Preparing Your Child for Dating

Book ReviewPreparing Your Child for Dating (Dr. Bob Barnes, Zondervan, 1998;203pp)by Ed VasicekPreparing Your Child for Dating is an excellent, well-rounded volume covering the broad spectrum of dating issues from a mainstream evangelical Christian viewpoint. The author, Dr. Bob Barnes, operates under the premise that controlled dating under parental supervision prepares one for dating when no longer under that supervision. Courtship (as per Josh Harris) he argues, leaves a child naive and unprepared for dating once "out of the nest."The book is divided into four sections, with sections two and three receiving the most space. The divisions are: (1)A Generation with No Guidelines,(2)The Plan for Dating,(3)The Dating Process,and(4)The Lessons Learned.Two chapters were notable in the first section. One of them, entitled, "Develop a Plan Before You Develop A Problem" urges parents to be proactive in dating. He writes, "Left to their own devices,with no guidance from parents,teens begin dating with very immature ideas about the opposite sex.....Parents must develop a dating plan for their children...(pp.24-25)."Another chapter, titled, "Who's in Charge Here?" tells it like it often is: "In many homes, the children are in charge of their own dating. Their parents think there's nothing they can do...In Parent-Directed Dating, the parents implement a training program that teaches their children about dating but puts the responsibility for proper dating squarely on the shoulders of the child, (pp.35-36)."Section two talks about developing a "dating plan." Since the long-term goal of dating is to find an appropriate person to marry, Dr. Barnes suggests developing a list with children before they date as to what they want in a mate. The list is divided into absolute requirements(examples: a dedicated Christian,no drugs/alcohol, etc.),important but not absolutely necessary qualities, and then preferences. When a girl is asked out on a date,for example,she goes over that list with a parent. This helps decisions to be more objective and less emotional. Rather than become emotionally involved and then choosing whether to obey the Lord or rationalize disobedience,misplaced emotions are avoided.When going to a "party," the author argues, it is very logical for parents to speak to the host parents. They need to inquire as to whether the parents will be present and what standards will be upheld. Though young people will claim theirs was the only mom to do such a thing, Dr.Barnes says "do it!" Parents must also discuss with their teens what is and is notappropriate. The word "appropriate," he suggests, is a key term. What sort of affection(in public and private)is and is not acceptable? What sort of places are and are not appropriate? In the third section,the author discusses "The Dating Process." Ages for double and single dating must be decided beforehand. The author gives no absolute plan (purposely so),but does mention that his daughter was allowed

Barnes gives us chapter by chapter, practical how-to tips on how to start early in talking out what children are really crying for...information and guidance. With this book we have a better chance in properly preparing our children/teens for having fun at dating, planning dating, guiding them in deciding when to say yes or no, foundations for choosing their lifelong mate, protecting from the negatives in dating, meeting/interviewing her date/his date, how to start the discussion, how to protect from deciding for them, preparing them to decide for themselves at college, curfew: when to relax and tighten them. Every parent on earth should have read this book...then apply it.