Positive Discipline

As a parenting author who only recommends the best of the best when it comes to parenting books, I was shocked to read some of the reviews which suggested that Jane's approach is both demoralizing to parents and simply does not work. Before writing my own book, Jane's work was one of the three books I used with two blind boys who would have given Helen Keller a run for her money and helped me to not only maintain my sanity (and not go off the deep end) but also raise boys I am proud of. Hands down parenting is the most difficult job on earth and I believe that Jane would agree. As a family counselor who uses a "feel good method of parenting" similar to Jane's I KNOW that this material works I have seen it work for thousands of parents. I also know that it takes time, consistency and sometimes even support from others. I am saddened to think that some of her material has fallen on deaf ears and some parents have even resorted to fear tactics. Why am I saddened? Because although punishments such as these can work in the short term I have seen first hand the negative effects that happen over time and know that there is a much better way. Perhaps, because this book was originally written in the 80's and Jane doesn't spend a lot of time in this book emphasizing the importance a parent's own self-care that some readers have misinterpreted this to mean Jane doesn't care about parents. Nothing could be further from the truth though. Jane's practical use of stories and the way in which she shares some of her own mistakes are nothing short of inspiring.

I have read this book at least five times. I teach Parenting the Positive Discipline Way classes to parents. When I was first implementing change, I liked to work on a few concepts and then go back and reread the book again to gain more information and start working on a new idea.I read another review here on the site and I think I should clarify something. The book does NOT say to "never say 'no'" to a child.

This is one of the best, most useful parenting books I have ever read. I am a child and youth care worker and I use these concepts with the kids I work with. I've taught them to parents who are really struggling and they've seen major improvements in their relationships with their kids, as well as the kid's overall behaviour. The book focuses on how to interact with your kids in a way that emphasizes firmness merged with kindness. It shows you have to treat your kids with respect, give them choices and a degree of control, the meaning of consequences, and manage conflict. The truth is punishing kids does NOT work, and discipline and punishment are NOT synonymous.I really liked the concrete examples in the book. I wish that the author had spent more time on how to determine your child's mistaken goal, and she had addressed more clearly how exactly to find the time for family meetings and the like when you are a family with two working parents. I also appreciate that she teaches parents to think long term. I have to admit that the ideas in the book may seem simplistic at first read. You have to remember (and Nelsen stresses this repeatedly) that changes won't occur overnight. But if you stick with it you will see a difference. I would reccommend reading it once, trying to apply it for 3-4 weeks, and then reading it again. It is written in a conversational style, so it is a quick read. I got through it the first time in a weekend. I refer to in frequently to remind myself of certain ideas.

Trying to be a working parent in todays high speed society makes raising thoughtful, responsible and caring children difficult. Having to filter out all the commercial quick fix ideas that our children are exposed to through television and friends keeps us second guessing our ability to make the right decision about what is right for our children. As a mother and a pediatrician, I have relied heavily on Jane Nelson's books in finding ways to raise children in a way that doesn't demean or inhibit the relationship between children and their parents. Breaking the battle of wills with a high spirited child, ones that I could never win, has only enhanced my relationship with my daughter now approaching her teen years. We talk, she doesn't hide things from me, she knows I might disapprove of her doings but knows I won't rant and scream (implying I don't love her). Keeping the lines of communication open is our best defense for surviving the teenage years in one piece. I thank Jane Nelson for her honesty, her love of children, her sense of a world where we care about each other and take responsibility for living.

If you are a parent, this book should definitely be on your list of MUST-READs. The idea focuses on respect, letting kids have control over some of their decisions, letting them experience the consequences -- both good and bad -- and reducing conflict in your home. The book helped me see the problems in some of the traditional methods of "discipline" I had been using, and it changed my approach for dealing with two-year old son and our interactions. The book includes concrete examples and focus areas for positive discipline, and explores the long range goals for raising our kids (like what kind of people we want them to be in the end). Since I've started putting the positive discipline principles into practice, I've seen an incredible difference in myself and my son. I started asking for his help, and now he is doing all sorts of things for himself -- getting dressed, helping carry in groceries, and willingly climbing into his car seat (if you can belive it)!! He's so excited to be making contributions to our family on his own, and I'm enjoying him so much without so many tantrums. I've been teaching him about respect -- it sounds so silly, but he seems to understand that it's about treating each other like we like each other. Of course, it isn't the end of every conflict and we still have problems and short tempers sometimes, but it is over so much faster and with fewer hurt feelings on all sides. We're finding a nice balance -- not permissive, not authoritarian -- just respectful and fair. Even if you don't accept the premise of the book, I think it will challenge you to evaluate your own parenting methods. Be forewarned though -- it may seem a little unusual if you just skim through the book, because some of the ideas are unconventional or contrary to what we've been "taught" (like letting kids play during a time out session), but I belive it really makes sense in the end and I encourage you to read the whole thing. I STRONGLY RECOMMEND it to parents who want to reduce the conflict in their house, raise kids with a positive sense of self, and really truly find enjoyment in children.