Radical Collaboration: Five Essential Skills to Overcome Defensiveness and Build Successful Relationships

Discovering the nature of defensiveness and "button pushing" was invaluable for me personally and for being able to now see it in others. I just loved Chapt. 2: "Hey, Buzz Off ... I Am Not Defensive!" Quoting: "Defensiveness is a poison pill to good relationships. In conflict, defensiveness is like blood in the water to a shark. A little here, a little there, and in no time the situation has degenerated into a feeding frenzy." "Defensiveness is always based on fear." "Defensiveness does not defend us from others. It arises to protect from experiencing our own uncomfortable feelings. The prescription for dealing with your own defensiveness is to let yourself experience those feelings. Do not avoid them." "Defensiveness provides only temporary relief. It's like covering dog poop with whipped cream. It may look good and smell better for a short time, but it doesn't deal with the underlying issue or clean up the mess." "If you think of your childhood as an eighteen-year-long hypnotic induction, you'll get a better idea of how behaviors that were helpful to us as children may have taken on a life of their own and my not be helpful to us as adults." "Defensiveness distorts our reality, causing us to spend more energy on self-preservation that on problem solving." This was great, too: "The difference between a small annoyance and a button is like the difference between Teflon and Velcro. It is slips off you like Teflon, it is not a button getting pushed. If, however, the incident sticks in your throat, heart or gut like Velcro, then you've probably got some unresolved fears or pain that is a button waiting to be triggered." The authors say that when buttons get pushed, people typically get dumber, rather than smarter. "By our informal calculations, there is about a twenty-point drop in IQ." Because of this book, now when I feel my anger rising from what someone else is saying, I tell myself, "Hey, is this defensiveness? If so, am I going to let myself get dumber or try instead to see why the button pushing is making me react poorly?"

As human beings, we are defined by our ability to process thoughts, and emotions, relevant to each person who we interact with. At work, in our communities and in our private lives, we have a role to play. We also have many choices to make, on a continual basis. As someone who has studied loves studying verbal judo, I was impressed by the new things that I learned from this book. Though there are many lessons that I gleamed from this book, this review describes author's five essential skills for radical collaboration. The five essential skills to overcome defensiveness; and to build successful relationships are: 1. Collaborative Intention; This is recognizing how we all, even those of us who are perceived to be strong, have defensive habits. To arrive at this, it's important that you are fully in the present moment. And you've checked your ego at the door. Many will say, "I can't acknowledge that person's attributes, when I disagree." But, if you want what you want, and you intend to get it, you must accept that recognizing and sincerely acknowledging your interlocutor's attributes will inspire him or her to work with you on finding a solution that is mutually beneficial. Remember that this experience is not your entire life - it's just an experience. 2. Truthfulness; This is looking inside yourself, accepting what is, and being visible to your interlocutor. Admit how you teach your opponent, or interlocutor to push just the right button, to make you think and feel the worst. And in so doing, you will inspire collaboration, first within yourself, then with others. 3. Self-Accountability; This is making habitual, conscious choices in your life, and taking responsibility for the results of your choices. I recently was challenged with this with someone who is a senior, who has been somewhat of a surrogate mom. For everything that I said, this senior woman kept saying things that bugged me. And though I normally speak up in the present moment, this experience taught me that she was showing me my weaknesses. Which, to me, meant that I had an opportunity to do what I call facing my fire-blowing dragons and turning them into my seeds of greatness. This is true self-accountability. 4. Self-Awareness and Awareness of Others; and, Using past and current painful experiences to make empowering choices for yourself, now. Before you can influence a project, a group of others or one person, you must be aware of how your thoughts and feelings impact those around you. I call this "checking in with my inner self; then, checking out how others are behaving." Do this allows you to be compassionate to yourself - which of course empowers you to be free to be aware of others. 5. Problem-Solving. With a positive attitude, create a statement of the issues to be resolved. Be sure the underlying interests of all parties is factored into the issues, solutions and evaluation of the solutions.

The main theme of this book is a series of arguments that we should conduct our business dealings more like interpersonal rather than adversarial relationships. In our interpersonal relations, we tend to damp down our disagreements, as we never know what will happen in the future. We rarely burn our interpersonal bridges, for the person that you cheat, call a name or make an obscene gesture to may be the one who interviews you for a job sometime in the future. Most of us have taken a course in basic business, and the first thing you are told is to write and sign a contract. This is of course true, but it also overstates the value of a written contract relative to other aspects of the relationship. While a contract documents the responsibilities and expectations of both parties, there is a great deal of flexibility, even when they are lengthy and rigid. Furthermore, this principle says nothing about how to earn the trust needed to get someone to agree to a contract or how to negotiate a viable contract. There are four introspective skills that the authors put forward to help you learn how to have more of a collaborative mindset. They are: *) Collaborative intention. *) Truthfulness. *) Self-accountability. *) Self-awareness and awareness of others. Each of these skills is necessary for a successful collaboration. You first must want to collaborate and be honest with yourself and others regarding what you want and what you are willing to do. After that, you must follow through, making sure that you are holding up your end of the bargain. Finally, you must honestly appraise your performance and also be aware of how you perceive others and how they perceive you. There are many exercises that will allow you to honestly examine how well you perform in collaborative efforts. The heart of the book is a theory called Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation (FIRO) and is based on unmet emotional needs. We are all human beings and we take our emotions with us wherever we go and into whatever we do. This test is offered for free on the companion website, and you can obtain a personal relationship profile. It will help you determine if you are willing to give up enough control over events so that you can have effective collaborative relationships. It is our ego and emotions that sustain us in life, motivating us to succeed and strive to do better. No company is an island; everyone must work with others to get what they want. This book will show you how to submerge the aspects of your ego and emotions that can poison your collaborative well and I strongly recommend that everyone in business read it.

Finally, a book that gets down to the heart of the problem of helping people to agree! Superbly written, Radical Collaboration is an easily understandable book that clearly lays out the true nature of defensive behaviors and highlights the role of rigidity in undermining relationships. Jim Tamm's and Ron Luyet's practical and straightforward "RED ZONE/GREEN ZONE" framework works! The fact that their framework is based on the brilliant and internationally known work of Will Schutz makes it even more dependable and noteworthy. Every manager should have a copy of this book at their desk!

More than just a "how to" book on negotiation, Radical Collaboration helps you understand yourself and your response to conflict. Backed by relevant theory and many examples, it provides practical exercises to help you "unhook" your hot buttons and build your confidence for handling difficult negotiations. A must for anyone interested in conflict resolution, negotiation skills, or self development.