Remembering Well: Rituals for Celebrating Life and Mourning Death

Death is one of the most traumatic experience in our lives. Even the deaths of strangers affects us in unusual, sometimes unpredictable ways. The death of those close to us, family and friends, can leave us with questions, emotions and emptiness hard to comprehend. Yet, there are ways to deal with these; religion has rituals, families have traditions, cultures have cycles, allowances and expectations, yet we still need more.This book by Sarah York puts an order to the chaos. Written primarily for those in caring professions (pastors and priests, health-care workers, etc.) or even for those who have expectation for the approaching death of friends or family members, the book can be rewarding to any reader, as death is one of the facts of life we will all face in a myriad of ways.York infuses her discussions with her personal experiences as well as professional experiences. She talks about the various ways in which religion looks to care for the departed as well as those left behind, in terms of memorials, committals, and other services. She also looks at the emotional and relationship aspects, both when family and friends are close-knit as well as when there are distances and estrangements. Through stories of people, York teaches and guides by example. She shows the specifics of how to help in the case of a suidice, the death of an infant, a death due to illness, and more. She helps to show how to carve out a space for the family and friends, the wider community, and for the presence of God in the midst of sometimes bewilderingly tragic situations.The final chapter looks at the 'seasons of grief' -- some religions, such as Judaism, have prescribed patterns or rituals to follow for up to a year after the death; in fact, the death of a person stays with us for the rest of our lives, and the more significant the relationship, the more significant that season can be, and more long-lasting in daily life and functioning. While the specific rituals of Judaism cannot appropriately be used out of context of the community and hold the same meaning, the pattern of activity and the pastoral/psychological way in which they function can be easily adapted.York offers three sections of resources, which make this book practical and useful. Prayers, readings, blessings, service forms, even the idea for a 'no-memorial wanted' practice serves to stimulate ideas for the creative and meaningful way in which observe and remember. York's final story in the epilogue is very touching, an almost concrete way of showing how we carry forward those who have passed away in our own lives. This is a stunning book, thoughtful and sensitive, useful and prayerful. My life has been enriched simply through the reading of this text; it will be even more enriched when the times come that they guide my practices and my experiences.

"Remembering Well" is a book about certain subjects -- death and dying, funerals, bereavement and the grieving process - that don't exactly make you want to rush out and read about them. Yet Sarah York, a Unitarian Universalist minister with a tremendous amount of experience, knowledge, and -- even more importantly -- wisdom regarding death, dying, grieving, and "remembering well," has succeeded in writing a book that is at once practical, powerful, poignant, moving, even inspiring. At its heart, "Remembering Well" is not so much about death and dying as it is about life, living, love, and memory. Perhaps its most important lesson is the necessity of allowing time and "sacred space" for those who have experienced a loss to be able to "give voice to their sorrow" and to "remember well" the person who has died. In Sarah York's view, and I couldn't agree more, suppressing strong feelings, or glossing over them, is not a good idea for anyone. In fact, it's very unhealthy and really just asking for trouble down the road. Unfortunately, I have personally been to funerals where almost every one of Sarah York's rules has been violated, where the service was utterly impersonal, or where the religious official running the service took the opportunity to try and impose their religious perspective on the audience, leaving many people (myself included) unsatisfied and even angry. The bottom line here is that although it is not a simple matter to "remember well," it certainly can be done. If you want to find out how, Sarah York's book is a great place to start. I strongly recommend it to everyone!

"Remembering Well" is a carefully crafted book of resources that speaks to each of us. Part of Sarah York's genius is showing us fresh and imaginative ways to involve all mourners in grieving. She takes us well beyond what we've all experienced in typical funerals or memorial services. There are wonderful suggestions and real-life examples on how to create our own rituals, common sense guidelines that aid in dealing with grief and so much more. Ms. York's gentle manner and practical suggestions abound; her book deserves to be in every household.

I purchased the book because I had attended a number of services performed/facilitated by Sarah York. I immediately read Chapter Four and it helped me think things through for myself BEFORE a crisis or difficult time. Then, oddly enough, an event occurred which led me to buy it as a gift for a dear friend. Her mother died after a week's illness and she found herself responsible for planning the memorial service. I was happy to be able to give her something so helpful. I am tempted to keep a small supply of the book handy since these are issues that will inevitably confront many/most of us!

"Remembering Well" opened up a whole new perspective for me, the idea that creating our own traditions and rituals can be, and should be, an ongoing part of our lives. "Remembering Well" helped me deal with the recent loss of a close friend, whose funeral service had been extremely formal and impersonal. Reading "Remembering Well" prompted me to contact other friends of the departed. I learned that they felt the same way about the funeral. We met around a large table for lunch, and took turns talking about our friend. We all felt we knew our departed friend better than before, and at the same time we felt comforted ourselves as we began our own healing process. We made plans for our next gathering, a celebration of our friend's life, on her birthday some months from now, a day that previously we had been dreading, and had planned to ignore. I've given copies of "Remembering Well" to my three grown children and to some close friends. I hope that this gift to them will enlarge their views of life and death, and also their understanding that rituals can provide comfort and peace when we are grieving.