Taking the War Out of Our Words

I love this book and would wholeheartedly recommend it for every househould. Families and coworkers can have the best intentions, but if the language we use is what we all grew up with - a war-like model - then it can be confusing and frustrating when our interactions with people make us feel worse than before. I like how this book dissects the language we typically use (most of it rang all too familiar!), then offers new ways of communicating the same thing with language that helps the other person feel more receptive. I've started using these techniques at home and at work, and I can't speak highly enough about it. I really learned a lot, and I feel more empowered in my communication skills, even in difficult of situations - not that I don't fall back into old ways. But when I do, it's a reminder of how different the results are when you use language consciously or unconsciously. The concept of using language creatively to generate harmony is such an obvious but brilliant observation. The way the author breaks everything down into examples makes it seem really possible for anyone to transform and improve how they interact with the world. (The index of examples is really helpful!)

I happened upon this book surfing the net for something else, and when I saw the title, I ordered it right away hoping it would be good. I haven't finished it yet, because my husband and I are reading it aloud to each other whenever we get the chance. But we are well into it, and it is excellent. I can't believe it isn't more popular. The first part of the book is about how we (as a culture) learn to communicate and use language based on a war model. She gives examples of every war tactic and how that plays out in real-life day-to-day situations. I guarantee, they will all be familiar to you. She doesn't miss much in analyzing how people unintentionally communicate poorly with one another. I went to a party after reading that section and was hyper-aware of how I and others communicated. It was very interesting and helpful. But I couldn't wait to get to the next section on how to communicate well!The rest of the book is about how to replace the old unhealthy way of communicating with a healthy way of communicating that gives you power and confidence in your day-to-day interactions, and minimizes conflict. Her theory that we need to "take the war out of our words" before we can achieve peace at home and in the world, to me, seems like an obvious but brilliant perception. She seems very dedicated to spreading this message and educating people. I think she does an excellent job. This is the kind of stuff I wish we were learning in our schools! Great read.

Sharon Ellison's Powerful, Non-Defensive Communication method inspired me and made me eager to incorporate her discovery of a non-defensive form of communication into my own relationships. Sharon's book takes you through several different types of scenarios where her method can prevent those knots and tangles we sometimes find ourselves caught up in. More importantly, without having to provide real examples for every single type of situation requiring communication; she is able to provide clear, in-depth explanations for understanding this concept. For me, this book will serve as a resourceful tool, which I will turn to repeatedly until I have mastered this concept. I have been able to test this method with that most difficult person in my life. To my absolute amazement I was able to diffuse the anger and aggression in an instant. The response was calm, agreable, and seemed to put this person in think-mode over what they were feeling, where I had typically expected irrational conflict and excessive verbal abuse. I am actually able to speak without compromising my integrity or becoming entrapped in that power struggle. In past, other methods were short-lived and effective up until that difficult person caught on to my pattern of communicating. Using Sharon's method, I am able to stay true to myself without a need for masking those feelings in order to remain protected. I am willing to say that I believe this book may be preventing many years of unnecessary, damaging stress to my life. It is my opinion that this method should be mandated as an academic course within our schools today. I believe it is a wonderful and positive way to start out our continued struggle toward peace and understanding for one another!

I am amazed how the suggestions in this book have helped me work with clients more effectively. I've been able to set limits better, with excellent results, where in the past I would feel stuck and disadvantaged. This is in addition to making my communication with friends and family smoother. Sharon Ellison's ideas just make good sense when you think about it. But it's unusual in this culture to see very good examples of how to communicate well. It's as if arguing and fighting are the only ways we know, or giving up and shutting up, or maybe just pretending to agree, then zapping the other person the first chance we get. I'm thrilled to find and understand another way, where I can be true to myself and stand in my integrity, without getting into a tug of war, or disappearing. I use to just withdraw, and feel resentful, but not any more! I heartily recommend this book!

Ellison describes with laser-like precision the basic ways in which communication breaks down in human relationships. However, unlike many other books in this field which portray the problem, she also describes how/what we can change so that we learn to speak from a place that is truthful and vulnerable while at the same time feeling protected and powerful. Other communication studies I have looked at, create a script to follow (i.e. "When you say/ do ___; I feel ___"). In Don't Be So Defensive, Ellison creates a formula to use questions, statements, and limit setting, so that they are adaptable to individuals, respecting the reality of our diversity. I believe that if enough people read this book, and work with its principles, we can change the world!