sure they get a little extra added to their royalty checks. Thank you, Mr. Lieder and Dybbuk Press, for taking the high road, and for producing one of the more consistent modern anthologies. The first impression that Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre made on me was through its cover art (by Amanda Rehagen): an obviously pissed-off poseable stuffed bear brandishing what is either a spatula or some sort of medieval fly swatter. This image is surprisingly good at setting the tone for the anthology: the circumventing of my expectations. Nothing was what I thought it would be, most of all the fact that not a one of these "11 stories of fear, obsession, and killer clowns" has a damn thing to do with a teddy bear cannibal massacre, in any sense of the phrase. Once I got past that, however, I was ready to take on each in Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre story on its own merits. The first one, "Formaldehyde" by C.C. Parker, however, did not make much of an impression. It took Paul Haines to really get me ready for some entertainment with his "Doof Doof Doof". Its beginning doesn't show much promise, but it folds wonderfully into the rest of this revisionist fairy tale starring Little Red Riding Hood, the Big Bad Wolf, and the Three Little Pigs. Roberta Rogaw's "Peppercorn Rent" is a more pedestrian kind of tale, but its inclusion of lupine lady, a singer named Lime Green Jello, and an old land rule from the 15th century raises it above the rabble. Sadly, Tim Johnson's "Rats, Wrong Alley" is just one cliche piled on top of the last, all threaded together by stilted dialogue. "Brilliant Suspension" by Trina Shealy Orton has a great beginning -- or, rather, is a great beginning to a story that almost happens, and then doesn't. Conversely, Cameron Hill's "Hermetic Crab" is simply overflowing with imagination -- so much that it doesn't seem to know what to do with it all. When a man finds a magic hermit crab that speaks in a Scottish brogue (don't ask me!), he gets caught up in a fantastic battle of wits and spells. Somehow, this all works together, but it would be even better with a little more focus. "Blue Elephants" by Jenifer Jourdanne is another type of story entirely. It doesn't belong in a horror anthology like Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre, and I'm not quite sure it's even a story -- though it has a narrative thread, however thin -- as it seems more like a journal entry. The line between truth and fiction is blurred, in any case, as the author's name is the same as the narrator's. Be that as it may, it is immensely entertaining and Jourdanne's voice is loud and clear. She may have a future as a memoirist alongside Augusten Burroughs, Chuck

An interesting collection of delightfully disturbing tales, whose twists and turns reflect the multifaceted personality of the editor: a pro-war liberal, a Lutheran-turned-Jew, and an obviously sensitive soul with a strong commitment to the macabre. "Doof, Doof, Doof," for example, is a retelling of Little Red Riding Hood and The Three Little Pigs, with the lecherous wolf as a grumpy, suicidal main character, complete with a spectacular sex scene starring Little Red Riding Hood and - you guessed it - the three little pigs. "Brilliant Suspension" evokes Poe's "The Pit and the Pendulum" - with a mysterious transformation twist at the end. "Blue Elephants," on the other hand, rather than being just scary, offers an interesting commentary on the life of the single person in California. An eclectic anthology of eleven provocative stories, self-produced by what promises to be a rising force in independent sexploitation horror.

Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre is a book of impossible evil, really bad bad evil. If you read it, you'll go insane, vote for Lyndon Larouche, listen to easy listening, and watch the crinkly evil squid eat out your eyeballs. These 11 stories by some of the freshest writers in horror include tales of killer clowns, dancing werewolves, mutant rats, zombies, high schoolers, Disneyland, and other terrible things. Fiction: Formaldehyde - C.C. Parker Doof Doof Doof - Paul Haines Peppercorn Rent - Roberta Rogow Rats, Wrong Alley - Tim Johnson Brilliant Suspension - Trina Shealy Orton Blue Elephants - Jenifer Jourdanne Hermetic Crab - Cameron Hill Head Drippers - Rob Steussi Something Funny is Going On - Brian Rosenberger Clob - Michael Stone Berries Under Snow - William Brock Artwork: Amanda Rehagen Formaldehyde - my doesn't approve of the swearing Doof Doof Doof - my mother really doesn't approve of this one. Peppercorn Rent - It's got dancing. Rats, Wrong Alley - name says it all. Brilliant Suspension - Torture story Blue Elephants - Check out Jenifer Jourdanne's livejournal. She's funnier than Sedaris. Hermetic Crab - not sure why the crab has a brogue Head Drippers - Very inspired by Philip K. Dick Something Funny is Going On - you know I always liked clowns. Apparently I'm in the minority. Clob - a sweet love story Berries Under Snow - a creepy love story Besides that, this is the first book of Dybbuk Press. Hope you enjoy.

This is a must have book in every library. Between your Shakespeare and Homer, this is a great conversation book and one of it's kind!