Reconcilable Differences: Hope and Healing for Troubled Marriages

Judah, Stephen M., Ph.D., Staying Together When an Affair Pulls You Apart, IVP Books. Downers Grove, Il. 2006 Holeman, Virginia Todd, Ph.D., Reconcilable Differences, IVP Books, Downers Grove, Il., 2004 Here are two excellent resources for those of us working with marital couples when one party has had an affair. Stephen Judah quotes the research summary of nine studies that suggest affairs occur more frequently than believed. 50% of all married couples may experience infidelity over the course of their marriage. When couples cohabit, the rates are even higher. Judah looks at the three types of affairs: 1.) Sexual, 2.)Non-penetrating, i.e., no sexual intercourse, and 3.)Affairs of the heart. He notes that even though affairs all differ, they are very much the same when it comes to the impact on the spouse. He discusses at length what he considers to be the main causes of affairs, how they develop over time, the conditions that lead up to an affair, and then what causes someone to cross the line into an active affair. But the major part of the book looks at the healing process couples He begins with a discussion on what to tell and how, then how the process of reconciliation takes place, the correction of the issues that led to the affair, and how to go beyond the pain to see not only the positives still in the marriage, and be able to envision a future beyond the pain. Virginia Holman's books looks at affairs, but goes beyond that subject to deal with other damaging issues that occur in a marriage, what she calls marriages at the crossroads. She talks about our need to grow up on the inside as we grow together as a couple. A major portion of Holman's book looks at seeking and extending forgiveness, how we rebuild trust, and build a new future together. Reconciliation is a major theme of her book, and she uses case studies to show the practical applications of what she is describing. Both authors speak from the perspective of private practice, so what they have written is valuable to the marital counselor, but both are also written in a style that will be helpful to the couple being counseled. They both do an excellent job of weaving together biblical insight with current psychological studies. Holman is now the professor of counseling at Asbury Theological Seminary. Final Note: Telephone and Online Counseling may be a great way to help struggling couples. Learn to Provide Telephone and Online Counseling with this book: The Therapist's Clinical Guide to Online Counseling and Telephone Counseling: The Definitive Training Guide for Clinical Practice

I have read many marriage books and thought this one would just be a retread of suggestions that I had read in tons of other books but this book is a superb blend of theoretical and practical ideas on how couples can get over emotionally painful issues and move on to intimacy. Dr Toddy Holeman has woven stores of betrayal and reconciliation with plain and hopeful biblical and theological truth into a practical book on how real people have reconciled. Here is helpful information for any one who has had a fractured relationship, whether it was a longtime friend, business colleague or other family member. When the betrayal is your spouse it is even more deadly. This excellent book is full of true (hard to believe) stories and how good biblical counseling made the difference. It shows that it may take years of rebuilding but like a broken bone, it can be made stronger than it ever was before over time with lots of prayer and hard work. Dr Holeman has used the best research on forgiveness and made it accessible for anyone to understand. In addition the book contains 2 sections with resources for reconciliation and advice about reconciliation, a glossary, references and a very complete scripture index. It is a book to be trusted. It would be excellent for counselors and pastors working with troubled couples as well as the couples themselves. I feel honored to have been exposed to this wonderful title and will make sure our marriage counselors get first look at it.