Parenting by Heart: How to Be in Charge, Stay Connected, and Instill Your Values, When It Feels Like You've Got Only 15 Minutes a Day

Advice that relaxes you... because it makes you more effective. And vice versa.With chapter headings like "How to Use Everyday Drudgery to Promote Your Child's Growth" and "How to Deal with a Dozen Impossible Situation That You Can't Possibly Solve", this book attracted me. Taffel focuses on parenting myths that get in our way. For instance, there's "the myth of parent-child harmony" -- which begets a discussion of "Why Children Never Let Up on Us and Why They Need Us to Stay Connected". In exposing the myths, Taffel allows us a sigh of relief. Stop worrying that you are not wise enough. Stop worrying that you are not being perfectly fair; it's IMPOSSIBLE to be perfectly fair all the time. Stop worrying that you are not perfectly consistent; that too is impossible. All of this is not to say there's no need for quality time or fairness. That is NOT the argument here. But what with the tons of advice on the bookshelves, it's easy to get obsessed and lose sight of reality. Taffel helps us step back and think about what our children genuinely need from us (it's a lot -- but it's doable).Thus Taffel titles one chapter "The Myth of the Fair Parent: How to Use Bribery, Threats, Guilt and Other 'Dirty Tricks' to Help Your Child Become a Better Person". I think his advice is let's get over it, accept the messiness of parenting/childhood, and work hard to make things good in that messy world. (Don't mistake this for "let's make a mess".)There's a chapter on our need to connect to other families and one on "Why Old-Fashioned Values Will Always Have a Place in Modern Parenting." In fact the book is a nice blend of old-fashioned values and new attitudes. Taffel is relaxing because he does not present them as mutually exclusive.I particularly like his list of "rights" (p. 200): "You also have to recognize that you have certain rights vis-a-vis your child. Recognizing your rights can help...give you real power over your child" [not authoritarian power, but necessary power] These include "the right to slow down the action", "the right to change your mind", "the right to consult with your partner", and more. In conjunction with rights you have responsibilities.It helps to see it in print, stated by a respectable expert. It helps us articulate our thoughts and thus act on them with resolve. For all these reasons, this book is worth your time. You'll feel understood, and you'll come away more relaxed and confident with your kids.Read this BEFORE you have problems.