Standing the Watch: Memories of a Home Death

Note: as with other reviews I've written about books authored from very personal experiences, this one should be considered unrated, as I don't assign numbers to such accounts.The author's initial experience with death was of a double absence: she not only lost her father, but was prevented from seeing him or even speaking about her feelings to her family. If this level of silencing is somewhat unusual, bear in mind that the American phobia of death has motivated a clinical-medical bureaucracy designed to make this most final of departures clean and pretty. (In Southern California we even have Forest Lawn, a kind of Disneyland of Death, where the fast food paradigm has been applied to the managing of passed-on loved ones.) What it does instead is hold the dying at a distance while traumatizing those who survive. Much of this book was written during the author's caretaking of her father-in-law as he lay ill, sometimes comfortable and sometimes in pain. It is not a book to entertain or philosophize, but to reveal what such an experience can be like: the details to tend, the feelings that surface, the constant struggles against laws written to protect people from getting close to death's unpleasantness. For the author, "standing the watch" was a way to deepen her connections with her patient as well as with her husband and family members. It also allowed her to deal with the unfinished pain around her previous inability to properly mourn her father.Some among the existential philosophers have insisted that we all die alone. That is often true given the legal and medical and psychological isolation of the dying in our death-fearing culture. But what's so often taken as a normal state of the end of an existence need not be. The man tended by a woman who started life as a war orphan and the son who married her died at home in the presence of loving family members who took the time to see him off. For him this was a great gift, and for them a reminder to seize the time while refusing to let our pioneer cult of individuality keep us from exploring those healthy interdependencies that make life worth valuing enough to end on a note of dignity.

During a recent online search, I met Rebecca Brown, who offered me the opportunity to review Standing The Watch. I approached Standing The Watch with great interest, and was immediately drawn to this tiny family, a husband and wife, and his elderly father, sharing a piece of land with a dog who is more like a family member than a pet. This wife is Rebecca Brown, and these are her memories. As we accompany Lincoln Brown in his journey through the Shadow of Death, his daughter-in-law shares the wisdom gained from the experience of Standing The Watch for her much loved Elder. A vivid sense of humour is evident in the liberally scattered and light-hearted ancedotes. This is surely a tribute to a tradition that is sadly lacking in much of our modern day society. The author is as honest in her assessment of the professionals in modern society as she is fiercely tender in her regards toward her much loved Poppa, her husband David Brown, and the supportive online friends who stuck with both her and her husband through this troublesome and exhausting time.I was able to look back upon sitting with my own elder and sharing with her this part of her journey. I was blessed to know that she left with no remorse, or regret. "By attending death with the same seriousness as birth we learn how to die. We gather around to welcome new life, yet disappear when a loved-one signals it's time to die. This is why you must make space in your schedule for writing Standing The Watch", said one of the women in her support system. What a gift we have received, and what a lesson we can take from the experience of Rebecca Brown and her husband.Standing The Watch is a compelling endorsement for home death, as well as a lesson in the social, financial and psychological impact of death, providing a list of books that deal with many of life's more difficult issues including grief. A short, but fascinating eulogy pays tribute to the life of this most endearing man who's epitaph reads, HERE LIES A GOOD MAN.

Helping a friend or loved one through their final transition is one of life's most rewarding treasures. As a hospice nurse I consider midwifing death a challenge with a payoff in unmeasurablly rich emotional & spiritual experiences. Rebecca takes us on her journey thru her deathing gift to "Poppa" and lets us see the healing, the insights & the blessings a Home Death can be. She artfully weaves her history, Popa's story & current bedside happenings. The humor of willful equipment balances frustrations with the medical system and the clergy. The long hours keeping watch & the fearfulness of managing cardiac pain are authentically detailed from her journal. This story is very timely with so many families taking on the challenge of a Home Death and Rebecca's articulate and folksy writing style make for a very readable and fascinating tale.

STANDING THE WATCH grew out of the logs I had to keep for the State & the home health nurses, emails with my friends who gathered around me, & essays & memories of when I took care of my beloved father-in-law in the last years of his long-lived life.You know how death can be a conversation-stopper! It came into my adopted family's home in London, England, when I was 15, & my father died after a long illness, at home in his bed. While my mother told me I was too young to participate, I thought much about dying & death. I learnt it was a taboo subject, as if dying was like getting an F in life.In the early 1990s on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington State, I married a man who had promised his father that he would take care of him for the rest of his life. As we homesteaded in the rainforest, I felt I was being given a second chance at both having a father in my life again, & being gifted with participating in Standing The Watch for a loved-one.STANDING THE WATCH takes you gently into my world as my elder lies dying. You will read about my fears & joys, anger & affection, as well as precious funny moments. Day by day, memory after memory, you will be at my side during one of the most difficult & thrilling times in the life of a family."Soon more people will have matured into eldership than ever before. No matter our ethnic roots, our age will make us a majority. No one gets out of life alive, so how then will we choose to die?"I have written STANDING THE WATCH as if you have come to tea to listen to the memories of Poppa's enjoyment of living in a cabin he helped build, relish his companion Buddy-dog, & enjoy his golden years until he begins to experience dramatic & painful "heartburn" episodes.If you are facing the death of your parents, or a loved-one. If you are undecided about taking care of them. If the idea of dying worries you - then reading STANDING THE WATCH will give you some comfort & some idea of what you will face in the future. It will answer many of your questions about death, dying and what a home death is like.While STANDING THE WATCH is about Poppa's final thirteen days, it is also my tribute to all parents. I hope it brings you tears, laughter & comfort when your time comes to step forward & Stand The Watch for your parents.

I am always surprised how few people realize the sacredness of death, what an honor and privilege it is to be present at that moment. By participating in the death of a loved one, by attending to their death with the same seriousness of purpose as their birth, we learn how to die. After all, who else teaches us? How else do we learn? I like STANDING THE WATCH because it faces death head on. Rebecca Brown pulls no punches. Since we are all going to die, and know people who will die before us, this is definitely a book to keep within easy reach.