Relational Masks: Removing the Barriers That Keep Us Apart

_Relational Masks_ is an emotionally challenging but excellent book. Before I read the book, I would have given myself high marks for honesty and integrity. I had it in the back of my mind that going through this book would just help me "polish up" my honest character, but the book showed me that much deeper changes were necessary. Willingham is so insightful and direct, that by the time I finished the book, I was in a state of shock. Willingham forced me to see three or four different ways in which I was dishonest: my own "masks" are the Self-Blamer, the Aggressor (an especially ugly mask), and the "Pedigreed" Spiritualizer. He also helped me see how I had damaged key relationships in my life through my dishonesty, including my marriage. It was devastating to my self-image and even (temporarily) de-stabilizing: I was really upset after I finished the book. After I calmed down, I just started trying to be honest in the problem-areas that the book had identified. The patterns of dishonesty were so ingrained that I had to start slowly and just patiently try to improve. The process is ongoing. It is not easy to face a bunch of hard truths about oneself virtually all at once, as Willingham leads the reader to do, but it is certainly good and necessary. Reading this book will not automatically make anyone completely honest, of course, but I am convinced that I have been improved by this book. One paradoxical effect of the book on me is that, even though Willingham is an evangelical Christian who criticizes the use of formal prayers, I ended up taking RCIA classes at the local Roman Catholic Church and became a Catholic on Easter 2009. One should only become a Catholic if he or she really believes that Catholic Christianity is true, but one practical benefit of being Catholic is access to the Sacrament of Confession, which is a great way of keeping oneself honest, as well as a great way to get a clear conscience and peace of mind. I don't expect a very high percentage of the readers of _RM_ to go in the same spiritual direction as I have, but I can recommend it highly. (I doubt that Willingham would approve of this effect of his book on me!) I thank Russell Willingham, and I highly recommend this book, but be ready to be challenged as you read. It's not pleasant, but it is well worth it. One more thing: there is often cynicism about the possibility of people and/or marriages ever really changing or getting better. _Relational Masks_ does hold out hope for personal change and for improvement in our relationships, and the book can be a big help in the process. So have hope, at least if the effort to change is sincere, sustained, and guided by the grace of God.