Stepfamilies: Love, Marriage, and Parenting in the First Decade

This book is fantastic. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist and am in a blended family. Dr. Bray, through his research, hit on every troublesome topic known to stepfather families, discussed them thoroughly and then made accurate, wise suggestions for conquering them. His writing style is great for laypersons and refreshing for professionals. So many self-help books are like eating sand but I read this book in less than one day. If you are considering DATING AFTER DIVORCE, read this book. If you are engaged to remarry, you and your future spouse need to read this book. It will save you GREAT heatache. Do NOT enter into a remarriage without educating yourself as to what you are getting yourself and your children into!

I am the child of parents who have been married almost 40 years, but my spouse endured several divorces as a child. I have learned that I am in the minority by having my parents together for so long and that there are some things I just do not understand about the dynamics of divorce. With this book I was able to gain some insight as to the experiences my husband has had. What I learned has given me a greater understanding of him and a greater sensitivity in dealing with his background. This book is not just for stepfamilies.

After having two children, I divorced my husband, and a short while later married a very loving and caring man. Instinctively I knew that he should hold back until the children were able to blend him into their lives, and so within two years, and after the birth of another child, our family did indeed fall into one of the family structures of the book. In hindsight it was good to know that I handled it the right way, though I wish I had this information beforehand to guide me.My second husband passed away 10 years later and this time when I remarried the family dynamics were totally different. I was frustrated that I could not duplicate the previous family and fortunately after reading the book and seeing that there were other legitimate family structures, I was able to enjoy this new one.I think the book is a definate read for anyone that is marrying into a blended family and needs to understand its dynamics. Because the book spans many years, it creates an long term understanding from the children's point of view, so that the marriage is not a source of constant conflict.All parents embarking on this complicated and constantly changing blended family dynamics should read the book. It may make life just a bit more tolerable.

I read this book -- and about 20 others -- along with going to 'professional family counselors' and our local pastor because I wanted to 'break the cycle' of disfunction and divorce in which I found myself and young son entangled. I was raised in a blended stepfamily since the age of two. My son was on his way to becoming a stepson at the age of six. I wanted for us to have a more successful family, and for my son to enjoy his childhood more than I (or my two full- and two half- siblings) did. Nearly all of my siblings, cousins, and parental figures are divorced or unhappily married; anyone can see my problem is 'where do I turn for good, useful, success-based advice!?!' During my quest, what I have found is that most 'clinical' books and 'family psychologists' are pleased and (unfortunately) overly-fascinated with judging and labelling what is wrong with people, but have absolutely no clue about real-life solutions people could use to independently solve problems and build strong families. Other books blame the problems strictly on a lack of morals and strong traditional religious foundation. I found Dr. Bray's book to be not only insightful, but also very comforting, helpful, hopeful, and inclusive. His insights about what makes various types of blended stepfamilies work well -- albiet, over time -- were the most appropriate and helpful comments I have encountered. He describes ways he observed folks successfully handle controlling and manipulative ex-spouses and children (of both genders); how the stepfamily changes as the children grow into adolescence; how to deal with such issues as sexuality and emotional intimacy; how successful extended/blended families of various types (step-mothers, step-fathers, step-grandparents, etc.)envisioned and created happy futures; and what to do when ex-spouses suddenly decline to visit their children. Again, most other work on stepfamilies and children I read focused on the 'thing' issues such as labelling behavior as 'narcissistic' or 'abhorent' and trying to convince readers they need to rush in to get expensive and extensive psychotherapy, or just shush-be-grateful and accept their lives as-is. Dr. Bray's work focus' on "okay, you're who you are, now lets provide you the tools to help you - yourself - figure out how you can help make an extended family work... plus, let's expose you to the hard lessons from families that failed to thrive so that you have a chance to correct your course of action."If you feel you are a competent adult who wants competent expert guidance, not psychotherapy (because you're NOT mentally ill, you just want some 'family-building' advice for goodness sake) this book is for you!

This book very clearly details the specific issues that my step family has been dealing with over the past three years. This is not a how-to book. However, it does offer much reassurance for stepfamilies who are struggling to define the roles within their familiy. The book states that the first two years are the hardest. That was wonderful to read. I thought our family was going break up because we weren't operating smoothly immediately. But just as the book describes, after two horrifically emotionally painful years, we turned a corner and the rewards are tremendous. This book is an invaluable resource for stepfamilies and easy to read to boot. My husband will tell anyone that I am the original tightwad, yet I am buying two copies to pass on to friends. Read it.