Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends

This book gives excellent, practical advice for toiling through 19 stages of recovery in a divorce. Each chapter is unique, and gives homework for the person to work through topics like anger, loneliness, grieving, etc. I found the chapter on dumper/dumpee relationships (grief vs. guilt) and the chapter on love to be the most valuable. Fisher describes many types of love, and allows a confused person to sort out where they and their spouse actually stood with each other, both during and after a marriage. Unravelling confusion is important to anybody going through a divorce. I cannot more strongly recommend this book to anybody who has been dumped by their spouse. Buy it, keep it, and go back to it many times over the months you may be trying to "climb your mountain".

The book "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" was one of the things that really helped me get thru my own divorce process and create a whole new wonderful life. It truly showed me that my feelings and reactions were normal and that they could be worked thru. After all Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti worked with people who were rebuilding their lives after divorce for over 25 years and they ought to know. The book has a style that is very very readable. You can begin at the beginning and read it straight thru or open it to just the chapter that is appropriate for you at that moment, like "Loneliness", "Anger". "Self-Worth", or "Sex". The book is built around the metaphor of climbing a mountain, and you are shown just how achievable it is to successfully rebuild your life one doable step at a time. Once you reach the top of the mountain you experience a wonderful sight of a new you and a new life. As Alberti says, "So prepare yourself for a journey. Pack up your optimism, your hopes for the future. Discard your excess baggage. ---- And the Rebuilding mountain lies ahead for you." If you are only going to buy one book to get yourself thru the divorce process this is the one. I can't recommend this book more highly. Other books I would recommend are "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by Colgrove, Bloomfield, and McWilliams, "Spiritual Divorce" by Debbie Ford, "Life after Divorce" by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, and "Finding Love (Again!)" by Connie Merritt.

This book is a self-help manual for those trying to recover from a divorce, or going through the process of divorce. "Rebuilding" is the feelings that surface during this trying and stressful period of your life are identified. It is comforting to read that we are not alone in our pain and confusion and that given the circumstances, the turmoil you are experiencing is quite normal. As each emotion is explored, the reasons for them are also examined. An example from another who has suffered the same misery is given, then the best part--what we can do with and about those upsetting, hurtful and sometimes hateful feelings that want to pull us under and drown us. The chapter continues to describe the emotional cycles the "dumpers" (the one ending the relationship) and the "Dumpee" (the one being rejected) go through. Fisher and Alberti acknowledge not everyone is going to react the same, but no one escapes the pain. No matter how we are affected, though, we must remember guilt and rejection are tied to feelings of self-worth and self-love. Build up these two areas, and we will be less devastated by life's inevitable rejections. The end of each chapter has a "How Are You Doing?" section. A list of questions will help us think our way through our dilemmas and offer ideas with which we can rebuild our lives. I like this book because it forces us to do something besides sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves. There are ways to work through relationships that end, and we have the power and the tools to do it. We don't have to feel helpless. I like this book because it acknowledges we are not alone with our feelings. There is light at the end of the tunnel. We can go on to live a normal, happy life. It gives us hope.

A friend lent me this book when my husband left me and I was in the depths of dispair. I was reading anything I could find to try and help me understand, but this is the one book that really helped. I latched onto it like a life-preserver to a drowning person. I have read each chapter several times now, and keep getting more out of it as I progress in my healing. I returned my friend's copy and bought my own (which I have now in turn lent to a friend in need.) One of the revelations I found comforting was simply to know what the physical symptoms of grief are - that my sore throat, my aching chest and my dry mouth were all manifestations of my emotional trauma. This book felt like I was talking to a friend who had been there and back, and could take me by the hand through the healing process and help me find my way back to joy. Please read it if you are hurting from the loss of a relationship - it will comfort you a great deal and help you move forward constructively. Then lend it to someone you know who could be helped by it.

In its third printing, this book is a self-help manual for those trying to recover from a divorce, or going through the process of divorce. The first thing I noticed about Rebuilding is the feelings that surface during this trying and stressful period of your life are identified. When we are really suffering, it is hard sometimes, to analyze what we are feeling. Is it pain? Depression? Self-hate? All of the above? It is comforting to read that you learn we are not alone in our pain and confusion and that given the circumstances, the turmoil you are experiencing is quite normal. As each emotion is explored, the reasons for them are also examined. An example from another who has suffered the same misery is given, then the best part--what we can do with and about those upsetting, hurtful and sometimes hateful feelings that want to pull us under and drown us. For example, Chapter 7 looks at the two, " . . . very strong feelings which accompany the trauma of divorce--guilt and rejection. Advice given is to do a self-examination. Do we need to learn new ways of relating to people? Do we realize that feeling rejected is a part of ending any relationship? It's normal. It's natural. There is nothing wrong with us. Whew! If you are the one leaving the relationship, you are probably feeling guilt. You don't want to hurt someone you do or did love. However, say Fisher and Alberti, "To end a love relationship may be appropriate because it has been destructive for both people." Leaving can be a good thing for both people in the relationship. The chapter continues to describe the emotional cycles the "dumpers" (the one ending the relationship) and the "Dumpee" (the one being rejected) go through. Fisher and Alberti acknowledge not everyone is going to react the same, but no one escapes the pain. No matter how we are affected, though, we must remember guilt and rejection are tied to feelings of self- worth and self-love. Build up these two areas and we will be less devastated by life's inevitable rejections. And how do we go about building our self-worth. Chapter 11 tells us how to go about that. The end of each chapter has a "How Are You Doing?" section. A list of questions will help us think our way through our dilemmas and offer ideas with which we can rebuild our lives. I like this book because it forces us to do something besides sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves. There are ways to work through relationships that end, and we have the power and the tools to do it. We don't have to feel helpless. I like this book because it acknowledges we are not alone with our feelings. There is light at the end of the tunnel. We can go on to live a normal, happy life. It gives us hope. Bruce Fisher, Ed.D., (1931-1998) was the founder and director of the Family Relations Learning Center in Boulder, Colorado. He was a divorce therapist, author, teacher and a clinical member of the America