Special Siblings: Growing Up with Someone with a Disability

First of all, I really wish that people who have not grown up with a disabled sibling would not write negative reviews of this book because they just don't know what it is like. My sister had polio and her illness and subsequent operations took all of my families' resources both financial and emotional. I grew up thinking that I was unimportant and that maybe if I was sick too, I would get attention. My earliest thoughts were those of wishing that I would just die so I didn't have to feel so bad/guilty all the time. Kids that grow up with disabled siblings often feel that they did something wrong to cause the disability. My middle sister and I both felt that way, yet we weren't even born when it happened.Ms. McHugh has written an incredibly honest book that will be greatly appreciated by anyone else in this situation. We live in a world of silence and isolation, how can you ever complain when you can walk, talk, hear, etc. You would be considered extremely selfish. The life of a sibling of a disabled person is very distorted.Thank you, Ms. McHugh for your courage.

I bought this book because I have a child with a disability, and I wanted to do what I can to be helpful to my three other children. It was a wonderful read! It reassured me, which is something all mothers need a lot of. It also reminded me that vigilance about sibling excesses is in order. After reading it, I reminded my children that they don't have to grow up to be superstars in some kind of effort to compensate for what my one child lacks.I enjoyed the author's willingness to be so honest about her feelings, yet even when revealing negative feelings, she asserted a positive spin by contrasting her feelings with more positive feelings of others. It's clear that much of her difficulty had to do with being raised in a different time -- when there was little help, and when disability was considered shameful and secret. My favorite section of this book is the discussion of the common phenomenon of siblings entering the helping professions as adults. She has a fresh and interesting take on this topic.

It's been called life's longest relationship, and our bond with our siblings usually is just that. Who else could witness our joys and sorrows and put their arms around us through all of life's seasons? With whom else will we share such conflicted feelings of love, hate, rivalry, and reconciliation for so long? To a large extent the biblical tragedy of Cain and Abel haunts every family and every generation. Therefore learning to navigate and face these intense and uncomfortable feelings is a passageway to a healthy adulthood. As if hurt, resentment, anger, and rage aren't enough, the family crucible is even more complex when a sibling is born with or develops a disability. Parents struggle to be fair to the special and unique needs of each child. Typically developing children watch their parents struggle and feel their own grief as well for what might have been-along with embarrassment and guilt. In the new revised edition of Special Siblings: Growing Up with Someone with a Disability, Mary McHugh helps readers to understand that life's inequities are unavoidable. "Children who grow up with a brother or sister with a disability learn early that life is unfair," says Mary McHugh, an accomplished writer and the sibling of Jack, a man with cerebral palsy and mental retardation. "They have to learn that often the child with the disability must come first; they must face the fact that not everyone will want to be their friend because of the sibling with the disability; they must learn to accept that people will often stare at their brothers and sisters.... My advice for them is all these things are hard lessons to learn but they make you strong enough to deal with anything life presents you with when you are an adult." McHugh's research for this book included interviews with more than 100 siblings - in their teens, 20's 30's and 40's - of people with special needs in an effort to understand her own feelings. Her inquiries show that they share more than a brother or sister with a disability. "Growing up with a special sibling makes you compassionate and kind to every human being you meet; it makes you a good problem solver; it makes you tolerant of religious differences, racial differences, other disabilities, old people, etc. It often makes you an achiever who works to make the world a better place. In short, you will probably be the kind of person other people want as a friend." As Don Meyer, director of the Sibling Support Project, at Children's Hospital of Seattle writes, "In her remarkably wise book, Mary McHugh masterfully blends her experiences and the experiences of others with insights from clinical research. Although McHugh doesn't shy away from the troublesome aspects of sibling relationships, Special Siblings also describes the remarkable attributes seen in many brothers and sisters of people with special needs." Throughout the book, as Brookes Publishing outlines, McHugh explores the spectrum of feelings- from anger and guilt to l

I wish my ex-husband would read this book! I would like to think that siblings of families today have a better time of it--but everything Mary said fit in exactly with my ex-husband's family. And the issues begun in childhood carried into adulthood and affected all his relationships! Mary writes very honestly about the ambivalence (which may be too mild a word) of living with a sibling with a disability. The guilt, the anger, the loss of attention....it was all there for him, just as it happened to Mary.

=Special Siblings= is a small masterpiece focusing on both the world of the developmentally disabled and the often-forgotten world of their ``normal'' siblings. McHugh's unflinchingly honest, warm, empathetic look at the mixed emotions and unique responsibilities ``normal'' siblings face should be a standard reference book not only for those working with the developmentally disabled, but everyone out there who knows someone with a special sibling...and everyone out there who doesn't.