Surviving an Affair

I suvived my ordeal by following the advice in Dr. Harley's book as well as on his web site www.marriagebuilder.com. I had an affair several months ago. I was totally confused, devastated, depressed, and thought about suicide. I tried looking for help but most people are not sympathetic toward the wayward spouse. I learned about Dr. Harley and was comforted to know that he understands the wayward spouse's feeling and point of view. I followed his advice regarding total separation from my lover valuable- it was the hardest thing in the world to do- I loved him and the thought of never communicating with him devastated me. But I am so glad in retrospect that I lived throught the withdrawel. I now have a better relationship with my husband, and after three months of not communicating with my lover, I can now see the affiar for the mistake that it was. I am very grateful to Dr. Harley- his iron-clad policy regarding total separation with my lover was absolutely right! I highly recommend this book especailly if, like myself, you are having an affair and would like advice on what to do next. I understand your pain and struggle. Trust me, buy this book, or at least go to his website and read the articles. You might think that total separtion from your lover is impossible. Trust me, the pain was excruciating, but it was it. I saved my marriage and my life. And you can save yours.

I bought this book because I have no less than THREE different friends whose marriages are suffering the effects of affairs--all of them emotional, not physical. Some of the other reviews cite that the examples are unrealistic, but I found that many, many of the details (including the long-suffering faithful husband) are exactly what my friends are experiencing. Furthermore, this book helped me gain a little insight into why two of the cheating spouses have expressed no regret--that the faithful spouse needs to honestly assess how he/she may have contributed to the marriage being vulnerable in the first place. This book has been helpful as I have sought to help my friends, for different parts have been directly applicable to their situations and have provided practical help. There are no happy endings--yet--but the clear advice in this book is helping them to gain some sense of clarity as they hear that there are others with similar situations, feelings and struggles. It is also helping them gain stability as the book gives specific suggestions on steps to take. Note that at no point in the book do the authors guarantee that a marriage will be rebuilt. It is a given assumption throughout the book that a marriage can only be rebuilt if both husband and wife are willing to try.

This is a great book to read for married couples that want to stay together after an affair. My husband who had an intimacy issue said he learned more about relationships from this one book than he did in his entire life.I learned alot also, especially about Love Busters (my main problem). I recommend this to anyone trying to deal with the pain of an affair. I also recommend his other books for those in a marriage or serious relationship that want to prevent this kind of pain.My husband and I are planning our future and loving each other. He is now the type of husband I always dreamed he could be.

My wife and I survived an affair - I was the 'victim' but in a way there can be no victims in an affair. Both of you must be aware of each others needs and become professionals at meeting them better than anyone else can. I know what it is like to feel betrayed - I survived it and my marriage is fortified for having had the experience. I have read the negative reviews here on this book, and I must tell you that I understand their frustration and they are due their pain and anger, but not at this book, it's authors or the power it has to bring your life back to a place where you can live it with your spouse. I never thought I'd find an ordinary world again, but with counseling, understanding, knowledge and the teachings of Dr. Harley (see his other books too!) I did, my wife did, and we hold each other closer than we ever have before. I'm sorry there is a reason for you to look into this book, but have hope - you will feel better when you learn what it teaches you about your spouse's needs and how a marriage must function to maintain those needs. The book also will NOT make the cheating spouse feel like a criminal, and posts many insights from their point of view. This is something those of us cheated ON will perhaps not have much sympathy for but there is A LOT for us to learn from it. The affair is a drug in the cheater's blood - they are prisoners in a cycle that people have fallen victim to since marriage began. They will eventually see the light, but they must do this with their own eyes. By following Harley's advice you can create the best environment for this.

Surviving an Affair is the description of a trip from how a seemingly `OK' marriage can deteriorate to a full-blown affair, and it provides a detailed roadmap of how to survive the affair and eventually recover, hopefully with the renewal of the marriage. This book encompasses the behavioral approaches that Dr. Harley and Dr. Chalmers have successfully used to save marriages, and applies them directly to the affair. The elements that are covered in some of Dr. Harley's other works (`Give and Take' and `Love Busters') are included here. This book presents a balanced viewpoint of the betrayer's view as well as the betrayed (and even presents the view of the other man/woman). If you're in an affair, either as the betrayed spouse or the betrayer; I strongly recommend this book. It explains the atmosphere that leads up to an affair, and it vividly illustrates how an affair SHOULD end. Most affairs don't end this way; instead, they linger on with the spouse having the affair unable to make a decision. All the while, the betrayed spouse and the children suffer tremendously. But there is hope. This book gives a great deal of insight in to the mechanics of the affair, and it describes how the `betrayed' can hang on through the worse experience of their life to eventually come to a point where reconciliation is possible.The recovery process outlined in this book is also very detailed. Some of it seems `silly' or trivial at times, but it is important and it really can work (I'm in a marriage that is proof of that). An affair is Hell. This is a roadmap to get back from Hell.