Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages

This book helped me realize that I am not alone. I loved all the facts and statistics. I am really glad I bought this book! Every counselor, therapist, police officer, judge and anyone else who may work with domestic abuse victims should read this book. We need everyone to be more knowledgeable about this kind of abuse so we as a society can put an end to it and not just be oblivious to it.

This book came into my life exactly when I needed it! Susan Weitzman's discussion of the abuse in up-scale marriages was exactly what I needed to help me cope and understand what was happening in my divorce to a multimillionaire. After 16 years of abuse, my decision to leave my husband was only the beginning of a nightmare. His threats to ruin me, take our child, destroy my life, were combined with illegal wiretapping of my computer and legal maneuvering to ensure I could not leave. Added to this were multiple mistresses and hidden bank accounts. Susan's book is excellent reading for anyone going through a divorce to a wealthy emotional/physically abusive man. It should be required reading for divorce lawyers and judges.

This important book tells a secret: yes, this can happen in even the most outwardly successful, appealling, public, prestigious, and seemingly "good" marriages. And yes, this sort of thing can be kept a secret from everyone for a long long time -- against all odds.As a woman, a mother, an ex-wife, a therapist, an educator, and an author, I have seen what Susan Weitzman reveals again and again. Why are women so silent about something which eats their lives away? Why is this happening still in this day and age? And why do even the women with the economic where with all, and with the education, and with the supposed opportunities for "something better than this" get STUCK in relationships where they are abused for years? What are the factors which contribute to the trapping of these women? Read this book and get a look at the inside of this problem.My sense is that we forget that we in the US are a century at best away from the time when many men could actually own their wives. And this ownership allows abuse, as it allows rape, as it allows control of all the wife's possessions, earnings and inheritances, and ownership of the children. A century is not a long time, and change is slower than many public policy makers would like to have us think. And even where social policy and family law has addressed wive's and ex-wive's rights, there is much in the way of true protection left to be desired.I want to thank Susan Weitzman from the bottom of my heart for her work here. She spent a big piece of the time of her life working on this project, with no sense that it would become successful as it has. If there would be anything I would add to this book, it would be a further look into the intense pain, the overwhelming fear, the profound stigma, and the many damages that these women suffer....

I wish Not To People Like Us had been written nine years ago;I think my self-esteem, my daughter, and myself would have been spared much pain. Dr. Weitzman's book is inspirational and demonstrates considerable caring for the women she has worked with. As a social scientist myself, I found her research to be original and hopefully the start of more work in this area, too little examined thusfar. The insightful explanations of why women such as myself stay in abusive relationships and theoretical exploration of abusive husbands (suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder)help make sense of how I could have stayed in my my marriage and how men such as my ex-husband could treat their wives so cruelly. It has been a long road back recovering from the abuse that I thought(at the time)was only happening to me. I felt quite alone and isolated and, as Dr. Weitzman aptly described it, had no one to validate my feelings or encourage me to leave. This book should be given to every daughter and, perhpaps to every young son to read. I found it to be a fresh, profoundly moving, well-written and informative book, long overdue.

"Upscale violence": a term coined by Dr. Susan Weitzman, a practicing psychotherapist in Chicago, refers to the often hidden physical and/or emotional abuse that is endured by married women of means. In her groundbreaking, well-referenced study: "Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages," Dr. Weitzman focuses a narrow lens. She offers a unique contribution to the literature on domestic violence: her work is based on many years of experience, both working in women's shelters and counseling battered wives. Through a combination of case studies of these poignant yet punished women of means and a rigorous analysis and review of the extant literature on domestic violence, Dr. Weitzman presents and proves a powerful thesis. She debunks the myth that conjugal abuse correlates with lower-class status, and, at the same time, deflects the hostility that some of her peers have heaped on her for selecting this particular population. "A unique aspect of this book is the 'inclusionary' dimension of targeting battered women of means. . . .[which] is not a claim that this population needs special attention," says Dr. Weitzman, but "[r]ather it is an attempt at 'specifically' including upscale wives who have been overlooked in the larger group of abused women."Who are these women? They are well educated, with at least a bachelor's degree; they live in the top 25% of this country's neighborhoods; they see themselves as upper-middle-class or upper-class; and their combined marital income exceeds $100,000.00. While Dr. Weitzman delineates the "typical profile" of the upscale abusive husband, she does not indulge in male-battering. She correctly identifies domestic violence as a systemic problem. The appendices of her book: "Are You an Abused Woman?," "Traits of an Abusive Man," "Early Warning Signs," and "Domestic Violence Resources" are reason alone for its purchase. Therefore, this book belongs in every library, women's shelter, emergency room, and psychotherapist's office.Notwithstanding the strengths of Dr. Weitzman's book and her contribution to the literature on domestic violence, as an editor, I feel compelled to offer some constructive criticism. "Not to People Like Us" lacks organization. In an effort to make the book dramatic (and it is a quick read), the case studies are interwoven with history, theory, flowcharts, classical mythology, and psychoanalysis; thus, it is difficult to follow the thread of each woman's life. A more traditional approach of formally presenting the case studies at the beginning of the book, so that the reader can refer back to them as needed, would help. Also, Dr. Weitzman limited her population to fourteen women, which is a very small sample; however, she clearly and convincingly states her reason for so doing. Finally, the careful reader will find the Notes, References, and Index to be littered with distracting errors; such is often the case when a dissertation manuscript is rushed into publication. It is hard

I have just finished the book "Not to People Like Us". What an amazing experience, for as I turned the pages it was as if Dr. Weitzman had written about my life! The description of my Symptoms, Traits and Coping Strategies as well as my Ex-Husband's Psychological Profile, Interpersonal Characteristics and Traits put all my thoughts, feelings and experiences into words. Now I can understand why I made the choices and decisions I did before and during the marriage and how I finally got out of an abusive relationship. I wish appendix D-Early Warning Signs would have been available to me 15 years ago, but thankfully women now have this resource to save them from years of suffering in silence.