Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

As a 37-year old woman who has lived with a borderline mother since birth -- but who did not know it until recently -- this book is outstanding. When I read this book I kept saying to myself "how do they know that?", because what the authors write is exactly what happens - taking onboard all the negative self-misperceptions that result from a BPD mother's twisted idea of acceptable child raising, living with a mother who is incapable of emotional warmth and the subsequent fallout for children in terms of insecurity and the "am I going crazy?" dilemma, and the "jekyl and hyde" nature of BPD in terms of outsiders never knowing or accepting how crazy and chaotic life inside the home really is. This was a difficult book to read, yet compelling reading. For the first time in my own life I felt understood for what I suffered as a child of a BPD mother -- and that's AFTER a couple of years of therapy (which was very helpful). This book, however, is even better than therapy. It achieved in one week what therapy did not achieve in two years -- it validated my experience as real, and I realised I am not alone. There are many, many other adults who have suffered the same fate -- and survived. If you have, or suspect you have, a BPD mother, read this book. Read it now. I'm not saying it will be easy to read, but you will not regret it.

Excellent book! After 50 years and a graduate education in psychology, I couldn't see the reality of my own (step) mother. Once I suspected, I ordered this book and couldn't put it down. My copy is full of underlining, side comments and sticky-notes. Chapters are easy to follow and include information, respect for one's own experience, and tools for making changes when you're ready. The book helped me to deal with my sense of guilt and over-responsibility, especially now that my parent is terminally ill. There's a fabulous quote in the book: "I feel sad that my mom is suffering, but I also know that she is the only person that can do anything about it, and she chooses not to . . . I won't allow her to inflict her suffering on me anymore, either." The book includes a realistic, not syrupy, discussion of forgiveness, as well as tools for "grief, acceptance, and overcoming guilt." This book contributed significantly to my ability to take my life back and conduct this difficult relationship on my own terms. Sort of a midlife rite-of-passage.

As the grown child of a woman with BPD, I am forever grateful to the authors of this book for shining a spotlight on this mystifying, tragic, devastating disorder.... Like many of the case studies cited in this book, my own mother behaved quite normally (and acted quite lovingly) toward me from my birth until about the age of four.... Then -- only intermittently at first -- her paranoia and rages began. She started telling me that I hated her(???!) ....She told me that she could "see it in my face".... ....And that and that she wished she could "throw me back" (like a dud fish that's been caught, I guess.) ....Or that she could "lock me in a cage," (like the despicable creature I was to her, I suppose.) She began looking for signs that I was "betraying" her, or "sneering" at her behind her back.... She would study my facial expressions and vocal inflections INTENSELY, looking for any excuse to explode.... And (God help me!!) if I slipped up and allowed myself the luxury of a NEUTRAL facial expression (instead of a continuous smile), or did not answer her with a properly "enthusiastic" voice, there would be HELL to pay. By the time I reached the age of six, my life had BECOME a living hell.... With no way out.... (My dad, by the way, was an extremely passive man (...he had been severely abused himself, as a child, by a domineering mother...), and he offered NO resistance to my mother when she would target me for abuse.) * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * I'd like to say a word, here, if I may about the subject of "compassion".... While I truly DO feel sympathy for my mother (and the horrific psychological abuse she suffered herself as a child), I do NOT feel empathy toward her.... In my view, it is FAR too lenient to say, "well, she simply couldn't help herself," because she COULD. My mother could turn her rages and sadistic behavior on & off like a light switch.... She would INSTANTLY become "normal" the moment ANOTHER PERSON entered the room.... (....another person, other than my dad, that is....) * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * This element of SELF-CONTROL is THE overlooked piece of the puzzle when studying BPD, in my opinion.... People who "suffer" from this disorder KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY'RE DOING when they behave in a sadistic manner.... ....And they possess the evil genius not only to HIDE it in front of other people, but to actually CONVINCE others that THEY, THEMSELVES are the "helpless victim" of the person whom they are targeting for such unspeakable abuse. * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * If you're a grown child of a BPD parent, my love and best wishes go out to you.... ....You are a "war veteran" in EVERY sense of the word, and your psychic landscape no doubt looks something like downtown Fallujah!! Take care of yourself, and stay strong.

I gave up on highlighting the pertinent passages in this book - every word of it applied perfectly to my realtionship with my mother. This book gives you the validation you probably never had, and gives solid, practical ways to overcome the effects of growing up with a BPD parent. The examples sited in the book could have been lifted from my journal. It was tremendously healing and empowering to finally learn that the behavior I endured as a child is actually part of a mental illness, and that I/we are not alone anymore. I cannot express effectively how much peace this book brought to me. You will not be disappointed.

Wonderful & Practical!!!!!Kimberlee and Freda's book draws on the insights of previous books concerning people in relationship with those who have borderline personality disorder. Having read this wonderful and very practical book, I can see why Randi Kreger wrote the forward. As I read this book, I saw a very good but non-technical theme throughout the book. The term is never used, but the issue of co-dependency is addressed. Also, the way out is clearly outlined. While written for adult children of parents with bpd, I see two more audiences to benefit from this book. First, the children of those with this personality disorder who still live at home can benefit from this book. If used wisely by the non-bpd parent and/or the therapist of the family's children, it could help them greatly. Second, those whose mother-in-law or father-in-law have this disorder will find practical help here in dealing with very challenging 'toxic in-laws.' Thank you very much for writing this book.Sincerely,John