Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood

Everyone who has sons or works with boys would benefit from reading this book. I am really glad I read this book. I just wish I had read it sooner.

This is a book about the pervase, institutionalized child abuse that turns innocent boys with open hearts into shut-down, terrorized creatures of constant shame. It explains beautifully how it is possible that sweet-hearted children, who happen to be male, can grow up into numb dehumanized men, out of touch with affection. It provides one very plausible explanation why so many of our young men are depressed, violent, or substance-addicted. Even if a boy is never raped, hit, or otherwise physically abused, it is possible for him to suffer corrosive abuse that threatens his mental health. Indeed, it is happening right now in millions of homes and schools in North America.The abuse Pollack describes is something we are all tacitly agreeing to impose on our boys and men. It is something we can change, one boy at a time. But doing so requires a new critical view of mainstream norms of masculinity, and the development of awareness of extremely subtle symptoms of emotionally troubled boys. Pollack provides all of this and much more.If you are raising or helping to raise boys, and if you have a clue what it means to have an open heart, and to embrace the full gamut of emotional experience and expression, you need to read this book. You will need the framework it provides for raising boys into open-hearted, strong-hearted men with as much familiarity with love, joy, sorrow, and fear as they have with rage and dirty jokes. You will also need courage, dedication, and willingness to be seen as the local lunatic who allows his son to cry.

Having been blessed with all sons (ages 8 to 32), I've been able to see some of the external conflicts and internal workings as my babies grew into young men. This book supports what I've always suspected - boys are just as needy of nurturing (from both parents) as girls - perhaps more so, since to be emotionally needy and male in America is too often interpreted as a weakness.During the 70's, I sometimes found it difficult to listen to the angry cries of my feminist sisters (and yes, I think women's minds are of equal value to men's) who too often seem to be accusing men of just being born 'bad,' rather than being formed and influenced by the actions and reactions of people, culture, environment. We women expect our men (sons, husbands, friends and lovers) to be strong, yet sensitive. Their peers often expect them to be 'a man' - strong, not 'a wuss.' Trapped in a double-bind, most men respond to the heavy peer pressure, and turn off most of their emotions. When a son hits adolescence, with the body and voice of a grown man, we often think that means he is a man, and should act like one. Without defining clearly what that is (for there are often contradictions), just when they need us most, we set them free in a world that is confusing, demanding, and frightening. (And if you find your self thinking there's nothing wrong with that, since that's what being a man means, I beg you to read this book!)Little boys are expected to move away from their mother by five or six (to not do so means they'll have 'problems' later in life). When a young boy smacks a friend, we might just throw up our hands and say "boys will be boys." Worse, when an elementary school boy kisses a girl he likes, he may be accused of sexual harrassment. What is a parent to do? Pollack encourages parents to recognize and support the value in the different styles of parenting found in fathers and mothers - complementary, instead of competitive, styles gives more to the children.Instead of pushing young boys out early to 'be a man,' Pollack supports parents who allow their children to stay connected - to them, and to their own emotions. He encourages parents to find out what is going on behind those 'it doesn't hurt' looks on faces. Although written before the Columbine horror, one of the most important parts of this book is the last third, dealing with issues of violence and young men. Suicide, homicide, bullying are rampant (stats are in the book.) Anger is one of the few emotions boys are allowed to express openly - fear and hurt are no-no's for a boy who wants to be a "real man."This book has been extremely helpful to me, supporting things I've seen my former mother-in-law do - nurture her sons. Too often the idea of a mother nurturing her sons is thought to be emasculating - evidently, the opposite is true. Many fathers, too, will find encouragement in this book - and I suspect since they know more than I ever will about gro

I read this book right after Columbine. I believed that what happened was definitely a "Boy" problem and being a mother of three teenage boys with a gun owner/ hunter father, I had to get all the information I could, to help my sons, their friends and the other Mothers of sons. I was scared and sad. However after I read the book I would talk to anyone within earshot about all that I had learned about the sensitivity of boys and how important MOM is in the lives of boys even into their adulthood. American moms are too eager to push our boys out into the world even into nursery school before they need or want it, because we want the respite, if even for a little bit, from our active, messy boys. I am guilty of the big push too! However after reading Real Boys I am much more prepared and knowledgable about what I say now to the young men that live with me and will forever call me MOM. This book is an absolutely must read for every Mom of every boy no matter what age.I never thought so hard or cried so much. Thank you Dr. Pollack

The author writes about his research findings from his study of boys and their emotional life. He explains the "boy code" and how society imposes a "gender straightjacket" on boys. The expectation is that boys are not to be emotionally expressive, otherwise they may be viewed as less than masculine, that those that are interested in art, music, or anything other than sports are viewed as "sissies", and that the educational system is heavily biased towards girl's learning style, which is, to learn by listening and seeing, rather than the boy's style, which is generally, learn by doing. The author sites that boys are suffering from depression on an epidemic proportion. This depression is a consequence of not being able to freely experience their feelings of sadness, loneliness, etc, and the innability to express these feelings to friends or family for fear of being shamed. The author states that boy's acting out and what often is seen as disciplinary problems, often are rooted in legitimate emotional needs that are not being met. The author recommends that parents and society begin to accept boys in the full spectrum of human emotion, that they be freed from the "gender straightjacket" much as women have been progressing towards being freed of our own in the last decades. He urges parents to stay connected to their boys, always available to listen empathically, acknowledging the difficulties the boys encounter in their dayly life. We are to make our homes safe havens where boys can be themselves and safely talk about and express feelings and concerns. In this I'm remimded of one of Mother Teresas's famous sayings: "Make the home a center of compassion and forgive endlessly". We are to encourage and sponsor boy relationships with friends of both sexes, so that they may develop relationships of greater emotional intimacy and support. We are to guard against coaches and teachers who shame boys when they make mistakes or fail. Parents must stay involved in their son's activities whether in school or in sports to make sure they are in a supportive environment, helping school personnel to abandon the "gender straightjacket" mentality by sponsoring workshops in the schools, and talking to other parents and teachers about the myths of boyhood and the need to free our sons from it. I've come away from this book with the feeling that the author really cares about boys and the difficulties they are encountering, he makes a passionate plea to society to help boys by shedding our gender stereotypes and begin accepting a full range of personal expression. This book makes a lot of sense, it seems that we should be able to put into practice its common sense suggestions to the benefit of all, specially our boys.

As the mother of a new baby boy and an elementary school teacher I found this book to be fascinating. Worrying about how to encourage our young boys to express their emotions without being ostracized by their peers is a delicate balancing act. While most of the book deals with school age boys/teenagers I found it most helpful as a teacher. It is the kind of book that made me think, "Yes, I've done that", or "That must have been what Joey was thinking when he did that." Pollack explains nicely the way we, as adults (and especially women) expect men to be sensitive and emotionally in touch but we discourage this behavior in young boys by shaming them for tears or encouraging them to "tough it out". The book provides real case studies from Pollack's work to illustrate how his ideas play out in real life. As a mother I don't have to worry about much of this for a while, but as a teacher I have already begun to rethink things I do and say to my fourth graders every day. A great read!