Silent Sorority: A Barren Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found

There aren't many resources out there for those of us who opt to leave the infertility treatment path and live without children (as opposed to those who are childfree by choice in the first place). There are a few Internet sites and message boards, and a few (very few) books devoted specifically to this subject -- most of them written in the 1980s & early 1990s. And a lot has changed since those books were written. Whereas once upon a time, the choice for infertile couples was stark & clear -- adopt or remain childless/free -- the options available to them have multiplied almost exponentially. Thanks to birth control, it's now easier for women who don't want to have children to remain childfree -- and an increasing number of them are doing so -- sometimes quite vocally. At the same time, the public's seemingly endless cult-like fascination with the pregnant bellies and all things mommy, pregnancy and baby-related has, if anything, only intensified -- as has the growing outspokeness of those who are childfree by choice. No wonder it sometimes feels as though the voices of women (like me) who are living without children after infertility are getting lost in the cacaphony, struggling to be heard above the din. That's why I was so happy to recently receive & read my copy of Silent Sorority. For me, finding Pamela's blog on the Internet a few years ago was like stumbling into an oasis in the middle of a desert, and her book continues the good work of her blog. Silent Sorority describes Pamela's personal journey, from girlhood to the present, the influences that shaped her life choices, her valiant 11-year struggle to have a family, her painful decision to remain childfree, her resolve to create a new kind of meaningful life for herself and her husband as a family of two, and her sharp-eyed, sometimes hilarious observations about what it's like to be infertile in a world gone mad for babies & pregnant women. The hard truth is, not all infertility stories end with a baby. But that doesn't mean there isn't a happy ending. Maybe it's just a different kind of happy ending than we've all been programmed to expect. While this book will bring great hope & comfort to women like Pamela & me, who have found themselves involuntarily childless at the end of their infertility journey (however long or short it may have been), or those contemplating such a future for themselves, it deserves a much broader audience. Anyone who has ever struggled with infertility, past or present, will recognize themselves in the pages of this book, no matter how they choose to resolve their situation. Fertile people also have a great deal to learn from Pamela's story.

Silent Sorority is not only a "great read"....it is a very enlightening book. I read the entire book in a few hours and found it very compelling. Written with honesty, grace and humor, Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos tackles the very sensitive topic of infertility in a straightforward and factual way. The author has a very readable and enjoyable writing style that engages the reader even when the topic is of a more medical nature. This is a book about a woman who has faced a tremendous challenge -- and emerged on "the other side" with a renewed, refocused and reinvigorated outlook on life. It is about the resilience of the human spirit. So often, in books about infertility, we read only about the tremendous strain put upon the marriage by the years of disappointment and treatment. The author shows us that not all marriages deteriorate with stress. Her marriage is one of great support, care and love between the two partners. I would recommend this book to anyone who has ever faced an obstacle (who hasn't) and wondered "why me?"

I'm so glad someone wrote this book! While the publishing industry spews out dozens, if not hundreds of titles a year that wind up with Baby and Happily Ever After, there's nothing for the large minority -- or maybe it's a majority? -- of people the fertility industry failed. This book tells the whole story, the peaks and valleys -- of that journey. Can a book that ends without a baby have a happy ending? A resounding yes. Like the author, I also wound up without children, though due to different circumstances. Dealing with that private loss is one thing, dealing with the social stigma is ten times worse. I hope that this book is the beginning of a sea change in a baby-frenzied culture. Octomom brought home to the wider world that being a Mom isn't necessarily a thing to be admired in itself. This book does a great job addressing the invisibility of non-Moms -- the author identifies as Infertile -- but women who wound up without for other reasons will also relate. Why is 70% of all public conversation kid chatter? Where did manners go? I hope this book brings some awareness to wider society that there's a pretty large group of people out there who aren't just being marginalized, but often maligned simply because they couldn't/didn't reproduce. This book is incredibly well-written, snappy, funny irreverent as well as moving. The author takes us through the steps of shock, grief, hope, anger, denial and acceptance. The denial part really hit home with me -- you kind of have to park yourself there for a while, it takes some time to accept your fate. What this book doesn't do is tell you "six easy steps" -- or how to "fix your attitude" to your childless state. Thank God! For me it was much better to hear the inside thoughts of someone who's gone through the same, or similar trials I have, and how she's found a way to be in the world. Bravo!

Hiding out in public bathrooms? You're not alone. Subjected to celebratory baby bump chatter around the water cooler? Not alone. Feeling left out of experiencing one of life's biggest milestones? Not alone. Struggling to make peace with never getting to be a bio parent? Not alone. Grappling with the overall ignorance and indifference towards infertility? Not alone. Learning to embrace the next stage without having to save up for a college fund? Not alone. Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos represents a side of infertility that has been insultingly overlooked in the literary world: her story doesn't end with a bouncing baby, instead it's delves into the heart and mind of an involuntarily childless woman. Those just starting down the fun infertility rabbit hole may find her outcome scary because she ended up on the other side of hope... until she found new dreams for which to hope. She shares a truth about advanced reproductive technologies (ART)--sometimes they just don't work. Actually, make that oftentimes they don't work. And adoption isn't just the simple panacea the general public seems to believe will soothe the Infertile's broken heart. Those of us who have suffered silently through the trials of infertility due to its still-present public stigma, viscerally crave our plight to be understood. And it's no easy task to convey what it's like to struggle with infertility in a world where today's "news" involves glaring headlines about the latest celebutante who, oopsie, managed to get knocked up by her boyfriend of several months--yet convey she does. Not only will "Infertiles" find comforting validation reading and relating to this author's (decade-long!) struggle with trying to conceive, but hopefully "Fertiles" will be enlightened about the pain their sisters in the IF (infertility) world must face. Mrs. Tsigdinos delivers her message with a resonant voice that clearly depicts for the public at large what it's like to ride the IF roller coaster while reassuring us "Infertiles" that we are not alone. In truth, having recently joined her in the same "involuntarily childless" boat, it was a bittersweet experience to hunker down with her book. Let's face it; I'm a tad raw regarding this subject matter. However, I was so grateful to read a kindred-spirit's insights while I shed many cathartic tears. As she intimately and honestly chronicled her heart wrenching path going from failure to conceive, to hopeful for a different kind of future than she ever designed, she gave me a newfound hope as I struggle to cross the threshold into the next stage of our lives. This book is an important read for every single person out there--in the infertile world or otherwise (despite the potential discomfort one may feel reading about the infertility travails she endured). Because guess what? You may not know it, but the likelihood is great that you DO know someone who is silently suffering through the pain of a childless empty nest. Just as we should be sensitive

I read Silent Sorority in one sitting and came away feeling that it's about much more than coping with infertility: It addresses how one goes about coming to terms with any life-changing loss. The author approaches her painful topic with humor and an occasional dash of acerbic wit. She also has a wonderful website on the same topic: coming2terms.com