Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior

It's pretty obvious that someone who thinks it's all right to push and slap women, order women around like a drill sergeant does, and expect complete obedience isn't going to be a candidate for any self-help book to develop a better relationship. But some men who behave that way are shocked when their girl friend or wife leaves, calls the police, and begins legal proceedings . . . and those men want to restore the relationship, even if it means they have to change. If such a man is willing to enter a group that works on overcoming those behaviors and the attitudes that lie behind them, Stop Hurting the Woman You Love can be a very helpful resource. Mr. Donaldson and Mr. Flood have considerable experience in assisting men to make this kind of transition through their work as directors of the Men's Resource Centers in Holland and Grand Rapids, Michigan. Most of the men they see are sent to the centers by a court after having been found to be criminally abusive. From that background, the authors create some fictional types that represent the kinds of men who become abusers. I recognized several of the types among men I know what have abused their wives. They then do a fine job of explaining how these men see what's going on . . . and how those faulty views of reality get the men (and the women they love) into trouble. This material is presented in straightforward language, and I doubt if anyone will find a confusing message anywhere in the book. Once having looked at abusers, the reader is invited to find out about himself through a self-assessment built from attitudes and behaviors. You are then guided to identify your primary style of interacting with women and your family. The rest of that chapter explores pathways to escaping from vicious cycles of abuse for that kind of person. Cleverly, the authors allow no escape from confronting what might be done: There's even a category for the respondents who don't find anything wrong in themselves during the self-assessment. The book has lots of practical advice such as how to give yourself a time-out before your anger spills over into abuse. The authors also help readers understand where their attitudes and behaviors come from and what emotions their anger is masking. Finally, the book helps refocus the reader on seeing the relationship from both the female and male perspectives at the same time. I particularly enjoyed reading the reference to research about how long-term relationships are based on five positive things done for every somewhat negative one. Why not shoot for a higher ratio than that? I couldn't help but feel that a lot of the abusers described here were living in a fantasy world when they got married, a world in which the best traits of their mothers and most stimulating girl friends were going to be combined into one woman who provided lots of mothering, attention, and irresponsible pleasure for the men while the children take care of themselves. I have mixed f

Often self help books such as this one - 'Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior' - are either so beyond the scope of the casual reader that they are dismissed after the first chapter or two, or they are so simplistic that they seem like a milked out one-liner pushed into book form for profit for the writer. Not so with this particular book. In its rather brief, easily digestible, non-threatening manner authors Charlie Donaldson, Randy Flood and Elaine Eldridge have created a manual that is easily readable, supportive, and one with effective management of the progression of topics that will be a true asset to the many men who are caught in the web of spousal abuse. Using plain language instead of psycho-speak, the authors offer ways to recognize abusive behavior, usable and effective patterns to alter that behavior, and the all important supportive sense that any man who is 'man enough' to take charge of his life (that life including a constant state of misusing and misunderstanding inherent anger) can find a much needed level of behavior modification with all the associated rewards that accompany the work the authors clearly outline. The book contains weights and measures tables to assist the reader in self-evaluation and then follows those tasks with sound steps to alter the problematic abusive behavior. For this reader the difference in the style of writing is the degree of supportive measures that accompany each phase of 'healing', steps that do not pamper the 'patient' but instead take a hard and realistic look at a potentially serious topic and then treat the reader with respect, examples and encouragement. The only problem with this helpful guide is that it is written solely for heterosexual couples: the next edition will hopefully acknowledge the fact that same sex couples need to be included in the panorama of partner abuse. This is a serious omission that needs correcting. Grady Harp, October 06

It may seem strange that a woman would read and review this book but there is very good information in here for anyone touched by abuse. I even found it helpful as a mother of a son who is trying to raise her son to be able to express emotions, something that the book discusses as helpful. This book is very readable and practical. The advise on "time-out" is very helpful and is important for women in an abusive relationship to understand that when men walk away, it is probably a good thing. Chapter 6 on "What Kind of Man am I" is a great tool and Chapter 10 on "Loving Relationships" provides a nice positive alternative for building a healthy relationship, which is not something that is intuitive or obivous but can be learned! All in all, a very important book.

I am very grateful for this book my friend gave me. It is very helpful and I believe it could help other abusers, or any man who wants to get rid of a controlling pattern and enjoy true intimacy with his partner. I think I started my real change after I finished my first reading of this book. Before that moment, I danced around with a lot of false beliefs such as both are responsible, she also needs to change... As a result I made very little progress in that three months though I wanted to change at the very beginning. Now I understand that recovery for abusers will take life-long efforts. To avoid relapse requires us to keep an ongoing recovery, and help others. I hate abuse, and I want to share with other people who may be struggling with this issue, and unable to uncover their masks. I encourage friends to focus on abusiveness itself, stop accusing your partner, and spend time in knowing yourself better. We may have a fear deep in heart, or a sense of insecurity. And we may tend to transform them into anger and control women to make us feel better temporally. We may think we are entitled to "lead" the family, or we may deserve more respect since we have done much... Find something in this book, which I would highly recommend as an excellent resource.

Having worked with hundreds of survivors of domestic violence, I can say that this book so clearly outlines the complexity of the issues that can be present for men who are abusive to their partners. The book doesn't present a one-size fits all approach, but takes into account the wide range of factors that go into the cause of abusive behavior. It also presents an understanding of the kinds of treatment that can most effectively engage an abusive partner in a way that he will be able to integrate the information and make the necessary changes. This is an excellent book for professionals, for women struggling with an abusive spouse, and, most importantly, for any man who believes he may have issues with power and control. I would highly recommend it as an excellent resource!